Dear Dr. Moore,

I am a young single Christian woman. I made a commitment at a very young age to remain sexually chaste, and I’ve done so. I have dated other boys, but always just in groups in a very casual setting. Now, however, I am seeing a young Christian man who seems great in every way. We have dated for about a month, and I really like him. He treats my family (my father is deceased but my mother and sisters live near me) great, and all my friends like him.

Here’s my question. I am wondering what his sexual past looks like, in order to know what I’m getting into. Has he been with other women, sexually? If so, how many and in what way? Has he ever had a problem with pornography? With every week that goes by, I’m more and more in love with him, and I’m afraid to keep getting my hopes up only to have them dashed when we’re right at the point of marriage.

I’m not saying that any particular information would necessarily kill the relationship, but I’d sure like to know something about this to know what I’m getting myself into. It sure seems awkward, though, to say, “So tell me about your sex life?” Would that be forcing too much intimacy too soon? Is it right for a woman to be so forward with a man who’s not her husband? Do I ever need to know this?

My question: should I ask him about his past? If so, how should I ask it, and at what point in the relationship?

True Love Waiting

Dear True,

First of all, I agree with you that this is something important for you to know, should this man become your husband. His body and his sexuality, the Bible says, will belong to you (1 Cor. 7:4). Moreover, the sexual union is not, whatever our broken culture might try to think, simply a neurological or even emotional response. The sexual union, mysteriously, forms a personal union (1 Cor. 6:16). Your husband’s “past” will, in a very real sense, become part of your story too.

Having said that, though, this question can be very dangerous for you, at this point. As you seem to recognize, dating is about discerning whether someone would be a good prospect for marriage. I’ve seen several budding relationships wrecked by a “DTR” (”define the relationship” talk) about such matters that formed, prematurely, an inappropriate emotional intimacy.

I do not think, at this time, you need to delve into the details (or lack thereof) of his past. What’s important for you to know is how he views sexual immorality. A man who will brush off past fornication as “no big deal” from which he’s “moved on” is a man with a conscience trained to do the same thing with future adultery.

I would recommend asking this man what his convictions are about protecting himself, and his future marriage, from sexual immorality. You might ask him how he would counsel his son to flee pornography or other forms of immorality. I think you’ll be able to gauge a lot from the wisdom and gravity (or lack thereof) he displays.

As the discernment process continues, though, your need to know further will expand. By that time, you will know more about the character and trajectory of this man.

There’s a really critical peril here though.

On the one hand, a man who glibly dismisses his past immorality is dangerous, for your future marriage and your future children.

On the other hand, your dismissing him automatically on the basis of immorality is also dangerous. If he is repentant, seeing his past sin as hell-deserving but crucified, then you should receive him (all else being equal), just as you have been received.

You are not “owed” a virgin because you are. Your sexual purity wasn’t part of a quid pro quo in which God would guarantee you a sexually unbroken man. Your sexual purity is your obligation as a creature of God. And you have rebelled at other points, and been forgiven. If you believe the gospel, you believe the gospel for everyone, and not just for yourself.

If your future husband is repentant, and forgiven, and yet you are “tortured” by the thoughts of his past, then the issue for you is one of personal pride and a refusal to see oneself as a gospel-forgiven sinner.

The issue for you with your future husband is discerning whether there are ongoing patterns, whether he agrees with God about the severity of this sin, and whether he has been cleansed from it by Golgotha Hill blood and Garden Tomb power.

Jesus was a virgin. His Bride wasn’t. He loved us anyway.

Do you have an ethical question? Send it to me at questions@russellmoore.com. I’ll keep it anonymous and change all the identifying details.

This sermon, “You Are Not Your Worldview: Finding the Freedom to Let the Faith Defend Itself” (2 Corinthians 4:1-6), was originally preached at Alumni Chapel at The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary on Thursday, March 4, 2010.

Great Commission Humility, Great Commission Power (Acts 18:24-28) from Russell Moore on Vimeo.

This sermon, “Great Commission Humility, Great Commission Power” (Acts 18:24-28), was originally preached on Sunday, February 28, 2010 at Highview Baptist Church in Louisville, Kentucky. You can find more sermons and other audio from Dr. Moore at our media page.

Philippi Prison Blues: Finding Freedom in Gospel and Mission (Acts 16:25-34) from Russell Moore on Vimeo.

This sermon, “Philippi Prison Blues: Finding Freedom in Gospel and Mission” (Acts 16:25-34), was originally preached on Sunday, February 14, 2010 at Highview Baptist Church in Louisville, Kentucky. You can find more sermons and other audio from Dr. Moore at our media page.

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This sermon, “Worse Than an Atheist: Work, Family, and Male Headship” (1 Tim 5:8), was originally preached on Sunday, January 24, 2010 at Highview Baptist Church in Louisville, Kentucky. You can find more sermons and other audio from Dr. Moore at our media page.

Crucify Your Charity: Generosity and the Triumph of Christ (2 Cor 9:1-15) from Russell Moore on Vimeo.

This sermon, “Crucify Your Charity: Generosity and the Triumph of Christ” (2 Cor 9:1-15), was originally preached on Sunday, January 31, 2010 at Highview Baptist Church in Louisville, Kentucky. You can find more sermons and other audio from Dr. Moore at our media page.

This sermon, “You Are Not Your Gift: Finding the Freedom to Fail in Ministry” (1 Kings 1), was originally preached at Alumni Chapel at The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary on Thursday, February 4, 2010.

I want to get a tattoo. I’d like it on my stomach, with a cross, with the words, “Flee Immorality: You Were Bought with a Price.” I’d like this as a measure of accountability for myself as the years go by, in case the zeal I have for the gospel ever wanes and I’m ever in a place of temptation this will be an ever-present reminder of what I know to be true.

I am really convicted that this is what the Lord would have me to do. Here’s my problem.

I am 19 years old and a college student. I live at home with my parents. I work and pay for my own school, but I live with them. I love my parents and truly believe I honor them, but where does “honor your father and mother” end? I really believe this is an issue of obedience in doing what the Lord seems to be directing me to do.

You probably agree with my parents that I shouldn’t get the tattoo and I can respect that. I’ve thought it all through. My question isn’t whether I should get the tattoo; it’s whether I’d be sinning against God and my parents if I did it.

If I am under their authority right now, when does that end? When I’m 21? When I’m out of the house? Or does it ever end, when it comes to making decisions like this?

Sincerely,

Bought with a Price

Dear Bought,

First of all, I hope my sons grow up to be like you, in all sorts of ways seen in this question. Your letter evidences a lot of commendable qualities: a desire to identify yourself radically with Christ, the recognition that you must protect yourself from your own potential future rebellion, concern for honoring your father and mother.

The command to honor father and mother never ends. It is part of the holy will of God, and is applicable to every person, regardless of age. When you’re ninety, you’ll still have an obligation to honor your parents, even if only in memory and in speech. The way one honors one’s parents changes, though, throughout the span of life. Jesus lived this life before you. His honoring of his father Joseph and his blessed mother Mary was of obedience in all things in childhood (Lk. 2:51), of listening to pleas for help in adulthood (Jn. 2:1-5), and of caring for weakness at the end of life (Jn. 19:26-27). All of this was an honoring of father and mother.

What you’re asking is less about Exodus 20 than about Ephesians 6. When does your obedience to parents end or, better put, when are you responsible for making your own decisions?

It isn’t at eighteen. The Bible never puts eighteen or twenty-one as some arbitrary mark between childhood and maturity. Instead, in Scripture, maturity is less a chronological or biological matter than an economic one. When are you able to establish a household, a household for which you are responsible? The creation pattern is that a man is equipped to provide for his household (Gen. 2:15). He then “leaves father and mother” as he cleaves to his wife and forms (within the larger tribe) a new household (Gen. 2:24).

Between childhood and maturity, your parents are working to prepare you for this responsibility, handing over more and more of it to you as you prepare to give yourself over for the provision and protection of a wife and family (Eph. 5) or for the sake of the mission (1 Cor. 7).

In Scripture, submission of any kind has limits. If your parents demanded you to sin against God, you couldn’t do it. But that’s not what they’ve done.

It seems to me, though, that this is less about obedience than about listening to wisdom. And I think your parents are right.

I’m not making an anti-tattoo statement here. Whether tattoos are permissible for followers of Jesus is debatable, but really extraneous to this discussion. Your parents understand, I’m sure, your zeal. They’re also though able to imagine a fuller arc of life than you can right now. They know there are a lot of things one can decide at eighteen that one would see differently at a later time.

A tattoo is (apart from expensive, extensive work) a permanent decision, a permanent decision made by a very young man that his older self, his wife, his children, and everyone in his life will, in some way, have to live with.

It may be that getting this tattoo is precisely what you ought to do. If so, then work toward being on your own, cultivating the maturity and the wisdom to hear outside counsel and to think this through with the mind of Christ. In the meantime, though, be a sign of the gospel by submitting to your parents even in something in which you think they’re short-sighted. Submission, after all, isn’t to things one readily sees as good ideas; that’s called “agreement.” Submission is often in matters in which one thinks one knows better. God will bless that.

One more thing: a tattoo won’t stop you from wrecking your life, no matter what it says. The rebellious heart gets what it wants, and will do what it takes to get there. An immoral man can easily scoff at the tattoo, or even blaspheme as a result of it in the throes of his rebellion. Instead of working to embed the gospel on your skin, embed it on your conscience. Cultivate repentance, confession, and seeking the life of Christ. The answer for you isn’t your own skin ink but Someone Else’s nail scars.

Your Christ-Haunted Credit Card Statement: Why Your Finances Test Your Readiness for the Kingdom (Deut 8:1-20) from Russell Moore on Vimeo.

This sermon, “Your Christ-Haunted Credit Card Statement: Why Your Finances Test Your Readiness for the Kingdom” (Deut 8:1-20), was originally preached on Sunday, January 10, 2010 at Highview Baptist Church in Louisville, Kentucky. You can find more sermons and other audio from Dr. Moore at our media page.

One Gospel, Unabortable (1 John 3:10-24) from Russell Moore on Vimeo.

This sermon, “One Gospel, Unabortable” (1 John 3:10-24), was originally preached on Sunday, January 17, 2010 at Highview Baptist Church in Louisville, Kentucky. You can find more sermons and other audio from Dr. Moore at our media page.