Are Prenuptial Agreements Okay for Christians?
— Wednesday, February 4th, 2009 —
A pastor emailed me recently to say that he’d been in the process of preparing a couple for marriage. In the flow of premarital counseling he learned that the man had insisted that his future wife sign a prenuptial agreement, and that she’d agreed to it. The pastor told the couple they’re not ready to marry, and wondered whether prenuptial agreements have any place in a Christian marriage.
Let me first note that I am sure there are some legal circumstances in which a prenuptial agreement is mandated by law or by insurance policies, say in the case of a widow who remarries and who has minor children from her first marriage receiving an ongoing inheritance.
The typical arrangement of a prenuptial agreement, however, is completely outside the Christian vision of marriage. Here’s why.
First of all, a prenuptial agreement assumes a contractual rather than a covenantal view of marriage. It assumes there are two “partners” in the marriage, each protecting his or her interests and resources.
A Christian marriage, however, is a one-flesh union. What is true of the one is true of the other. A prenuptial agreement in a Christian marriage makes about as much sense as a legal contract between one’s mouth and one’s stomach, in case of a refusal to provide nutrients. The Apostle tells us: “No man hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church” (Eph 5:29).
This one-flesh union is in view in the traditional Christian vows, “with all my worldly goods I thee endow.”
A prenuptial agreement also presupposes divorce. Divorce is a regrettable future possibility, in this scenario, but it is a possibility. A couple that begins preparing for the possibility of divorce is headed toward it. Why not have the couple sign a legal document with arrangements made for the children in the case that she murders him? We wouldn’t think to do so because murder is, or ought to be, unthinkable for a couple preparing for marriage. Sadly, divorce is all too thinkable, even for those marrying in Christian churches.
I’m with my pastor correspondent. This couple is not yet ready to marry, to give themselves to one another completely. If the future groom can’t trust his bride with his money, how can he trust her with his life, his family, his children, his future?
18 Responses to “Are Prenuptial Agreements Okay for Christians?”
Trackbacks
- Be The Fruit » Blog Archive » Should Christians get a Prenup?
- Are Prenuptial Agreements Okay for Christians? - Delivered By Grace | Theology Blog
- Prenuptial Law: Challenges to Prenuptial Agreements.
- Are prenuptial agreements OK for Christians? | The Daily Scroll
- Russel Moore on Prenups and Christians… « Above Every Name
- Twenty Items of Interest (v.45) | Caffeinated Thoughts
The subtext behind this message is the distinction between legal marriage and Christian marriage. Many countries already acknowledge this distinction in that they have both civil and religious ceremonies. Failure to make this distinction in our country has led to a number of thorny issues beyond just pre-nups.
1. Legally, marriage IS regarded as a contract between two consenting, competent parties and is managed generally by contract law. There is no such thing in the eyes of the state of a “covenant” marriage (except for those states which have adopted alternative definitions).
2. Pastors who perform weddings become agents of the state. No two ways around this. If you depend on the state to give you the authority to solemnize a vow, then you become an agent of said state and must act in accordance with its laws. One way around this is to distinguish civil from sacred unions.
3. By letting the state define marriage, we give them the power to define it however they want to and we are obligated to accept it. This worked out fine with Prop. 8 in CA, but not so well for pastors in VT.
4. Because we allow the state to define what is and is not marriage, and we have a vested interest in the outcome of this argument, we then are forced to involve ourselves in the political arena for what is ostensibly a sacred institution.
I think you have a valid argument - that under most instances Christians should not seek a pre-nup - but the reality is we operate under American laws where, for better or for worse, the state generally does not recognize either the definition or the purpose or the sanctity of what we call marriage.
Additionally, the covenantal relationship alluded to in the post misses the point that biblically and historically, the covenant was NOT between the groom and the wife. The covenant was between the groom’s parents and the bride’s parents, usually, and the marriage was in essence a transfer of property (the bride) often with the purpose of establishing or maintaining political alliances. Hence, God’s caution for kings not to take many wives because of entangling political alliances that lead to religious declension, and admonitions to Israel not to marry outside their own kin for the same reason. I’m not saying we can’t have modern covenant marriages, but we do need to recognize that they aren’t the same as what constituted a covenant marriage in the Bible.
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Thank you for your clear analysis of this odd, yet important issue. A few years ago, I found myself growing more and more frustrated about participating in the “look at me” shows that weddings have become. I either got to the age where I just don’t care or got my heart right with God. Either way, I put my foot down and now I will not perform a wedding ceremony whose main focus is anyone other than the God who gave marriage as a sweet gift to humanity. In premarital counselling, my focus is no longer money, sex, blah, blah, blah. Instead, the couple and I go to the Scriptures to learn the meaning and importance of covenental relationships.
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@Rick. You are quite right to note the legal aspect to marriage. In the old times this legal transaction may have taken place between parents while today in the USA this legal transaction is enacted by the state through a license. But the thing you are missing is that God’s view and activity in marriage transcends the legal requirement.
When we speak of marriage as a covenant, we do not do so because it is a legal agreement, but because of God’s involvement in the process. The Scriptures are quite clear that it is God, not the state or parents, that join people together in marriage. In this process we are told that the man and woman leave their parents and cleave to one-another becoming one-flesh. The key parties then are the bride, groom, and God not the parents, state, or other legal entity tht might be privy to the legal aspects of the marriage.
In my mind, the one-flesh relationship goes beyond Christian marriages because marriage was instituted in creation with Adam and Eve, and we have the example of Paul telling the Church at Corinth to retain their marriages with their unbelieving spouses. The point is that God joins people together as one-flesh whether they are Christians or not so we cannot conclude that there is not a distinction between a legal or Christian marriage.
If this is true then the question regarding prenups actually applies to all marriages, but we are not to judge the world which is why we should rightly focus on Christian marriages. I think Dr. Moore has it right here in that Christians should not have prenups. Although the world may view marriage merely as a legal agreement, we as Christians know the truth and should expect one-another to live according to this truth, which means living as if we become one-flesh with our spouses in marriage.
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Russell,
You are dead on. The request for the pre-nup reveals the man’s attitude not only towards marriage, but towards his possessions, and his future wife. Her willingness to enter a marriage based on this kind of relationship is revealing as well. More than likely this would be a marriage doomed before the start.
As pastors we should promote and uphold a biblical view of marriage against the secular version now in vogue. I would refuse to marry such a couple as well.
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I am with you all the way on this. I disagree with a prenuptial agreement. I feel like the couple is already anticipating a divorce by having one. Why bother getting married if already see your marriage parting ways in the future?
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I find this all very interesting. I’m a Christian and I would never think about getting a prenup because I feel that when I do marry I want it to be forever. If that means I never get married then so be it. But here is an interesting article on how some of the Jewish faith think of this same topic.
http://www.firstwivesworld.com/relevant-news/get-prenups-may-be-required-australian-jews
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Dr. Moore,
When I read the title of this post, I thought, “Of course not!” And then I rapidly composed a response in my mind, which turns out to have already been written by your (better than I had “written”, if I must admit, hehee).
The key here is the difference between a contract and a covenant.
A note to one of the earlier respondents, if my understanding of Colorado law is correct - the state vests absolutely no authority in the minister. The certificate must simply be signed in front of witnesses and the couple may do this in the clerk’s office without even reciting vows. I have been to weddings here where the customary, “By the power vested in me by the state of Colorado” is ommitted for this reason.
Kamilla
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Amen, Bill Blair and Dr. Moore.
Rick, I’m sorry, but you missed the point. Christians should look at marriage from the perspective of Scripture, not from the American perspective. I think Genesis 2:21-24 is pretty clear that God puts man and woman together in a covenant union to become one flesh. The laws that man makes and the customs that man makes do not supercede what God decrees.
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Unfortunately divorce among Christians is no different than among the secular population. We can wish it otherwise but that does not make it so. I don’t think I would want my minister dictating how I handle my “of this world” affairs. Given that we are all sinners why not prepare for the worst but pray for the best.
How abut a minister who decides to uphold the early Christian practice of requiring soldiers who become Christians to find another occupation as war is against the principles of Christ. Would that be ok too?
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RJ,
The pragmatism displayed by your response is the issue behind all of this, whether for those getting married or the pastor who marries them.
The issue for the pastor is not and should not be one of pragmatism, but one of principle, biblical principle. For the pastor in the post this was his opportunity, and responsibility as pastor, to teach the couple about a biblical view of marriage; and if they don’t accept it, he is not under any obligation to marry them.
Just because half of Christian marriages end in divorce, or that pre-nups are common in secular marriages is not justification for marrying this couple.
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Ya know, it’s all fine and dandy to say the Christian shouldn’t get a prenup until you are the one who’s “Christian” wife is now divorcing for other than biblical reasons.
The fact is that state laws now induce women into divorce, and some church’s now preach egalitarian marriages which causes huge conflicts within marriage.
A prenup is not necessary about divorce as it can be about how the marriage is to be governed, along with a clear diffinition of the roles and responsibilities of each person.
Today the states are redefining marriage. With a prenup, a Christian Couple can define their marriage according to the bible, while at the same time take away the state’s encouragement of wives divorcing their husbands for other than biblical grounds.
For thousands of years, Jewish weddings always included a prenup. This prenup defined the marriage in accordance with the Torah. I think it is high time that Christians use prenup to define their marriages in accordance with the bible. Otherwise their marriage will be defined by the state.
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I respectfully disagree. The Pastor require the couple to obtain a marriage licesne before he will officiate at the ceremony. The Pastor then signs the license and sends it to the government. By this very act (and this alone) the Pastor sujbects the copule to no fault divorce laws of the government and the governments prenup that kicks in in the event of divorce. That plan is often (particularly in community property states) as explicit as any prenup. Because the government’s prenup can yield very unjust results in certain circumstances (particularly where the couple is older and established–a gross example of this being the Paul McCartney divorce) the couple may seek to alter it with a prenup.
Any Pastor that requires or cooperates with the government by registering the marriage and simultaneoulsy objects to a fair and reasonable prenup is a hypocrite or, at best, extremely naieve. If the church doesn’t like prenups then it needs to stop cooperating with the government in licensing marriages–which are really nothing more then licenses to divorce–since marriage is no longer civilly binding with no fault divorce.
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