Alice,

Yours is one of the few responses with which I agree. I would ask the others of you including Dr. Moore to do as Jesus said, and not judge us.

Leave that up to God please.

[...]Moore to the Point – Should I Divorce If I’m Miserable?[...]…

Infidelity as a permision for divorce…not a command. Have you been in the position of the offended? I have been married over 25 years with grown children. I was in full time ministry until just after another affair. I didn’t care about anything, anymore, except my children…and that took all my effort. I wanted to die. I was in agreement with Ruth Graham re: murder for a few brief instances until I realized I would go to jail for her! No chance. We have lived in a “tolerating” mode for 20 years because God hates divorce. I know the theology, the Scriptures. I have said ALL these things to people I have counseled. It’s a whole new dynamic when you are on the other side of the desk. I went from being “in love” early on to desiring/loving/wanting…to struggling to “forgive & forget” (not hold it to her account or use it against her during an argument)…to doubt, fear of further betrayal, distrust, suspicion, more hurt from more infidelity…to accepting the reality that she did-not-want-me! She actually confirmed that after the second affair 5 years ago when she told me she had “had enough”.

At that point, I began throwing up the walls of defense to protect myself. I got tired of trying to be Hosea! I was tired of being betrayed, rejected, neglected, ignored. At that time, I decided that after my children were old enough to provide for themselves, I was done.

SO….what’s your advice here?

I’m jumping into the fray as I struggle with divorce.

I have divorced my husband who used to be a very popular minister, who is currently serving a 17 year sentence for abuse of a girl in our church, as well as molestation of our daughter. This guy was charismatic, all loved him. There are blog posts innumerable that discuss his case, which made the media in 7 different states.

I don’t even know what to ask. Is there anything out there that would be helpful to read?

My four kids and I are doing well, putting our lives back together under the sheltering protection of our church. And I realize I am only standing by the grace of my God.

The fact is - if you want out…you’ll find a “reason.” The facts are - IF they are unrepentant - in most cases - they will leave…in the earlier part of chapter 7 - you can separate…for a time…but just to leave…to what end? For what purpose? It is statistical - 55-60% of ALL marriages end in divorce, (Christian) or other wise. I see where one is “abused” (a favorite term now-a-days), from the wedding night on” I find it difficult to believe that Houdini showed up - BAM- on the wedding night after successfully hiding it all the way up that point. I don’t mean to wax sarcastic but really. So, then what….well, second marriages - statistically 75% end in divorce. THIRD??? 80+%!! WHY would anyone, in their right mind….ah..now there is the crux….”in their right mind….” John 15 - Apart from ME you can do N-O-T-H-I-N-G…” OUR ENEMY -=-THE DEVIL…not our spouse…not our in laws- seeks to kill, steal, and destroy….he is not after YOU…he is after YOUR FAMILY…it represents what the kingdom is all about….read Chapter 7….”or your CHILDREN will be defiled….” It is the WHOLE unit…THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU/US/HER/HIM as individuals…we are a body OF CHILDREN….dear Lord help us to wake up and FIGHT BACK without being so SELFish

“duhhhr God will make you happy forever after you die, so be miserable in this lifetime. Yay!”

Yes, that’s basically the gist of it. Moore just has a more spiritual way of putting it.

Relate to your situation. Praying for you. Other than saying it was not a marriage, what else did your pastor recommend? Do you have a support system of women to pray with you? God loves you. I have found comfort in that knowledge.

I agree with Rob. Although I do believe God can speak to us supernaturally, these are isolated cases. God speaks to us through the Scriptures and through his Son (Heb. 1:1-2). We all need to be extremely careful with what we “hear” because the enemy will disguise himself as an angel of light (2 Cor. 11:14).

@Beverly Martin,
Suffering is going to come often in this life. While God gives joy even in the midst of it, it is not an earthly happiness. Happiness in this life is a pursuit that will leave us crushed and unfulfilled. Joy comes through obedience to his Word that He has given us for our edification, and it will come as we follow it. One of the gifts of the Spirit is long-suffering, and the implication to that is we will suffer long (obviously!). Follow his Word and joy will come whatever the outcome is, because it’s found only in the Creator of all things and not in anything this life can offer. He is faithful!!!!!!

I’m so sorry for the situation you are dealing with. Coming out of another pastors home, I would think that your mother deserved to know about your father’s infidelity so she can make that choice as to whether to continue to “suffer” for herself. Especially as sexual infidelity is one of the only reasons the Bible gives for the other spouse being freed to go, as the former spouse is breaking their covenant. My mother struggled with an affair of the heart for several years. However, she brought it before my father, was daily repentant (she saw this guy at work and eventually had to leave), and she and Dad worked through it. It was tough; it really sucked. But now, their marriage is stronger. Mom exposed her weakness because she respected him, Dad covered it because he loved her, and they are stronger now for it. That is true repentance, and that allowed the marriage of over 30 years to overcome its trial.

There can be a desire not to get caught when infidelity is involved - when this is considered, the person who will not confess to their spouse isn’t really repentant. In the case of your dad, if he would confess and give your mother the dignity and respect of trying to work through it with him, it may become a healthier marriage. How can he lead his flock otherwise? Same thing for your wife. She needs to seek help - and you need to take a good look at yourself and ask yourself if you are doing anything which enables her. I daresay this will help both of you to move past this trying period in your life.

Incidentally, my father and another minister presided over my own marriage ceremony. We went to live with and get involved in the other minister’s church. Within six months, the minister told my husband to leave me because we disagreed on certain church doctrines (minor ones at that - I was “standing in the way of God’s plan for his life”). How ridiculous is that???? But we worked through the trying periods in our marriage to overcome them together, and are now stronger for it. (By the way, we both consider this minister now to be one of the most ungodly people we’ve ever met.) My husband is my bestie and I would never want to leave him. Temporary suffering for long-term happiness, realized in this lifetime as both spouses went before God and examined their hearts, standing by one another in hard times. I hope this helps or encourages in some small way. I will be thinking of you in prayer.

@Zack Skrip,
I’m not getting your riff with your opening statement. We all turn a blind eye to sin at some point. And yes… we should call it what it is… sin. You and everyone else in this blog has taken God’s grace for granted at some point or another… as Christians. ALL SIN IS WILLFUL. Nobody sins against their will. That is why we can’t cease to sin in this life. You also have a weak view of sin and your condition.
You think everyone simply wants to go through divorce as if they haven’t weighed out the consequence of it.

As for your Dad, there are so many background issues I don’t know where to start with my comments. First and foremost, a Christian minister who is guilty of infidelity should be deposed. Second, if her church was a solidly Biblical church, the elders should have helped your mother deal with her husband. If unrepentant, they should have advised her to divorce him.

I have personally known women who have taken their husbands to their pastors, (Godly and Bible believing men), and laid out their “misery” but also THEIR DESIRE to stand by what God ordained as marriage. I have seen on more than one instance where these men crumbled seeing the END is really a possibility. One man actually surrendered to the ministry later.

THERE IS HOPE sister. You can’t control your mate but you can stand. Gather close to your “Abba” Father. Shoulder with your Godly counsel. Find your sister in Christ Jesus who will weep with you but STAND with you and not let you bath in pity. You are NOT alone

I remember a couple, years ago, with whom I was talking about marriage. She said, “He has to accept me as I am. I am not going to change for him.” I said, “If you both are not willing to change, your marriage will be on the rocks in less than a year. You both must be willing to change and sacrifice for each other.” They refused to do what I said and they were divorced in a year.

“Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for it …” In other words, husbands need to be willing to give up EVERYTHING for their wives. It is the selfishness in a marriage that destroys it. This ‘married but miserable’ person does not understand what God wants him to do. Like I said earlier, BOTH of them should be on their faces before God, begging Him to help each of them change and fall in love again. If they pursue this for a year, they will see miracles. But, they BOTH must be willing to change!

I’m not the one who said God told her to leave her husband. I don’t believe that God ever tells us to go against His Word. I think you were referring to the reply above mine.

Barbara

i’m in the same situation as you for 16yrs, but the glory of God and my faithfullness to Him is far more important, i’d rather be miserable honoring Him, than happy dishonoring Him.

Love isn’t about feeling biblically speaking, it’s a choice, it’s action that we do. i promise to love her when i married her, and i will no matter what. we were Christ ennemies, and we crucified Him, yet He gave His life for us, loving us to the end <

You say God told you to leave your husband. How did God tell you that? What Bible verses did God use to tell you that is was ok to leave your husband?

Sin is sin, true. But that doesn’t mean that if all of it is sin, then none of it is sin. Which you aren’t explicitly saying, but you are hinting at it through implication.

If I turn a blind eye towards gossip, then I should also turn a blind eye towards divorce? Can we agree that Jesus said they are both sin? Shouldn’t I strive to call them both wrong? Does my failure (sin) to call one out NECESSITATE my refusal to call the other sin? That doesn’t make sense biblically or logically.

Yes, divorce and all sin can be forgiven. But to rush into a sin, relying on God’s grace after the fact, is a scary sort of rebellion. God may not grant you a repentant heart for that.

ZS

“If a husband, separated from his wife, approaches another woman, he is an adulterer because he makes that woman commit adultery, and the woman who lives with him is an adulteress, because she has drawn another’s husband to herself.”
-CCC 2384 [http://www.scborromeo.org/ccc/para/2384.htm]