How Much Do I Need to Know About My Potential Spouse’s Sexual Past?
— Wednesday, February 24th, 2010 —
Below is the latest installment of our “Questions and Ethics” series. As always, read the scenario below and let me know in the comments section what I should advise in the situation. What would you counsel?
Dear Dr. Moore,
I am a young single Christian woman. I made a commitment at a very young age to remain sexually chaste, and I’ve done so. I have dated other boys, but always just in groups in a very casual setting. Now, however, I am seeing a young Christian man who seems great in every way. We have dated for about a month, and I really like him. He treats my family (my father is deceased but my mother and sisters live near me) great, and all my friends like him.
Here’s my question. I am wondering what his sexual past looks like, in order to know what I’m getting into. Has he been with other women, sexually? If so, how many and in what way? Has he ever had a problem with pornography? With every week that goes by, I’m more and more in love with him, and I’m afraid to keep getting my hopes up only to have them dashed when we’re right at the point of marriage.
I’m not saying that any particular information would necessarily kill the relationship, but I’d sure like to know something about this to know what I’m getting myself into. It sure seems awkward, though, to say, “So tell me about your sex life?” Would that be forcing too much intimacy too soon? Is it right for a woman to be so forward with a man who’s not her husband? Do I ever need to know this?
My question: should I ask him about his past? If so, how should I ask it, and at what point in the relationship?
True Love Waiting
Okay, readers. What do you think? And, one more thing, how would your answer differ to her, if at all, if she were a man and the roles here were reversed?
All of that information should be on the table before a decision to get married is made. Sexual history and past relationships are important gauges of a person’s attitudes and actions of the conscience. Over an extended period of time, patterns in behavior can emerge and provide a clearer picture of what might lie ahead for the relationship. Being a Christian man is no guarantee that this man has the relationship skills, maturity or compatibility to be a husband. The fact that he has a good relationship with your family and your friends is a good indication that he does have a similar set of values and has those skills relationship skills.
Here are a few items that I encourage singles to find out about a person before committing to a romantic relationship
1. Faith. Not only Christian, but what kind of Christian. A nominal Christian married to a person of strong faith can present serious problems.
2. Family. What kind of household did he come from and did they share similar values to you.
3. Attitudes and actions of the conscience. How does the potential spouse operate in a variety of context (work, family, school, with his/her friends, etc). You must also remember that patterns of behavior only start to show themselves after 3 months.
4. Examples of other relationships. If the potential spouse has a series of relationships in which the former partner was described negatively (ie. she was NUTS) there is a good chance that you will become one of those stories some day.
5. Communication skills.
Most importantly, a person must pay attention to the red flags when they present themselves. A red flag does not spell doom, but it warrants further discussion. The Christian life is all about redemption and change, but if the potential spouse has a persistent resistance to change, those red flags will become major relationship issues regardless of how strongly you feel about the person. You have to keep your head and your heart on the same sheet of music.
You are to be commended on asking these serious questions and now is the time to do it. It might also be a test of your communication skills. Being able to address an issue directly, respectfully, in a non-threatening atmosphere and in love will be an important part of setting that pattern for a marriage.
And as for the second part of the question that Dr. Moore posed, there is absolutely no difference whether it is a man or a woman, both genders must answer these questions before getting married.
As always, I highly recommend pre-marital counseling with a qualified pastor who can help draw out these questions in a safe and productive environment. I require at least 8 sessions with any couple that ask me to perform a wedding service.
@J Kent Kroencke,
Not just pre-marital counseling, but pre-engagement counseling should be going on before the question is popped.
Let me add something to the equation: What if the fiancee in question became a Christian 5 years ago, but had been sexually active before that? Is it important to know how they sinned while they were still an unbeliever? Or even if they were a believer, does it make any difference if they recognized their sin and repented of it, years before the current relationship in question?
(Obviously, if they’re still continuing in that pattern of sin, it’s an entirely different question.)
A different twist on the question: What if the man in question asked the woman to divulge whether or not she had any eating disorders in the past. Or whether she had ever experimented with drugs. And he framed it around, “I just want to know what I’m getting into.”
At the very least, I definitely don’t think one should disqualify a potential spouse on the grounds that they’ve committed sins in the past!
I’m not really sure that one month into a “relationship” is the time to explore this kind of question.
I would tell the young lady to evaluate the boy based on how his Christian walk is today, and not on what it may have been five or six years ago. I would remind her of the fallen nature of mankind, and that even good Christian people make mistakes and do things that they are not proud of, and have repented of, and are working through by the grace of God. I would also advise her that if she watches and listens carefully, she will know enough about the young man that she won’t have to ask him that question point blank — she will be able to figure out if there is a problem or not pretty quickly.
@Warren,
I find your comments insightful. I agree wholeheartedly.
Helen
It is certainly a good sign that they have been dating a month and she hasn’t figured out his sexual ethics the hard way. Good chance she doesn’t have too much to worry about.
If she wants to know these things, she needs to ask. It isn’t healthy to try to ascertain the information in any other way.
I think requesting a sexual resume (What did was done with whom) may be a bit too intimate to ask for at this stage of the game — But asking about his ethics on the subject is appropriate, and very likely will lead to a outright confession by a good Christian man who is repentant and walking in the light.
Repented sin should probably not be held against the person, although it will complicate intimacy in the marriage. Unrepented sin should be the reason to run away.
A question I have gotten several times recently. I’ve noticed that as we move along as a society the number of chaste Christian singles is rapidly declining. Recently I heard a young minister who works with singles in their twenties and thirties say that about 95% of singles have already or will have a sexual relationship before they are married. We have a problem.
Perhaps the best avenue for this young lady is to simply ask. Have the big conversation about where the relationship is heading and simply ask, “Have you ever had sex with someone?” It is a necessary question.
Now I wouldn’t caution against having a long and drawn out history or getting into major details. But being open and honest is important. Without the relationship stays surface.
I know many couples who have been married for years and are truly happy together even though one had some failings before they were married. Yet, don’t we all fail in some regards.
What a great opportunity to understand grace and love. I pray for that grace and understanding for this couple.
Christ gave his life for a bride with a promiscuous past.
To the Christian man: Don’t think of yourself more highly than you ought to think, as if you are too pure for a woman who formerly followed the passions of the flesh. Yet because of the consequences of promiscuity (e.g. STD’s), there could be legitimate reason not to marry.
To the Christian woman: You don’t want to know the details of a man’s thoughts or actions in this hyper-sexualized culture. They’re worse than you think. More importantly, look for present patterns of his all-out warfare against lust. Does he hold himself accountable? Does he lock himself out from access to sexual media? Does he prevent flirtation with other women? If there are deal-breakers for you (e.g. STD’s), then you best find out sooner than later.
More important than his past is his views now, both of relationships in general and marriage in particular. If he has truly given himself to Christ, he should have a fairly orthodox view of marriage. All are sinners saved by grace, so to me it doesn’t matter the gender in the above question. Once you trust the person, you should be able to trust the answers to their views. We all have things in our past that we are not particularly proud of, yet as believers we are continually being conformed to the likeness of the Savior.
I believe that 1 month in is not only too soon to talk about such things, but also too soon to worry about such things.
With that said, I do believe that it is important for full disclosure to be made of such things BEFORE a commitment of marriage is made. Because of the society we live in, and our fallen natures, keeping this topic silent and secret from your spouse will have disasrous consequences.
Reversing the roles does not change anything in this equation.
Early in our dating relationship my now wife asked me about my sexual history. More so with pornography then with past girlfriends. While the question caught me off guard and made me a little defensive at first I remember thinking how much I appreciated the question. It showed how serious she was about honesty and openness in our relationship. And it also let me know that those questions were open game in the future and helped keep me accountable in the future.
I agree with much of what has been said before. Don’t use this as a chance to throw dirt in his face if it is something that he has dealt with and asked repentance for and is striving to pursue purity in this area. Don’t ask the specifics. But it is important to know how high sexual purity is in his view. If you don’t ask the question early on you might discover in a very unfortunate way that it wasn’t very important at all.
Would it be different if the genders were reversed? Somewhat. I still think the question should be asked. I would emphasize the importance even more for a girl though because of the power and control that a male can exert in the heat of the moment. It’s important for her to know that she can trust her boyfriend.
Howdy Dr. Moore,
I am going to be up front and say that every person and/or couple is different, so my answer may not be what is truly best for this young lady. I am currently engaged do a wonderful woman of God and we plan on getting married at the end of this year. However, we have had to walk through a lot of stuff to arrive to this point.
DTR
I think it is absolutely necessary to address at the beginning of the relationship what are we doing here. If you could not see yourself marrying this person then you probably do not need to be in the relationship. It would seem like this nice young lady feels strongly about him and her heart is set on possibly marrying this young man. With that in mind i think you move onto what to do during this time of courting.
Courting
My fiance and I chose to be very open up front about who we are and what we have dealt with in the past. Sadly, this was my mistake in leading i was too up front and although she handled everything i told her. I was not mature enough to talk through two relationships she had been in that were “active” even though it was just a short time. I also was not ready to handle that one of those relationships was very unhealthy. I fully believe that there is a time and a place to discuss such issues, but it needs to be in my opinion in the confides of engagement.
Engagement
I know since we were children everyone pushes on you True Love Waits and you have to be a virgin for the Lord to use you. Sadly this is not so, now i do believe God loves and treasures a child who chooses to remain pure, but purity is not just with your body it is with your mind as well. So as a couple you have to wait to talk about such serious things till you are both ready and they need to be with a Pastor/Minister/ Counselor preferably at least 2 of those 3. Trust me i am speaking from experience i thought i wanted to know, but in reality i had no way of processing what my fiance and i talked about.
I know it is scary to think of waiting to talk about such issues, but i do not believe suddenly your love for this person will just go away once you find out about what they dealt with in there younger years. Ephesians 2:8 “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing;it is the gift of God” God is working in our lives constantly and it is extremely difficult sometimes dealing with mistakes from the past, imagine if you are the guy in the relationship knowing you struggled with pornography you would hate to talk about it. But, as you grow together and prayerfully consider if this is what God has for you wait for the appropriate time to talk about such issues. God has pursued his bride and i truly believe we have to pursue Christ in all things, including our relationships before marriage. Since this is where a great deal of temptation takes place. Talking about such issues before you are ready can open all kinds of doors you are not ready for.
Hopefully the Spirit will reveal what should be said and that it would be heard on open ears.
1 Corinthians 2:12 “Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God”
Grace and peace
I would not begin dating a man whom I didn’t already know well as a friend. At the point the relationship turned in that direction, I would enlist the help of my brother (who is also my pastor!) in talking to my boyfriend about such things. It’s not a topic I want to discuss with a man, and though I’m a virgin, I wouldn’t consider it a deal breaker if he was not. But, I don’t want to progress in a relationship without knowing there is a commitment to purity in his life, and who better to have a frank conversation with him about it then another man. I wouldn’t need the details from my brother; if he trusts the man and gives his blessing for our relationship, that would be enough for me at least until the point of engagement, when we would go through premarital counseling.
After one month the time may or may not be right but, in general, if you cannot ask this type of question of him then you cannot be married to him.
Marriage requires openness and forgiveness at the beginning, in the middle, and ’til death do you part.
I realize I will be in a minority on this one but here goes, the simple answer is yes these and so many other deeply personal questions need to be asked and answered before marriage (and I would say they need to be answered before your start a relationship, the end of which is hoped to be marriage - in other words before you start “dating” and giving pieces of your heart to a person with whom you discover you have no business being “yoked” in the first place). However, you are correct that these questions are sticky and awkward for you to ask but there is an alternative, one that I believe more closely follows the biblical model. Based on passages like Lev. 18, Jer. 29:6ff, Ezra 9, Neh. 13, Matt 22, Mark 12, Luke 17 and 20, it seems clear that from a biblical perspective parents are supposed to be ACTIVE in guiding and assisting their children in the choice of spouse. This responsibility falls squarely on the shoulders of the fathers (Lev 18, Jer 29) which is clearly an issue in this case but does not change the model (I’ll get to how this is worked out in a bit).
This means that ideally the Father should do his job as the Prophet, Priest, Protector and Provider for his daughter by being the first one any suitor has to come through. This interaction should be more than the superficial “what are your intentions toward my daughter son?” or the “have her home on time and in the same condition she left in”. This should be the careful investigation into the character, theology, personality, education, worldview, and spiritual life of this young man by someone who is guarding the most precious earthly treasure over which he has been given stewardship, his child. The Father should be standing guard and through much prayer and the discernment of the Holy Spirit draw out who this person is, their history, testimony, current walk with Christ, and future plans - in other words he should be intimately acquainted with this person. Once the father is satisfied that this young man is the type of godly, righteous, ready-to-lead-his-own-family man that he, his wife and daughter have been praying for and seeking, then and only then should a daughter enter into a time of relationship building with this person. At that point the questions have been asked and answered by the appropriate protector and the daughter can freely and joyfully approach the relationship in the safety and protection of her father’s loving care and oversight.
But you protest, even if I grant you that this idealistic, cock-eyed picture you painted is remotely possible how does this work in a fallen world where not everyone has their father in their lives? Great question and I am glad you asked! ;) First we should acknowledge that not everyone has the benefit of a godly father or for that matter a father of any kind. However, the scriptures make clear that the first line of defense for such families should be the godly men in their extended family (uncles, grandfathers, older brothers) [1 TIM 5:8]. If they have no believing family to fill this role then it falls to the church to defend them. This is precisely why the Lord places the solitary in families, namely the family of God. Every believer should be a member of a local church. It is the local church with its’ elders and deacons who should proclaim the ideal, perfect standard of God but yet stand ready to aid the widows and the fatherless (either by death or divorce or abandonment). The deacon charged with caring for the widowed mother should be the first one to, with the help and direction of the elders of the church, ensure that godly men are ready to fill this gap in their lives. For a church to do any less would make them guilty of failing to defend the widow and the fatherless which is a most heinous sin in the sight of Almighty God.
@John W.,
wow - right on brother. I think this is rock solid wise counsel.
As a woman, I believe you (person who originally posed this question to Dr. Moore), should know about his past. I do agree with those above who believe you don’t have much to worry about in terms of his sexual past, BUT you need to know not just sexual past but moreso romantic past. Emotional intimacy is just as dangerous (outside of marriage) as physical intimacy. And if he has been in any significant romantic relationship in the past, you should know that (as he should know for you). Why? Because even past sin (especially of a sexual, emotional or physical intimate nature) that has been repented of and dealt with have consequences. Even if he has moved on from a non-sexual (but still romantic) past relationship, he may bear scars from that relationship(s), and you should know about them (as should he about you).
Ideally, he would take the initiative and bring this topic up. Both of you deserve to know of any past sins (especially of a romantic or sexual nature … or “complications” if you prefer that word or don’t see your romantic mistakes as sin) that each of you have been involved in, because even though we are forgiven of all our sins in Christ, we can still feel their effects years after repenting of them. And both of you deserve to know this before ya’ll go any further in the relationship.
My advice? Learn this info ASAP!
For the second part of the question: if it was a man, I’d tell him to initiate this conversation. (Even now, this Christian lady will have to initiate this conversation if the man does not.)
I would like to mention John Piper’s “Ask John Piper” article related to this question. In it, he said, “there must be candor and honesty about what you’ve been through. If you can’t deal with each other’s backgrounds then you probably can’t deal with life, you know? Marriage is trust, and you gotta trust each other with the junk that is in the past and whatever might be coming in the future.”
I think this is important. But, how much detail needs to be shared?
I do not think this information needs to be shared ASAP when dating someone. Should a couple share that information after two months of dating? Before engagement? During pre-marital counseling? I definitely don’t think it should be a few months into a relationship (unless, there is surety it will result in marriage). This is mainly because of the fact that the couple could break up and then there is someone who knows you in a very intimate way. I think this would only result in feeling more hurt and having less trust.
I think this girl should wait and trust God to guide and lead her in this relationship, to see if this man is someone who she could follow and trust. She shouldn’t base her decision to stay with him on his past, unless it’s not something he’s repented of. I think we need to be forgiving toward someone who has a less-than-perfect past, and not judge them or think they in some way less godly if they have repented.
I just want to thank every single one of you for your wise, carefully articulated and profoundly helpful insights.
I am a 20 year-old single guy. I am myself a virgin, and talked through our sexual past with my ex-girlfriend. She had had multiple sexual partners before me, and although she had rather waited for me, she did not see her past behavior as particularly sinful (In Europe, not only the percentage of Christians able to wait until marriage, but even those willing to wait is shockingly low). I could not handle that information at that moment. I was completely filled with anger and rage toward her. I could not forgive her.
She was significantly younger than I was, and had a very, very liberal theology. She actually told me she’d opened the bible less than 30 times in her life. I’m a theology student.
We obviously weren’t a great match, and I have made countless mistakes in our relationship, one of which included pushing sexual boundaries I wish I hadn’t pushed.
I am hesitant to give advice, since I screwed up so bad so recently. I would however like to say that talking about sexuality is in and of itself a very intimate thing. I think it is good, and even necessary to talk about it before you get married. Do however choose the moment wisely and get someone, preferably your pastor involved. The main reason I started to push sexual boundaries with my ex is because we were getting more and more intimate simply by the conversations we had.
Hope this helps, and again, thank you all.
Marc raises a good point - simply talking about sexual history is a very intimate thing in itself, and can actually add dangerous sexual tension & thoughts to the relationship.
“No sinner without a future; no saint without a past” (Oscar Wilde, attrib.) Any discussion of one’s background in this context should begin from this premise.
I think she has every right to know where someone stands on those issues. Although I do feel that if she continues to have a relationship with this man then a lot of her concerns will be answered just by watching his walk with Christ. However, I do feel that it is appropriate to ask these questions and she should base her decision to enter into marriage over whether these are resolved issues or not. Nobody is perfect entering into marriage however it is a cultural priviledge we have to know someone in a pretty personal way before marriage. That priviledge should be utilized for this young lady.
I actually feel that it is even more important for her than it would be if the gender roles reversed. This man will set the spiritual tone for their home and his issues will be the families issues in a much more substanitive way. In a Biblical marriage she will be committing to be under his headship and for that reason all caution should be taken. I am not discrediting his need to ask the same questions but I think that it is a very serious challenge for a God honoring wife to serve in a family where the husband is spiritually weak.
These questions must be asked prior to marriage. They are important, especially for a believer who is seriously considering marriage. A month is not that long, but for some it is more than enough time time to know. It must be said though if you are truly ready to ask the tough questions, are you ready to hear the tough answers? While as believers we should act as Christ in all areas of our lives, some take more grace and humility than others, let’s be honest. As someone with a past, both emotional and sexual I get that out in the open sooner than later. It is not something I am proud of, but I am blessed that Christ has redeemed ME and that past before I truly knew Him! While it isn’t something I want to think about, I know it is something that needs to be spoken about. On this difficult question specifically I pray and meditate over Luke 7:36-50.
While it is very hard for me to discuss I cannot imagine how hard it is for the person that loves me to hear. To the young woman asking: You should know that sometimes the answer you get isn’t always the answer you want, and it may drive you crazy and lead to sleepless nights and lots of ice cream… I know. If you received that answer then you need to put up extra safeguards. Once that line has been crossed, it is easy to cross it again, unfortunately. However, we must remember 1 Cor 10:13!
Please allow me (comment 15) for the misplaced modifier in the first sentence of my comment: “As a woman, I believe you (person who originally posed this question to Dr. Moore), should know about his past.”
I am not a woman; that sentence should read: “I believe that you, as a woman, should know about his past.”
Sorry for the grammatical confusion.
Wow! Look at all the do’s and dont’s and the should and shouldn’t’s…
The only reason you probably will ask is because it is going around your head and you “want” to know. 1 month into a relationship is no time at all, so the question you should really ask yourself at this stage is, if you ask the question and hear something you don’t want to hear, would you still want to continue on with the relationship? If the answer to that question is no, then its probably best to get the question out in the open rather than waste your time and his in this relationship and wait for your virgin man to come along.
If this guy has had a past but you are willing to see this as PAST and not judge him on his PAST but rather see what kind of FUTURE you have together, then it isn’t really necessary at this point to ask the question. You have only been seeing each other for 1 month.. it is a short time.. enjoy the getting to know each other stage and stop worrying about things that happened in the past.
If you are still stuck and confused why not just ask God and see what He has to say on the matter. We all sin and fall short, but praise God he forgives us and loves us and understands us when we mess up.
You should get a certain “vibe” from the guy you are seeing anyway to determine what kind of character he is. You can’t control everything, just allow things to move on and if you are not happy in the relationship after a certain amount of time, break it off… It’s far too early to be considering marraige, you don’t know each other well enough yet, just enjoy how things are now.
Most of the above responses have some merit, maybe, for discussion, however the only one that is truely Biblical is Andy in #3. How about if you decide to join such-n-such Church, or you want to be baptized, etc. The pastor asks you about your past sin life just to see what they’re getting in to? Valid? NOPE! God says He “remembers it no more”. The past is past. Bury it and leave it there. And I say shame on the person asking the question, ESPECIALLY if that person has remained chaste for marriage, because (and maybe without even meaning to) this smacks of a holier than thou attitude. “I remained chaste, but he/she…”
To borrow Paul’s principle in another matter, Don’t ask those questions for conscience sake. What is important is what is the person’s life like NOW?
@Nicky #22: I agree with some of what you said in principle … except for “enjoy the getting to know each other stage” and your final sentence: “It’s far too early to be considering marraige, you don’t know each other well enough yet, just enjoy how things are now.”
The goal of dating/courtship is to determine if one and the other person are suited for marriage. As a general rule of thumb, the Christian should NOT court someone they would be “unequally yoked” with. One should never date/court someone UNLESS you’d be ok if it wound up in marriage … because one never knows when the next dating/courting relationship will be the one that ends in marriage. There must ALWAYS be intentionality in dating/courtship. “Just enjoy how things are now” sounds scarily secular to me personally. A dating/courting couple should NOT “just enjoy how things are now;” they should be actively determining whether they should marry.
The writer’s subtle self-righteousness in slipping through in the question. There’s an air of “I didnt do that, why should I marry someone who has?” in the writer’s question.
Hopefullyt Dr. Moore will address that aspect.
I think it is fair to ask that question at this point. Probably the best way to do so would be to broach the subject in some sort of pre-engagement counseling within the context of the local church by meeting with a strong Christian couple/elder and his wife etc.