I’m a Complementarian Man With an Egalitarian Wife; Can I Pastor? My Response
— Tuesday, May 31st, 2011 —
A couple of months ago, I posted a question about an ethical dilemma for a minister. When it comes to the subject of gender, he’s a complementarian, and his wife is an egalitarian. He wants to know how their disagreement on this issue shapes whether he should serve as pastor. You gave your thoughts on the issue, and here are mine.
While I mulled over your question, I wanted to check myself for any ideological filters that might skew my answer. So I imagined an alternative universe in which I am an egalitarian, convinced that the Scripture is gender-neutral on the matter of who should serve as a pastor. In this scenario, your wife is the minister, and you’re a complementarian pastor’s husband. What would I say to her?
Of course, in this universe, I’m a convinced complementarian. I believe the Bible teaches both the equality of the sexes and distinct aspects for the two in some aspects of church and home leadership. My answer, I think, in both situations would be the same.
The call to ministry is almost all-encompassing, and it engulfs an entire family in a mission many of them didn’t choose. This is why, I think, the Apostle Paul tells us it is better, if possible, for a servant of Christ Jesus to be free of such obligations in order to give himself fully to the task (1 Cor. 7:1-2).
For the rest of us though, the call to ministry pulls not only an individual but a one-flesh union itself, a marriage, a family, and all that entails. That can be beautiful and mysterious. I just read Eugene Peterson’s majestic autobiography, The Pastor, and was moved by his description of his wife’s sense of mission.
“For Jan, ‘pastor’s wife’ was not just being married to a pastor; it was far more vocational than that, a way of life,” Peterson reflects. “It meant participation in an intricate web of hospitality, living at the intersection of human need and God’s grace, inhabiting a community where men and women who didn’t fit were welcomed, where neglected children were noticed, where the stories of Jesus were told, and people who had no stories found that they did have stories, stories that were part of the Jesus story.”
Peterson found, he writes, early in his ministry that his marriage was more than an intentional partnership. There was an interaction there that was below the level of consciousness. “Interaction is too tame a word,” he writes. “The conjunction was catalytic.”
When I read those words, I smiled with recognition. At the most basic level, that’s what every marriage should be: catalytic. In the ministry, that’s certainly true. In our context, a pastor’s wife is a crucial aspect of the ministry, and that is glorious.
What Peterson is talking about isn’t the stereotype. Let’s be gone with the days when the pastor’s wife is expected to play the piano or serve as a Christified Barbie doll, waving, smiling, and hosting. It’s instead a couple sharing a life together, a life that includes carrying the teachings of Jesus to men, women, and families wrestling against demons.
This is where, I think, your differences on what are (so clinically and reductionistically) called “gender roles” do matter. Because of her place in the congregation, your wife will probably find herself, soon and often, in the Titus 2:3-5 situation of leading women younger in the faith. In our alternative universe, the pastor’s husband will also be highly visible in his unity, or lack thereof, with his wife’s calling. Ironically enough, my word of caution here isn’t because of what a woman “can’t do” in ministry, but because of how crucial her ministry is.
A husband and wife need not agree on everything. But, whatever your view, the issue of male/female relationships will persist as an issue for the sanctification of men, women, and families in your church. If a woman in your church feels herself called to preach, will your wife and you be compelled, by your consciences, to give her opposing counsel?
More likely, what will your wife say when a woman in the congregation confides that she’s facing a struggle about how to submit to her husband in some decision? Will your wife be in the awkward situation of trying to speak from her conscience, about what she believes God would have her to say, without contradicting what you taught in your sermon series on Ephesians. I would say the same in our alternative universe to the complementarian husband who is trying to counsel a church member about how on earth to apply “mutual submission” in his marital context.
Finally, I’m not sure what egalitarian Russell off in the alternative universe would say at this point, but I know what I must say in this world, and it’s more important than all the rest above. You are called to a self-sacrificial headship in your marriage. This means you love your wife, and you do what’s best for her, even to the point of crucifying your own ambitions, your own callings, and even your own life (Eph. 5:25-30). Don’t put your wife in the situation in which she must choose between loyalty to you and fidelity to what she believes. If that means serving the Lord in some way other than the pastorate, so be it. Your marriage is more important than your ministry.
I am not saying you shouldn’t be a pastor. I am saying that you probably should wait a while. You and your wife should devote some time to prayer and conversation about how you will be united in ministry on matters like these. You may find that, praying and searching the Scriptures together, your views (as often happens in marriages) come closer together. Or you may find a way for your wife to cooperate with you in your ministry with a unified front without compromising either conscience.
If that’s the case you may find that your wife is more “complementarian” than you think.
What’s your ethical dilemma? Send me an email at questions@russellmoore.com
Thanking God after reading this that my wife recognizes what God has clearly taught in His word about gender roles.
Maybe this would work if the wife in this scenario agreed to wear a head-covering, per I Cor. 11 (one of the LEAST-popular passages in the New Testament - yet its an imperative tied to the creation order, hence trans-cultural and I believe relevant for today. I’d love your take on that issue, Dr. Moore.)
I am sorry to strongly disagree with you in this matter. I understand the heart behind your reasons, but rather than sacrifice pastoral ministry over a difference in opinion/interpretation of what the Bible teaches why not openly demonstrate what generous, loving disagreement within the body of Christ ought to look like.
Yes, the wife may counsel according to her understanding, and the husband will do the same. So what? Give the person seeking understanding the best of both arguments and say, “now you must prayerfully wrestle through these issues and reach a place of resolve.” Why do we feel this compulsion to neatly divide into camps on stuff that just doesn’t matter. Can you actually imagine God on judgement day saying to this husband and wife ministry team saying, “Well done good and faithful servants, but I really wish you could have been more insistent on drawing clearly boundary lines over women in ministry?” I suspect He and we won’t even care about this issue then, so why get so hung up on it now?
@Ryan Mahoney, it would be just as possible for God’s response on judgment day to be: “I wish you would have been more insistent on what I clearly revealed in my Word.” Your stance is just as “compulsive” as the stance of those you complain about. You insist that God won’t care about something that other people insist He has already revealed He cares a great deal about.
It is ironic that this point is argued by quoting an author that adamantly supports women pastors. In fact, his mother was one.
This has confirmed the thoughts I’ve had for some time due to my wife’s increasingly divergent theological and cultural views…it’s heartbreaking, but I know that I have to leave the ministry. Staying would only mean embarrassment and disaster - how can I model a legit Xian marriage when my wife and I have moved so far apart? We’re not on the same page anymore, and I can’t see her moving back to here we were when we were first married. I mean, our relationshipmis still strong, it’s just the Jesus thing that is driving us apart. I feel like I’ve made such a major mistake, it’s all ruined.
Life, huh?
@T,
Now that is truly sad, and must be displeasing to the God who made you one flesh …..
Brothers and sisters in Christ - this is not a core issue!, but something on which we can agree to disagree ….
Is your wife a Christian? …. then the rest is a matter for loving discussion (not argument!) … if she is wrong then God will surely teach her this ….
In the same way, if you are wrong then surely God will also teach you this.
The devil is surely laughing at us majoring on minors when there are so many major issues out there eg… abortion - what an abomination and so few Christian voices
@T, Hey man, just prayed for you. This is the first time I’ve read this blog, and I saw this. You gotta pray more! Please! Ask God to change her heart; I know I just did. He can do anything. Keep the faith, bro. God has a plan even if it’s not what you envisioned.
Surely the alternative universe that needs to be contemplated is one where the wife holds egalitarian views and is called to ministry, but the husband holds complementarian views - should the wife in this position take a ministry position?
As a pastor’s wife, I appreciate how you handled this. It is because our ministry is so vital and visible that I feel my husband and I need to agree on such important issues.
If he follows the advice “Don’t put your wife in the situation in which she must choose between loyalty to you and fidelity to what she believes,” his marriage and ministry will be stronger.
When asked, surely your wife as any good Christian should, would tell the lady to search the scriptures for herself - because until she does so and understands what God is saying to her, she will never be content.
This is scary …. this “holding the party line”, this commitment to a cultural norm …. we must struggle to learn what God is actually saying, and to listen to each other in love, and allow each other to grow - not ‘dumbing down’ every argument with the “this is what you must believe” line.
There is a core of Christian beliefs which divide Christian from non-Christian - this is not one of them!
Great response to a timely question. Another one that may need to be addressed in the near future is “I’m single; can I pastor?”
@Bryan Green, Are there people who would say no? Because seriously, if the “marital status” section of your philosophy of pastoral ministry excludes both Paul and Jesus, you need to rethink a few things, is all I’m sayin’.
1 Timothy 3:11 requires qualified wives to qualify their husbands for the office of elder or deacon (see http://www.taiwanchurch.org/linton/expa.html)
If the wife is in error in her interpretation of Scripture, yet is able to submit to her husband in action, if she will refrain from teach the women (Titus 2) contrary to her husband’s teaching, then that example of submission qualifies her husband to office.
If she is not submissive to her husband, then according to 1 Timothy 3, her being unsubmissive calls to question her husband’s qualification for office.
This one I think depends on the exact details and attitudes of the case and therefore can only be handled on a case-by-case basis rather than a definite rule.
I appreciate the sensitivity you have brought to this issue and the counsel you have given. Having been in pastoral ministry for many years I have found that the pressures and challenges are such that couples in ministry need to be in agreement philosophically concerning their roles. The counselling demands placed upon such a couple are very high and they need to be in sync. Although my wife and I have a complimentarian approach to our marriage we seek to be in agreement before making major decisions whether in the home or in ministry. I believe this has been a major key. My wife is submissive but she also has a brain, much life experience, a wonderful walk with the Lord and I would be foolish to discount or dismiss the value of her wisdom.