How Hellish Is “Time Out”?
— Monday, December 15th, 2008 —
Some commenters on the last post have raised the issue of “time out” as a tool for discipline, especially in light of my statement that extended periods of “time out” don’t communicate well the discipline of God over his children.
Some asked, “What about the exile?” Others noted, “Since godly parenting demonstrates belief in hell, why shouldn’t we employ a means that captures the isolation of hell?” Good points all.
First, the key issue in my argument isn’t with “time out” if by “time out” one means a short period of isolation in order to prompt the child to calm down or to reflect on the gravity of the situation. The key issue is extended periods of “time out” in which the regular discipline of the home is to remove the child from the life of the family.
There are homes in which “time out” is a means of social control in the household. Rather than disciplining and restoring, children are routinely sent into isolation for long periods of time.
Second, discipline isn’t punishment. God doesn’t punish his children. He disciplines them. This is the argument of Hebrews 12. Discipline pictures hell only in one way, that actions have consequences. This is why Jesus calls us to the self-discipline of the gouged-out eye or the cut-off hand rather than face the justice of God in hell (Matt 18:7-9).
Discipline isn’t condemnation though. There is no condemnation for those who’ve been adopted into the household of Jesus (Rom 8:1). The quickness of discipline is itself a sign of acceptance. Those who are perishing aren’t disciplined at all. They are given over to themselves, and their judgment comes upon them in the end (see, for example, the pattern of Esau, also referenced in Heb 12).
God’s discipline though is swift and purpose-driven. He seeks not to isolate but to drive the erring sheep back into the sheep-fold, to welcome the repentant son back to the table.
If “time out” in your house is a tool to prompt thinking, while the child waits for swift discipline and restoration, then have at it. If “time out” is a means of punishing the child by removing him from the fellowship of his family, then you’re removing him from the very means of discipleship he (and we) so desperately needs.
Moore is spot on. I would echo the critique of the extended time out by adding that it actually removes the child from the presence of the parents exactly when it is most needed. Godly Discipline is a gracious act and as such, it should emulate the gracious and tender mannor in which the Father shepherds his children.
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Amen! Well said Dr. Moore
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Excellent post Dr. Moore!
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“Discipline is not punishment.” That helps a lot.
Thanks for the follow-up post. It helps a lot.
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Dr. Moore, you are always reasonable, logical, and practical. Keep standing for biblical truth in an age unreasonable, illogical, and impractical ideas that parade in the name of “tolerance.”
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Thanks for a great post–even for babysitters! I tend to resort to “time out” too quickly just for peace and quiet. This reminds me that the use of discipline is as much a part of my relationship and spiritual influence with these precious girls as our “big girl” outings, praying together, and sharing encouragement from the Bible.
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The children in my household think time out is hilarious. My goal as a Dad is for my children to receive swift, firm, loving discipline, accompanied by clear explanation and complete forgiveness…..it usually comes in the form of a spanking. And it ain’t funny.
Great point as always Russ. No doubt that a child’s understanding of the Heavenly Father is largely shaped by the experiences they have with his earthly father. No pressure.
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Lizette, Alright stop, collaborate, and listen. Do you do gospel puppet shows for the girls you babysit like you used to do in the famous systematic theology 8 am class of 2001? I promise I’m going to have a reunion of that class, maybe for the 2009 SBC?
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nice, well-thought-out post,
i think you have to be flexible with discipline. i’m not sure what “extended” time-out is, but some children may need it, while others may need spanking, while ALL children need loving explanations of expectations and reasons for punishment. and punishment vs. discipline sounds like a classic semantic issue, but i get your point.
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I think a reunion would be a GREAT idea. You do realize that all you have to do is print off a roster and put Debbie in charge and it will happen!
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[Insert fist bump here]
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Jeremy, If you ever graduate with a more terminal degree, I will head-bump you, WWF-style. I promise.
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Mike,
There is a strain of thought that extends timeout for a half hour to hours.
I think the big issue is not what certain children need (although I can see the point in terms of time outs to consider the situation), but the atmosphere of the household. Is the prevailing attitude one of graciousness, in which sin cuts one off from fellowship and discipline restores it? Or is the prevailing attitude one of merit in which if you are good you can continue to commune with the rest of the family? In that sense, I think it is clear where discipline and punishment fit in the respective schemes. I think the difference will affect the way the child thinks about how abundant the grace of God is.
my 2 cents,
Isaac
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Dr. Moore -
Head bump “WWF-style”?
Didn’t the WWF become the WWE a long time ago — like back when your boy Vanilla Ice melted out of style?
Or were you actually referring to the World Wildlife Fund (http://www.wwf.org/)? (In which case, is a WWF head-bump like what rams do?)
All joking aside - Have a Merry Christmas!!!
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On 12/16 Mike comments that some children need spanking while others do not, there was a time I would have really agreed with this, but I no longer do. I have three sons, 2 grown and one almost. I have two wild boys who were disciplined much with a wooden spoon and a not so wild boy that wasn’t. The wild boys love the Lord, appreciate discipline in their lives, are thankful they receive(d) it and are most likely to sincerely apologize when in wrong. My not so wild boy, who did not need spankings because he was so pitiful when punished is far from God, resents any punishments he received, and never apologizes. I realize my experience isn’t scientific, but I wish all those time outs my not so wild boy got had been spankings just like his brothers. And besides from being sent to prison, how much are time outs like the real world that we are raising our children to be in and not of? I feel that timeouts might not be hell, but might be the beginning of the road to it.
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All I can say is wow.I never realized what time out meant. Extended time out, I now see does more harm than good.
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I have attended parenting classes conducted by a Christian child psychologist who recommends time-out. He teaches “reality discipline.”
“Reality discipline” has the consequences for a child resemble the consequences they might expect in real life one day and holding the child accountable for their behavior. For example, with time-out, I find it to resemble what will happen to a child if in the outside world they act disrespectfully, lie etc… In the real world people do not want to be around those kind of people and they distance themselves. So, time-out shows the child that they will have to spend time alone and not be invited to be involved when their actions/behavior are not tolerable. Is it wrong to teach that lesson?
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Thank you, that was so beautifully said. I could never understand the concept of time out and therefore did not use it. I read the Bible, believed it and followed it. My oldest child is now leading worship in our church for the last 6 years, the next child teaches Junior Church and a week night Bible group for non-churched children as well as working in our sound room on alternate Sunday mornings and our last child helps with Children’s Church and the weekly children’s Bible classes. Most importantly, they all love Jesus and witness about His goodness in their lives.
I do not take the credit, Jesus gets it all! His ways are higher than my ways.
Praise Him,
Faith
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I am a 15 year old Teenager and love kids, I usually take care of my 6 little sisters while my mom just sits and watches. My dad works during the day so while I’m at school I feel bad because I feel like more of a mother to them than a sister so I always try to get home faster by getting a ride right after school and not riding the bus. I love them so much that I miss them during the day, ME and all of them never fight, But they do. So I try my hardest to tell them to love one another as God has loved them. My father is a pastor and so we were all raised under good morals. I try to tell my mom not to put them in time out because she does it in a kind of way to GET AWAY from them, which is not LOVE. She says she’s trying to help them for love but in reality it’s not… See, I want the best for my sisters, just as any caring loving sister would. When a situation comes up such as hitting I sit them down and talk to them. For example Lilly and Anna (4 year old twins) Started hitting eachother and when they hit it’s rough, so they both started crying. I calmed them down and said “Why would you hit eachother if you guys are sisters? You don’t hit me do you? Does Jesus hit others? Does he want to hit others?” They immeadiatly understood, and said sorry and hugged eachother, I was so proud… Time out is not needed, kids understand, they’re like sponges.
I just thought I should share, have a wonderful evening everyone and I hope you enjoyed this!
God Bless.
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