Clothing and the Character of the Child
— Wednesday, December 31st, 2008 —
Our daughter Hannah is rapidly closing in on thirteen years of age. She is tall for her age. Her dark curls and tawny skin mirror the features of the birthparents who brought her to a Romanian orphanage when she was eight months old. Hannah has been part of our family since she was seven years old. She is the apple of her Daddy’s eye, the princess of her Daddy’s heart, and—at this moment—she’s in need of some new clothes. In our household, this means a Daddy-Daughter Date Day, primarily because, in our family, Dad tends to have more patience than Mom when it comes to the quest for appropriate clothing.
And so here I am, meandering into a local mall, hoping that this year’s range of suitable selections is better than last year’s.
It isn’t.
The jeans that are long enough for Hannah’s ever-lengthening legs seem to have gained this extra length by trimming too many inches off the top. The sweatpants that fit her best have “PINK” emblazoned across the backside. And the messages that glitter on the chests of several otherwise-appropriate shirts lead to immediate vetoes from our household’s executive branch: “I Want What I Want Now,” one hoodie declares, while a nearby t-shirt boasts, “I Have an Attitude and I Know How to Use It.” “Sooner or Later I’ll Get What I Want,” another sweatshirt announces. Interestingly, the brand names on the tags are “Personal Identity” and “Self Esteem”—almost as if Erik Erikson and Sigmund Freud crept in during the manufacturing process and retagged the clothes to resolve adolescent girls’ supposed identity crises. To Hannah’s credit, she takes it all in good humor, knowing from past experience that, once a veto has been declared, her father will not budge.
By this point, a good many readers have likely identified me as some sort of development-squelching fundamentalist prude. I’ve heard the protests before, as a pastor, children’s minister, and youth minister—more from parents, oddly enough, than from children: “Come on, it’s just the kids’ clothes. Why make such a big deal about it? Let them wear what everyone else is wearing! If we don’t let them dress that way, they won’t be able to fit in.”
I’ve even had one parent couch his protest in evangelistic terms: “If I don’t let my daughter wear the same clothes as everyone else, no one will listen to her when she tries to witness at school.” Somehow, I cannot imagine that the low-slung waistline on his daughter’s jeans led any male in her school to anything but the most prurient interest in God’s created order.
So why am I so unyielding on this issue?
Simply this: The clothes that our children wear do not merely cover the nakedness of their flesh; they shape and reflect the contours of our children’s souls. What I encourage my child to wear is a statement not merely of fashion but of theology and axiology—and this link between our theology and our wardrobes is not a recent phenomenon.
The foliage that Adam and Eve clutched against their groins in the shadow of the Tree of Knowledge made a profoundly theological declaration. Those mute leaves pronounced the primal couple’s intent to cover their sins with their own efforts and experiences. In this, those leafy aprons spoke in unison with the Gnostics of the second century, with Pelagius in the fourth, and with the theological liberalism of the modern era, all seeking some path to holiness other than divine propitiation. The second ensemble of clothing in the Garden of Eden was no less theological—the flesh and fleece of a freshly-slaughtered beast, a covering given by grace which declared beyond any doubt the divinely-ordained link between sin and death.
Later in the Torah, the Israelites received a command from God to stitch tzitzit in the corners of their robes, entwining a cerulean thread in each tassel. And what was the rationale for this divinely-ordained fashion statement? “That when you shall see them, you may remember all the commandments of the Lord, and not follow your own thoughts and eyes, going astray after others” (Num. 15:39). What the children of Israel wore on their bodies reflected and shaped the disposition of their souls.
This principle is no less true for my child this afternoon at Oxmoor Mall.
The sweatpants with “PINK” plastered across the posterior declare far more than a child’s preferred pastel hue; they present as public property a part of the body that ought to be preserved as private property. The three-inch gap between shirt and jeans devalues the child by turning her body into a tool to attract the opposite gender’s attention instead of a vessel of beauty for the glory of God.
The t-shirt with “I Love My Dad Cuz He Spoils Me” emblazoned across the chest links love with what I can get out of a relationship—and lays the foundation for the relational disposition that has landed millions of couples in divorce court over the past half-century. “My Smile Gets Me What I Want” scrawled up the leg of a pair of pajamas implies that it is acceptable to exploit physical beauty as a tool to manipulate others. When a sweatshirt declares “Remember Me: I’ll Be Famous,” this comes with a tacit implication that the superficiality of celebrity might be a valid and viable goal for life. The hoodie that reads “I May Be Small But I’m the Boss” presents rebellion against parental authority as something to elicit a lighthearted smirk instead of loving discipline.
Please understand my point here: I am not claiming that clothing, in itself, causes children to behave badly—that would be tantamount to declaring it was the presence of fruit in the garden that caused Adam and Eve to sin. And I’m not suggesting that children’s clothing must be unfashionable for them to be holy. What I am suggesting is that these fusions of cotton, polyester, and iron-on transfers are not values-neutral. They are declarations of what we believe, what we value, and what we expect our children to believe and to value.
So what can parents do?
(1) Set clear standards and say no. This isn’t easy. A few weeks ago, I said no to a ballet leotard because it didn’t meet our family’s standards for modesty. No other leotards were available at the dance supply store. As such, my veto resulted in a rather unpleasant chain of events that ended with some crying and behavioral consequences—and with a clear awareness that we will not compromise our family’s standards. Truthfully, I wanted to say yes. In the short term, it would have resulted in far less stress to give the go-ahead to that particular leotard. But, as Hannah’s father, I bear primary responsibility before God for my child’s spiritual formation. And so I said no—firmly, gently, in love—because the long-term building of Hannah’s character matters more to me than the momentary calm that compromise could have achieved.
(2) Recognize that what is emblazoned on your children’s clothing is likely to be expressed at some point in their behavior. If the child’s t-shirt says “Blame It On My Sister,” why are parents shocked when their son eventually tries to avoid responsibility for his actions, even if that means resorting to deception? If you purchase clothes for your son that declare his ideal day to consist of sleeping, eating, and playing video games, why be surprised when he’s living in your basement two decades from now, still expecting you to pay his bills while he sleeps, eats, and plays video games? “But what the shirts say—they’re just joking,” parents respond. “You’re not supposed to take them seriously!” And perhaps the clothing manufacturers do intend such statements to be taken with a grain of salt. But history suggests that, what one generation smirks at, the next generation accepts as an inescapable state of affairs.
(3) Admit that the need for peer popularity is over-rated. Another primary cop-out from parents: “But my child has to dress this way to fit in at school.” In the first place, such a statement implies that the authority of the peer group matters more than the wisdom of the parents or the Word of God. In the second place, this implies that you would want your offspring to “fit” into a group that evidently bases its valuation of a child on that child’s clothing. Yet, even if we bypass these faulty foundational principles, there’s still a problem with this line of thinking: The idea that this type of peer popularity is necessary for healthy development is a recent phenomenon, rooted more in the social function of the American school system than in any perennial truths about human nature. In fact, despite decades of family fragmentation, the way that a child is accepted in his or her family remains far more important for the child’s development than acceptance or rejection at school. I’m not suggesting here that you should work to make your child unpopular with peers—but such acceptance is far less crucial than we’ve been led to believe.
And so Hannah and I traipsed out of the department stores and headed upstairs to the Chinese buffet, carrying far fewer outfits than we first intended—but they are well-chosen, stylish yet modest and devoid of devaluing messages. Now, if someone can locate a light-blue leotard for my child that isn’t low-cut in the top or high-cut in the legs, we’ll be set for one more year.
Timothy,
Very insightful and theologically on point. Guess I will have to take back those shirts I got for Christmas that read, “Looking Good is a Curse,” and “Behind every good man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Seriously, great post. We have this discussion almost weekly with parents in our student ministry. Most parents are NOT willing to sacrifice short-term perceived acceptance for long-term character.
Brandon Shields
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AMEN!!! I teach 6th grade in a public school in Houston and appalled by what most of the girls wear to school. I make sure to have discussions with them that what’s written on their shirt/hoodie is a statement and talk about what’s behind these statements.
I think it must be pretty hard work to dress a young girl modestly & appropriately for her age these days, when all the styles for clothes for 12-15 year olds really should be worn by girls in their 20’s!
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Timothy,
I wholeheartedly agree with your take on the issue of modesty. What I have found in our home is that my three daughters tend to mirror what they see in their mom. We have had many conversations about what is and isn’t acceptable and honoring over the years. They now monitor themselves well.
I would challenge more parents to consider how they will train their children in this area. I would beg parents to not wait until their daughters reach puberty to decide to restrict their clothing choices. Start now explaining the necessity of modesty.
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Oh, amen!
We need more parents who are willing to tell their daughters that there are two kinds of men in the world: those who love God, and those who do not.
-If a man loves God, why would you want to join with the masses of women who torment him, tempt him, and make it so difficult for him to keep his thoughts pure?
-If a man does not love God, why would you want his impure mind lingering lustfully over you?
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I love this so much. Everything you said is completely true and very well written.
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Dr. Jones,
Great post. I would agree with what Dr. Wilder says (above): in our home, too, our two daughters have for years mirrored the modesty they’ve seen displayed in their mother. Now, they fairly well police for themselves what they wear.
I’d also mention that I don’t think young girls just look to their mom’s for guidance or approval of what is, and is not, “appropriate” to wear. I’ve found as a dad, as I’ve tried to model for them a healthy Fatherly image (even though I fail way more than I succeed), my girls want to act in a way–and dress in a way–that will elicit from me expressions of joy, love, grace, and any of the other affections we would want the Father to feel for us, as we follow His commands and guidelines, as an expression of our love for Him and His grace.
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This article is excellent. The issues of modestly start early on in a child’s life. Children need a firm hand from their father in all areas of their life. Growing up, I learned what was modest from the model that my mother set before me and the supportive role my father displayed in that. Today, I am so thankful for already knowing how much modestly can do for real natural beauty. As a woman grows, she wants to attract the right type of man, and nothing will do that better than a pure display of modesty. Praise the Lord for hope in this fallen area.
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I think it is totally appropriate for a father to guide his young lady on clothing choices. He is to protect her. I loved the article.
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Timothy,
This article is one of the most developed, well reasoned, and graciously articulated articles I have read on the subject. Thank you for the timely reminder to remain vigilant, as well as an excellent resource to share with others.
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Soooo true. What makes me even crazier is that the same issues are occuring at the preschool and elementary school level! It’s sad and slightly sick to watch parents put their babies in inappropriate clothes. I wish I could force feed your words to some of the dads out there, but it’s often the best we can do to pray for change, model good behavior, and share the truth in love EVERY time we get a chance. Thanks!
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Could not agree more. I have a young daughter (just 2 years old) that just steals my heart. And as a new father, I have noticed (in an increasing fashion) just how much modesty is frowned upon in our culture–and in many cases ignored altogether. There are so many more roots that this issue takes into other subjects. However, this is a foundational point that must be approached, as you mentioned, in gentle, loving fashion. I do not desire to become a “fashion-police” father. However, I do want to provide loving structure and gain the trust of my daughter on issues such as these–even though I am sure there will be certain periods of resistance and struggle.
I’ve met so many Christian fathers that would validate such a compromimsed purchase by claiming that it would have been far worse to argue and fight with his daughter afterward. And though, on the surface, this might seem charitable, it is nothing more than an inability to lovingly father through a matter that must be addressed if we are to raise daughters that understand that modesty is a from of worship (Romans 12).
Thanks again for your comments.
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very good read. thanks for sharing your thoughts. we agree with you 100%! so many people take young adults clothes too lightly, especially young ladies/girls. we have even had to set our own parents straight on this very subject. they know not what to buy pants with words on the rear and our daughter knows that if she is shopping with them– that she needs to tell them “no”. i finally have my mom trained to call me with the words on the shirt before she buys it for ryan (yes, we know what you mean about the eat, sleep, video games shirt… for ryan does own one bought by a grandparent).
our kids do their best to understand where their old-fashioned parents are coming from. until they have children of their own that they are responsible for, i don’t think they could possibly comprehend why we do what we do!
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Great articel! I am posting about it in my blog and setting a link to the article.
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Excellent! Thank you (and your wife) for being sensitive to clothing and the character of the child!
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Nice article! Our daughter is 15, looks at least 18, is gorgeous, and I have made so many trips to the mall with her [...]
The other thing to note is especially in middle school girls dress more for other girls than for guys, and they usually do not think about the impact of clothing on their weaker brethren. Still I will take styles now over the extreme mini skirts and halter tops [...] of my teen years!
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That’s a good article-thanks for the reminder :)
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Great work here Dr. J. As a dad of two young girls, I am encouraged and sharpened by this article. Thanks for giving dads the admonition to protect their daughters.
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Great article! I am 12 years old and have noticed a similar problem in my school. Girls in my grade don’t exactly show skin, because it’s against the school handbook, but then there are the more subtle things that seem harmless, like tight shirts and jeans, words across their backside, and low tops that make all the difference to the opposite sex. Things like that place a stumbling block in the path of teenage boys, and it doesn’t matter how small the GIRL thinks it is, it’s right there like a flashing highway billboard to the BOY.
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What first strikes me about this article is that it is written from the male perspective. How does one define “modest” dress. What part of our skin is appropriate and what is not? Does a male perceive something not being modest because it might “turn them on” or because it is really inappropriate. I agree there are a lot of words on shirts that I would not chose to where or allow my daughter to wear. Personally I did not find “Pink” sweat pants inappropriate because they were worn at home as sleep wear, not out in public. Having worked with high school and middle school students for over 31 years, there are some extremes in clothing, but overall you can still dress appropriately and be in fashion. I also have met some great young people who might wear a low rise jean and still be a great example of living the Christian life. From my journey at SBTS, it was how you lived your life, and how your treated your neighbor in walking your Christian journey that was of more importance that if some of your skin was exposed. I am glad the author of the article is involved in his daughter life, it is important for her to have an involved father; however, it is also important for the “sons” to be taught how to respond appropriately to young women.
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I am still surprised I did not raise a ruckus right there in the middle of the store on my last trip to our local Mardel’s. They are selling some clothing now and they have jeans, with an arty cross design emblazoned on . . . their back pockets. I live near Denver seminary and used to visit their bookstore from time to time, but not after my last trip there. They’ve sold their bookstore operations to an outside company and what are they carrying but short, form-fitting t-shirts for women with a cerain logo emblazoned across the chest.
When I was a student there I sat on the “Women’s Concerns” committee for a year and we couldn’t even manage to pass a dress code that banned bare midriffs in the classroom! If our seminaries don’t have any more sense that than, what is the hope for parents getting some help from the youth pastor who is a new grad from such an institution?
Kamilla
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Your article is theologically refreshing! Instead of just talking about modest dress as a way of preventing lusting, you opened the door on the discussion that it is much more than that! As a fifteen year old girl, I definitely want to dress modestly and not have any responsibility in causing my brothers in Christ to stumble, but that can’t be my only motivation. It is very frustrating, and often tempting to dress like the world, because no matter how modest I attempt to dress, my brothers are seeing immodesty nearly everywhere they look! Therefore, my motivation has GOT to be to please God!
Having said that, it is very important that kids-and parents-understand that the way we dress is about much more than lust. The way we dress reflects our whole worldview. It reflects how we view ourselves as well as others. You touch on the skewed worldview of self-esteem, which is definitely true, but I think we can even see the cause of that self-esteem worldview by the fashions of today. Adam and Eve covered themselves because they had a very clear understanding of their sin and the shame of it. By being willing to show so much flesh with immodest dress, someone is clearly saying that they have no shame for their nakedness; therefore, they view themselves as a god, and of course, they would esteem themselves highly!
I love your quote…..
“The clothes that our children wear do not merely cover the nakedness of their flesh; they shape and reflect the contours of our children’s souls.”
Parents need to have a clear understanding of this truth and be teaching it to their children and shaping their heart from birth! My parents did, and I’m grateful for their obedience to God!
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Dr. Jones you are a good father.
Praise the Lord, I have two sons.
I couldn’t handle it for sure.
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Great write up. I hope a lot of parents read this. It is well written and also very in touch with the reality of the social world in which we live.
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I’ve been where you are, and felt the same way, Dr. Jones. My daughter is now 25 and shares my opinion. When she was younger, the Madonna fad was at it’s peak, and I well remember 5th graders going to school dressed in midriff tops, and pants with lace inserts up the side. I, who grew up in the ’70s (not a prude), even dressed in a punk rock style and had dyed my hair pink as a teenager, was shocked.
I would explain how I felt, and why, and she not only came to understand, but would come home and share that she felt that some of her friends were rather foolish for dressing inappropriately, for example wearing short skirts and not wanting to hide their outfits even in cold weather.
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Absolutely excellent. Thank you for your willingness to write about this!
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I am perplexed by the fashion of wearing shorts or pants that have words on the rump. Why would anyone choose to draw attention in that way?
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Regarding the current fashions at any given time, I think to myself, “It can’t get any worse.” But it always does. Satan has no end to his wiles and to his attempts to steal purity, to kill modesty and reticence, and to destroy lives, marriages, and families.
One answer to these shopping laments is thrift shops. Thrift shops are the only stores today that have modest, conservative, and classic styles—and all at very low prices. I have been an avid thrift shopper for many years, and I have a closet full of beautiful, modest, and feminine clothes for which I paid next to nothing.
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People have no shame anymore. It used to be that you had to worry about the guys’ pants riding low (at least they had boxers on underneath!) Now many of these girls walk around with their rears sticking out because their pants ride so low! Its not only immodest but simply gross!
I agree with Carol the only place to find modest, feminine clothing today is the thrift store.
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This is a timely, important article. It is so important to remember that people are looking at you, watching you, especially when you are a believer. The image you project reflects on your character, whether you want it to be that way or not. I am posting a link to this article on my blog. Thanks for the words of wisdom.
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THANK YOU! As MY Hannah is approaching 13 (too!), this was refreshing, encouraging and RIGHT ON.
Stacy MacDonald has a book entitled: “Raising Maidens of Virtue”. She clearly and lovingly addresses this and other issues on the raising of daughters.
May God bless you and Hannah and all the Jones family.
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Great thoughts. I work with college students and the girls that have survived this issue and have developed biblical principles of modesty through the steadfast expectations of their parents, are in no way experiencing self esteem issues. In fact every young woman that exemplifies modesty, has a healthy, biblical view of self, and carries herself as a proverbs 31 woman should. Great work Dr. Jones.
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Great article. Thanks for writing it!
As a father of two young daughters, one of a similar age, I can appreciate your struggle and the loving stand that you take!
Good for you all!
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Dear Rebecca,
Let me first state that, truly, it is sinful for a man to look on a woman to lust after her. That should never be condoned or excused by any godly man or woman.
Secondly, what “turns a man on” should be treated with modesty. [...] Truly, it is the man’s responsibility to not take the second glance, but would people like you please stop creating the opportunity for the first glance!
Great article!
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I’m a Dad with three daughters……..12,7 and 5.
I pick out there clothes and a good portion of what my wife wears. (I know to some this will be appalling to some.) Carol’s comments about the thrift store are 100% accurate. When I was convicted by GOD about “shamefacedness” this is the only place where I could find some clothes that would allow the women in my family to be shamefaced. My daughters and wife aren’t unhappy with it because they Love the Lord and know that I want myself and them to do what is pleasing unto his most Holy sight. Further, after studying the Word on this issue there really was not much objection the can be made to the scripture; it was just time to “do”. I have to thank GOD that my wife Loves Him, because if she didn’t it could create some dissension in the home. I just want to close by saying, to me it is a father’s role first. As God came to Adam regarding the sin in the Garden, he likewise will check with the father in regards to the attire of the family he’s been charged to guide.
Let GOD be true………
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I and my wife have had this discussion about how young ladies dress. [...] The Lord told us in Matt 5:28 ” for a man to look on a woman and to lust after he has committed adultery in his heart”. The verse is pointed squarely on the shoulders of men to guard their thoughts. But it also puts upon the shoulders of women to dress in modest way. Be holy in all you do. The Lord commanded us to like Him.
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Thank you so much for your Godly words. You made clearer my thoughts than I could have done. I am going to keep this and send it to all the people that I can. I am going to keep it for my daughters (4 and 6) and show them this if they start to get to the teen years and if they start to question my rules for this topic.
God Bless you and yours!!
Tiffany
http://www.leavingprintsphotography.com
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i am taking my 21 year old daughter and my 12 year old daughter to the mall today.
need i say more?
thanks for the support and guidance.
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I could have written this article. The only difference is that I am a mom. I have three daughters and shopping for clothes can be a chore because of our standards but I want to encourage you to know that you can find some really cute and fashionable clothing that is modest if you persevere. What I love now is that my own girls are making those fashion decisions for themselves. We dress modestly not because we don’t want a guy to fall but because we want to honor God in all we do. And by the way… my boys have similar standards.
Blessings and thank you!!!
Debbie
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Fabulous! Thanks for writing what is in so many peoples minds these days.
There was a comment from someone in education that did not think showing a bit of skin was that big of a deal–or seemed to be confused about what was and wasn’t appropriate. Sadly, because of the attitude around “it is their (guys) problem not mine”, the thought line above is not uncommon.
And yet, as Christians, are we not supposed to avoid causing someone else to stumble? So, with that in mind, shouldn’t we, as Christians, avoid wearing tight clothes, exposing ones body in such a way as to arouse the opposite sex (it can potentially go both ways here!)?
Fathers, yes, you certainly should be of the mindset of being the “fashion police” - you are to protect your daughter. Seriously, my grandfather used to say that if you are dressed like you are “in business” don’t be surprised when someone takes you up on the offer (inadvertent though it may be). You need to gently explain (from the beginning - ie little girls) why one does not dress in such a manner - fashionable or not. Do you REALLY want the boys at school thinking “those” kinds of thoughts about your daughter…and asking her for a date with those thoughts in mind?
The way I see it, if one can see front or back “cleavage” you have exposed too much. [...]
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Great article. I have two boys. My older son is 12 now and beginning to make comments about the girls not being dressed nicely. He is embarrassed by their lack of clothing. I appreciate the effort you are putting into teaching your daughter modesty.
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Don’t worry, for Jesus has said “Do not worry about your life, what you will eat, what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing. Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? So, why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow, they neither toil not spin, and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe YOU, O you of little faith? For after these things the Gentiles seek. For your Heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.”
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My goodness.
I believe I have, to use Dr. Hamilton’s term, “stirred the pot” with this article! In the days since it was posted, comments here have reached fifty, comments on other blogs, on Facebook, and in personal emails to me have spiraled well into the hundreds. Additionally, the article has been featured on a national radio program.
http://www.crosstalkamerica.com/shows/2009/01/clothing_and_character.php
http://67.36.84.226/crosstalk2/ct090105.mp3
In all of these, I have received only three negative responses. After reflecting on those, here are some additional thoughts:
(1) @Rebecca: “Young people … might wear a low-rise jean and still be a great example of living the Christian life. From my journey at SBTS, it was how you lived your life, and how your treated your neighbor in walking your Christian journey that was of more importance that if some of your skin was exposed”: And yet, how I treat my neighbor is inseparable from my witness to the character of God in my neighbor’s presence. When a young woman in our culture exposes flesh in this way, what possible glory can this bring to God? How can this truly build up her neighbor? I stand by my earlier point that what our children wear reflects and shapes their souls–and I still contend that such clothing cannot shape the soul in positive ways.
(2) @Connie: “Why do you worry about clothing?”: These words of Jesus from the Gospels have to do with people worrying about whether God will provide them with sufficient food, shelter, and clothing–not with the appropriateness of clothes. My concern is whether Christians use their clothing in ways that bring honor and glory to God.
(3) @Doug@life2gether.wordpress.com: “I think it’s worth noting that even though his points are true, he seems to leave out the most important thing-–namely the heart and the gospel”: As I developed this, I was thinking more of the common grace that is present in parenting than of the results of the particular grace that God bestows on his children. As such, my suggestions had to do with what parents can do externally to shape the child’s inward being. That said, the more I consider your point, the more I am convinced that you’re correct. A fourth point needs to be added to address the heart and the Gospel. If this is published somewhere else, I’ll be certain to add that point. Good call!
And, by the way, we did find a great, modest light blue leotard, so we’re set for this year!
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To: Mom to 2 Boys
Stay watchful. He is only 12 right now.
“He is embarrassed by their lack of clothing.” will quickly go away!
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Your article was very refreshing…but I couldn’t help feeling sad that it had to be written at all! Are Christians so dead in the ear to the Spirit that these things need to be explained to them??? Two things that I feel need to be mentioned and emphasized to Christian parents:
1. Insisting on modest dress is your Biblical duty as a parent…but it is NOT a guaranteed “charm” to produce a Christian child who holds the same views you do when they leave your home. I say this from experience, sadly. My husband and I raised a lovely, seemingly Christlike girl who shared our views of modest dress all through high school…then we sent her off to college and she adopted a totally worldly view of dress from the students around her….oh, did I mention it was a well respected fundamental evangelical “Christian” college in a large midwestern city? Do you get my point? We present God’s standards to our children, but they will eventually choose their own way and there are plenty of ’so-called-christians’ who are willing to lead them astray someday….so dress them modestly and wear your “modestly covered” knees out in prayer for them!
2. Another point that needs to be mentioned is that the ‘bare midriff’ is pretty much passe and out of style now (thankfully). If you check out the stores today, most of the sweaters and shirts for girls are tunic-length and multiple layers are back! (yeah!) Notice that in repsonse to the more modest girls clothing, the boys clothing is becoming tighter and their hair is longer and back to the hippie look of the 70’s… (Now parents of boys will have to struggle with the ‘long hair’ problems!) If you think it is hard to find modest girl’s clothing today, be glad you didn’t have a teen in the early 2000’s when bare midriffs WERE in style…at least now, my teen daughter can find a long tunic to cover up her low-rise jeans and layer a modest round neckline under a low v-neck sweater.
3. Modesty doesn’t have to be dorky! It takes more work, but modest clothing options are out there if you take the time to look. We want our daughters to be living proof that modesty and fashion make a lovely combination. Moms need to model this also. Moms, if you are still sporting your 1980’s puffed sleeve, dropped waist floral dresses, it is time for a change, ladies! Teach your daughters to choose modest elements from fashion trends by the example you set.
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I agree with you about the need to dress modestly.
However, may I mention that modesty is culturally defined? Some third world people wear just a beaded string around the waist, or just an apron the covers the groin — because buttocks and breasts are not viewed in quite the same way they are in our place and time.
Likewise, in the Victorian era, showing ankles or wrists was considered immorally provocative.
As long as we don’t pretend there are absolute and specific standards of modesty for all times and places, there is room for our understanding of modesty to be more about the principles you mention (character, consideration) and less about inches and styles.
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Well, buying clothes for my 12 year old has been rather difficult, usually come home empty handed.
Tw years ago , a new church in our area, sent out welcome invites to about 70,000 people via mail.
My husband wrote a loving letter filled with scripture concerned with what the mail invitation looked like. A teenager wearing low, low low rider tight jeans and a tiny thin underwear looking top about 4 inches above and below belly button, a kid 8 years old sticking out his tonge and one other picture. Come as you are it said. It also conveyed a message, forget the old paths we are new and improved!!
My husband a Sunday School teacher , photocopyed the picture of the girl and asked his class what the picture was advertising, you can guess the response.
Needless to say my husband did not receive a reply from the pastor. I wonder why?
I was a cabin lead, 12 girls per cabin, 140 girls 11 to 12 year old , this past summer.My daughter was 11, she stayed in a cabin another cabin, thought it would be more fun without mom, in hers.I asked many questions on the phone and through email. It was the most conservative camp I though I could find.
No words,The chrisitian cabin role model leaders looked like play boy bunnies.The mature mini skirt, bikini clad leadership team, Directors and bible teachers listening to Shana Twain, couldn’t understand, 3 days into the camp why I was crying wracked sobs of dispair.
I wanted to share the gospel, and be a light, but at that age the girls want to emulate the cool leaders. I was heart broken.
Sex sells in church, maybe i should get a nose ring and join them, it is awfull lonely on the Timothy side of the fence, for my daughter and me. NOt!.
. a s well
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Great Article….. I completely agree and don’t look forward to the time this happens with Olivia. But to spice things up in this already long “responses” what is a church to do with unchurched, lost visitors who wear “immodest” clothing and whose parents don’t go to church nor care what they wear????? hehehehe
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Great post- and even the lost world in their own way knows that something is amiss with the market sexualizing young girls (check out the book “Packaging Girlhood” and the author’s blog at http://www.packaginggirlhood.typepad.com/).
I think it should be emphasized that what is questionable isn’t just the presence of suggestive words and phrases on clothing- but where do words and pictures draw the eye? To a little girl’s behind? To a young woman’s chest? Excuse me, but on what planet is staring at the female bosom or her posterior considered okey-dokey as long as what you are doing is ‘reading’ her clothing?
I would disagree with Marcy that cultural definitions of modesty can ‘override’ Biblical definitions. Regardless of one’s culture, naked is naked, and is forbidden in Scripture. The reason some cultures have a different view of nakedness isn’t because they live in a pre-fall Garden of Eden, but because they live on a corrupted earth.
Moderation is the key to modesty in any culture.
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Thank you, thank you for the love you have for your daughter. I only wish more parents would clue into the things that you have mentioned and protect their children.
Idiots wonder why our society is in the immoral state that it is, but then they think that such slogans and immoral dress is cute and funny.
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This is exactly why my family started WholesomeWear in 2001. Modest swimwear was non-existant at the time. My customers love to swim and some had not been able to for years, until they came across the WholesomeWear website. Thank you for a well written article regarding the clothing that we have to choose from out there. I agree with you on every point.
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Thank you so much for sharing insight into this issue! As a mother of two teenage daughters and the dean at a Christian school which includes 400+ girls, your comments matched my thoughts exactly. I talk with the girls about finding modest, fashionable apparel and help them understand the worldview of today’s designers. It’s a difficult task, but we as Christian parents, must hold the line, be not weary in well doing, and continue to train the next generation. Again, thank you for your encouraging words.
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Sunniemom, to my knowledge Scripture never actually defines nakedness or modesty in terms of body parts. So Marcy isn’t saying that culture overrides Scripture but that Scripture is silent and culture is the next authority in line.
This isn’t to say that I disagree with our definition, or even that I agree with Marcy. I would actually name the prevailing conviction of devout Christians of the opposite gender as the next authority. This is different from Marcy’s position in that it excludes both one’s sexual peers and the spiritually immature from voting.
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GOD bless….Excellent post…Right on target..
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