Should I Tell My Child He Was Conceived in Rape?
— Wednesday, March 24th, 2010 —
Below is our latest “Question and Ethics” case study question. You remember the way it works. Let me know how you’d answer the question, and post it in the comments. I’ll weigh in with my thoughts later.
Dear Dr. Moore,
My wife has been hurt horribly by a secret no one knows but her parents and me.
Years ago, when she was shortly out of high school, she was brutally raped by a man she had known since childhood. For various reasons, she didn’t report it at the time (I know that was a mistake, and she does too). The man later raped again and, ultimately, committed suicide. After her rapist’s death, it started to be known in our small hometown that he had done this before, many times, including the molestation of minor children. That’s in the past, but we’ve got a real ethical dilemma in our present and in our future.
This rape resulted in a pregnancy. During this time, she and I started dating and we were both convinced (and still are) that abortion is wrong, so she carried her baby to term. We married, and have raised this child together. He is nine years-old. He’s gentle, loving, and a delight to me. I couldn’t love him any more if I were biologically his dad. He recently professed faith in Jesus and was baptized.
Here’s my problem. He doesn’t know. I know from reading Adopted for Life that you think children should know about their adoption from the very beginning. Whether you’re right or wrong, that’s just not what we did. He only knows me as his Dad. Maybe even more important, we just don’t know how to tell him he was conceived in rape.
I don’t think a nine year-old could understand that. I’m not sure he’ll ever be able to understand that, without it shaping the way he thinks about himself. Might it even lead him to think that he’s genetically “predisposed” to that kind of behavior himself (whether rape or suicide or whatever)?
So here’s my question. Is it my Christian obligation to tell my son about the circumstances of his birth or is it my obligation to protect him from that knowledge? If I do need to tell him, at what age and how?
In Christ,
Agonized Dad
Post your responses to this question below. If you have an ethical dilemma, send it to me at questions@russellmoore.com. I’ll protect your anonymity, may change some details or merge it with other similar questions into a single case study.
Dear Agonized,
Your family’s story is a beautiful picture of the redemption that is ours in Christ. In it, I see both the devastation of sin and the the salvation of the gospel. Our daughter is adopted, too. She was conceived between a teenager from the church I pastored and a college student that she knew only by his first name and never saw again after that night. I believe it will be very beneficial for your son to know his story, because it is now his spiritual story as well. The big picture of Scripture is that all of us are conceived in sin, but that God, in the richness of His unfathomable mercy and love, has seen fit to adopt us as sons. “For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children then heirs - heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him on order that we may also be glorified with him.” (Romans 8:15-17)
Now, let me be quick to add, there is no doubt that the circumstances of your son’s conception are particularly graphic. I, by no means, am advocating that you give him all the awful details of that event at this point. I don’t think he will need, or even want, any specific details until he is much older. At that time, I think it would be a good thing for your wife to truthfully answer any specific questions he may have.
Our daughter, who is 7, by the way, knows that her birthmother was in our church, wasn’t ready to be a mom, and knew we were praying for a baby. Our daughter knows that we have legally adopted her and are her true parents in every way. Although she has not yet come to faith, we speak often of that verse that I shared above, and the beauty of the adoption that can be hers through Jesus Christ.
Every time she calls me “daddy” (which is a pretty good translation of “Abba” in that verse), we are reminded that our Heavenly Father has adopted me and her mom into His family as well - and pray that, by His grace, He will do the same for her as well.
While the story of your son’s conception is particularly horrific, so unfortunately are all of our stories without the grace and mercy of the father and his adoption of us in Christ. When he is ready for more details, his readiness will be apparent to all of you.
I just prayed for your family and your son.
Grace and Peace.
The child will not need to know of the circumstances of his conception until he has the full adult physical, when they ask for medical history in his family. As to other “inherited” attributes, the inherited attribute they should stress is the profound love his mother demonstrated in keeping him, and the great love his dad has shown in marrying his mom and treating the son as his very own.
Any discussion of the circumstances should start with the emphasis on that love. The timing may be related to a school-based sex ed class, with the parents teaching sex ed at home first, showing how sacred sex is supposed to be, and how sex outside of marriage has consequences, and how the grace of God is shown in the midst of that sin.
First of all, this is a heartbreaking story but I am encouraged that this man would continue to strive with his wife and bear the burdens with her and their son. There is great hope in the fact that this young boy has two loving parents who obviously live their faith even through the difficulties of life and that he has received Christ.
If I were counseling this couple, I would always tend toward telling the truth and being open. There is danger that the child will learn about his origins by other means, especially in a small hometown. As a parent, I would want to be able to properly frame this message instead of the truth being discovered with no one available to temper it with love and wisdom.
The father is right in that we often define ourselves by our heritage, but this is part of the message that the young man must hear along with the truth. All men are predisposed to sin due to the fall, but in our second birth, we are not born by the will of a man, but by the will of God. We are no longer from perishable seed, but imperishable.
Though the boy was conceived in a violent act, that act was followed by great acts of faith. The boy’s mother chose life over abortion, the father came along side a women that carried a child that was not his own, and both parents raised the boy in the watch care of the church and in a family of faith.
As to the age at which you should tell him, this would depend on the child, but if he were my son, I would probably wait until he was 13 to 15 years old, but that is merely an instinctive reaction. I can say that after telling the child, it will not be the last of the difficulties. Much like losing a parent to death, the young man will probably revisit the issue at every stage of his development as he moves through life.
May God bless, strengthen, and sustain this family…
It sounds like a really complicated issue.
I do believe that much of human sin is justified by creating a alternate reality where we do not have to face the hard truths that we should probably face. Once we have a imaginary reality, it becomes very easy to justify what we want to justify and ignore what we want to ignore.
As a parent, I want to encourage my kids to live in the real reality as much as I can, and expose the reality they created as an alternative as sinful. When we discard or downgrade the real reality, we also discard or downgrade faith - That God is working all things for good. That he disciplines those he loves, etc. He is doing those things in the real world, but when we observe such things through the perspective of our homemade reality, they do not seem nearly as real, and they do not seem nearly as miraculous. God is rounding off sharp edges that we have been pretending where smooth all along.
The real truth is that this family is a beautiful picture of God’s redemption and love. What man intended for Evil, God intended for Good. When this story is woven into the real history, it is Godly, but if this story is woven into boy’s self created history, it can be very Devilish…
So, there is a paradox - By sheltering the boy from this truth, we could be creating and nurturing the very environment that It is dangerous in, while diminishing the environment that it would be redemptive in.
As such, I think the truth should be revealed. Certainly, this is a truth that needs to be revealed carefully — I believe it needs to be revealed in a time and an context where this boy is going to plant it in the real reality, and see it for the miracle that it is. This will doubtlessly spill over into the self made reality - but if the child sees and appreciates the truth. And they see God’s redemptive love for them They will have less need to spend time hiding in and building their imaginary world.
I suspect that earlier is healthier than later, as kids in their teen years don’t see things as clearly as they should — But I am no expert on human development, so I could be quite wrong.
Here is a different viewpoint. Why tell their child (now or in the future)? Why is it necessary to divulge every bit of information in life? Who said that complete openness about all details of our past is necessary or even biblical? This need to tell the truth and be open about all things in all ways smacks of psychology, not scriptural wisdom.
Yes, we are approaching the time when even our genetic code will one day probably be public knowledge. But we’re not there yet. If the likelihood is that the boy will never find out, let it be. There was a time when people bore their sorrow and “disgraces” with dignity and constraint. The parents and grandparents should bear this on their shoulders, in their heart. No need to ask their child to bear it. In a different set of circumstances, Mary (Jesus’ mother) did the very same. She kept it in her heart and pondered it and trusted God to work out the details of her Son’s true parentage.
Likely, it will never come up or need to be divulged. If some unforseen circumstance happens and demands that the biological father be revealed to the son, then God will give the wisdom and grace for what’s needed at that time.
This situation can be summed up with Joseph’s words: the rapist meant it for evil, but God meant it for good. Rejoice in what God has done, rest in it, walk peacefully in His awesome redemptive power. Bear this on your own shoulders. Ponder it all in your heart. God is so very good, isn’t He?
If God knitted him together in his mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13) and His will was that he was conceived under those circumstances then why hide it?
God has a reason for everything. Not telling him will not only be a lie, but also will interfere with God’s plan, which we don’t know what it is, but aren’t we called to trust Him will all of our hearts and not to lean on our own understanding? (Proverbs 3:5)
The when and the how will come to you through prayer.
Many blessings for you and your family!
A serious issue that needs to be covered in prayer regarding how much and when details are shared. Perhaps right now you could purposefully lay a strong foundation of Biblical truth by memorizing/discussing together verses regarding the loving and sovereign hand of our great God. Include lots of scripture that shows how fearfully and wonderfully made your child is and how God knew him before he was in the womb. Memorizing scripture is increasing the Holy Spirit’s vocabulary in your child’s heart and ultimately, He is the One Who will make the crooked places straight. Prepare your child’s heart to take comfort in the Word of God which is adequate when we are not. Teach him in the dailies of life now to respond to the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit. and rejoice in the plan God has for Him. We all need this, regardless of our circumstances. Share Biblical and even historical examples of children with unusual childhoods that God used in unique ways. Perhaps God troubled the childhood waters of such as Joseph, Samuel, Esther, Daniel, Naaman’s captured slave girl, and Timothy so that He might use them to accomplish extraordinary things for His glory. I am sure you are already doing this, but I would take care that the ground of your child’s soul is especially fertile before you take steps to sow a seed that could be potentially viewed as a weed. God bless you as you trust and follow your Good Shepherd.
Thanks so much for sharing the testimony and asking the difficult question in a public forum. May the Lord guide you in deciding this matter. I would encourage you against fear. You need not fear explaining to your child that he was conceived in sin. Psalm 51 reminds us that we all were brought forth in iniquity and in sin our mothers conceived us all (51:5). Exposing the awfulness of sin is something the Bible does often and without blemish. Considering the bloodline of Jesus, Judah and Tamar come to mind.
Even more, the power of the gospel is on display in such a powerful way that you will not want to miss the opportunity both to explain it to your son and proclaim it to the world. As a believer, your son is now so much more than the product of his natural birth. He has been born again from above. He will not act according to his natural birth because he has the seed of God abiding in him. He has been born again to a living hope.
I don’t think you will be able to never tell your son. There are practical reasons this won’t be possible. Doctors will have to know his genetic past to treat his present medical conditions. Also, there appear to be a great many people who know already; so, keeping the matter silent will prove impractical. I don’t think you need to worry about shame or horror. Your situation is under grace and redemption.
I have a dear friend who is a young pastor doing wonderful works for the Lord. He was born in exactly the same way your son was born. He speaks of it freely and has given powerful testimony in favor of life at pro-life events. The world says he should have been aborted. His mother and he think otherwise. A great many people I know think otherwise because they love this man and are thankful his life was spared. I do not think you need to fear speaking the truth to your son. The beauty of the gospel is plain to see in this matter, and such beauty is nothing to hide.
The story of Judah and Tamar is in the Bible for many reasons. And it’s presence suggests that at some point, Perez learned of the circumstances of his conception. The question is one of timing and progression. When did he learn that his mother played the part of the prostitute in an effort to get what was, by law, rightfully hers?
In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul wrote, “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.” Speaking of children, Jesus said, and it’s recorded in all three Gospels, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”
These passages remind us that the minds of children are not like the minds of adults. As parents, we must be very careful not to burden them in ways that will keep them from the Lord. In your case, (as would be in the case of Perez), there are many things that need to be taught and understood by your son before he is able to receive the story of his conception without irreparable damage.
Your first responsibility is to teach Him the ways of the Lord, following the instruction to parents in Deuteronomy 11:18-21,
Just because we know about Judah’s sinful mistreatment of his daughter-in-law doesn’t mean Perez knew the truth about his parents from the start. If he learned about his shameful conception early on, it’s likely that all his other learning was tainted by it. Your son’s conception is part of his story, and if he learns of it from you and your wife, after he has learned about, and received, God’s love and redemption, it has the power to strengthen his commitment to the Lord. But if he learns too early, it could be a great stumbling block on his way to living out his calling.
Receive Jesus’ assurance that He has conquered sin and death and be not afraid. Do not let the enemy use fear to force your hand early.
Agonized Dad,
I praise God for the beautiful picture you have painted of our Heavenly Father by the way that you have loved and cared for your son. You should tell your son of his conception but I do not think now is the time. I don’t think timing is so much about age as it is about Spiritual and emotional maturity. Always be striving to develop a strong theology of the sovereignty of God that is deep rooted in Scripture. Teach your son these truths about God’s sovereignty and providence and his glorious promise in Romans 8:28 to work all things together for the good for those who love him, and by God’s grace, your son has now joined this group through the Spirit of Adoption. Pray for your strength to tell him and his readiness to receive it well. When your son has the emotional strength, deeply rooted theological knowledge, and spiritual maturity - tell him. It will be the hard, but be diligently praying that he will only love Jesus more and treasure his adoption by the Father through Christ all the more because of his story. God, in his amazing graciousness, can use this situation for his glory and your son’s joy.
I will simply quote some scriptures:
Proverbs 12
22 The LORD detests lying lips,
but he delights in men who are truthful.
23 A prudent man keeps his knowledge to himself,
but the heart of fools blurts out folly.
These verses are right next to each other. A man is not required to tell everything he knows.
Does God keep things back from us?
These also are proverbs of Solomon which the men of Hezekiah king of Judah copied:
2 It is the glory of God to conceal a matter,
But the glory of kings is to search out a matter.
I do not believe there is a black and white answer. You have a burden, but to allow this burden to lead you to lay it down will not protect your son. In other words, do not tell him for your sake. I would do as God has done, conceal the matter. Allow your son to do as kings do. . . seek it out. The clues are there: a birth date and wedding date. Your son is now saved and indwelt with the Holy Spirit. Watch how God works in him. God may lead him to seek out his history. If so, tell him the truth. If the young man never puts two and two together then consider God to be blinding his eyes for good. You, like God, have concealed a matter. If God gives him a heart to seek it out, this revelation will result in both his glory and the Lord’s.
I do not think that not telling him will be a lie. However, I do think that telling him about the circumstances of his conception, and the response by you and your wife will be a great witness to the Lord for him, especially since he is a professing Christian. I think that there is an opportunity for this to deepen his faith. I might wait for a bit longer to tell him since he’s only 9. I would want him to understand fully what happened, but he might be mature enough to handle it now, you know your own son more than I do, so I’ll let you determine that.
I would pray for a good long while that God would give him understanding and that his heart would receive it with thanksgiving and praise to the Lord. And then tell him.
I’m so sorry for this dilemma for you, but so very grateful for the glorious path of redemption God has set forth in your family. It’s such a joy to think about the way you’ve loved him.
Let me just start by saying that I think you’ve done well by concealing the matter from him for these years. You are his dad. To say that is not to say all there is to say, but it does say all that’s needed for now. Allowing that relationship to grow, bear fruit, be his reality is good and right. There is time enough…Lord willing…for the rest of the story to be told.
I know this full well in my own life. My children have an amazing relationship with my mom and step-dad. They can’t wait to be with them. Love being at their house…receive such affection from them. They are generous with us…kind…encouraging. Truly a blessing. We allowed them to think of them only in terms of what they know of them today…which is not all there is to know in order to know the fullness of what the Lord has done in all of us.
One day…and we’ve begun hinting now…they will know that the man they love so much molested me as a child. One day, they will know that my mom left her rightful place within our home as she sought distraction from her life. One day, they will know the path God took me through from bitterness, unforgiveness and deep pain. One day. But it doesn’t have to be this day.
We’ve chosen to give them a taste of the end of the story first. We’re not denying problems. Sometimes over the years of their childhood, we have referred very cryptically to there being times in the past when things were hard between all of us…as it will be sometimes with family and friends. More and more…they are now all teens…they’ve heard stories from us of the past. And more and more we release a little of it. We don’t plan on telling the whole story out of the blue…destroying all that they’ve known forever.
For example, my 19 yr old knows that there were some very difficult things that I went through with them…and with others. She knows though not so much about them as about me. How I dealt with the pain of harm, how unforgiveness wrecked my life, how bitterness crept in to destroy…how Christ humbled me in my own sin, how great the grace of my loving God, how freeing the doctrine of grace is from the chains of vengeance. She doesn’t need to know exactly what I’m talking about…yet…to see clearly the message of the cross applied to my life.
But one day, we might feel led to say the words…starkly and plainly. We may tell the story in full. But it doesn’t have to be today…and it doesn’t have to have every touch and sound and feeling in it. There’s time enough to allow the glory of what is to settle in.
When I was a little girl, I was so drawn to the story of Joseph. Frankly, I felt kinship with him…not in his seeming sinlessness!…but with how every time something good happened, bad waited around the corner. But the story had been told to me as a child over and over in VBS and Sunday school. I knew the end of the story. He got free from slavery…free from prison…free to save his family…free to testify about the sovereignty and love and saving hope of God. It changed how I read the other scenes completely. I wasn’t stuck in the horror; I was racing to the redemption! I wasn’t appalled; it all made sense! Egypt had to happen…so did the cupbearer…so did the famine…for God would save His people.
That’s what we’re trying to do for our children…to give them the end of the story with such brilliance, such glory, such complete gospel display…that when they hear the rest of the story, it only shines more brightly. But for now, they don’t have to figure out how to deal with what happened to me at their age and before. But one day…glorious day…the darkness of the past will only further highlight the brightness of today and tomorrow.
There’s time enough…Lord willing.
I don’t have too much to add to this discussion.
But I know a person or two my age where this was the case with their parentage.
It is one of the most difficult, troubling things that they wrestle with. They come from wonderful homes, but this knowledge haunts them.
I don’t think this is something you can put a perfect plan together for.
So I would simply encourage that above all else, you continue to put on love.
And I would have you remember that by the measure you judge others, you will be judged–by your children. They will, in turn, judge themselves by the same standards. Therefore, I encourage you to make your speech constantly compassionate and full of grace.
Gradual and cautious revelation of the facts over a period of years would be the best way to go. Truth of this nature equates to “knowledge that destroys” when dumped on someone all at once. The starting point for this little boy is that his dad is not his biological father. Details of what the other man was like, what he did, and what happened to him can be filled in gradually as the child gets older and asks more questions.
To Kim:
How could you let your children near the man who molested you? I don’t understand this. Can such a predator ever really change?
Julia,
Thanks for asking. I’m thrilled to tell you…Praise God, yes. Yes. I have changed. Yes. Sins which once obsessed me…once almost defined me…once were natural to me, no longer are. Predators can change…be brought from darkness to light…new creations in deed as well as word. Praise God.
But I know you meant him. It is because of me, though, that I have hope for him. If I…wretched, wretched woman that I am…chief of all sinners…can be changed? Oh, what hope I have for him. I need only believe that he is no farther from hope than I was…and that Christ has no less grace to make him so than when He first poured it out to us all.
I understand your concerns…have felt the resonance of them within me. It is one thing to survive something yourself. But so often that survival comes with a deep, hard stone of resolution inside that what happened to you will NEVER happen to those you care for. Just because you know he can change, doesn’t mean he has, wants to…even cares one way or another.
Like my advice above, it’s a slow process. And we’ve sought to do it with wisdom, prudence and joy…with guidance, hope and praise…with tears, caution and belief. What we try hard not to do it with is stupidity. Promise.
Our twin son and daughter, now aged 11, were adopted as infants from central Asia. They were conceived during a gang rape.
My wife and I have never questioned that the existence of the twins points to the glory of a Sovereign, Creator God, whose triumph over evil is absolute. Even the most depraved act can be useful in calling our attention to the cross and we believe our children are evidence.
To date, we have shared every detail of their adoption with them - except the manner of their conception. We believe they have a right to this information; it is our responsibility as their parents to best determine the timing.
Quite recently, our son articulated a desire for baptism and his character and attitudes give significant evidence for saving faith. Our daughter is probably less mature in her thinking, but is able to evidence some response to the gospel.
It is our plan to address the rape some time in the next 1 to 2 years. At which point they should be better equipped to grasp the sexual component and the doctrine of election (to which our Church family subscribes).
It is our hope that with our input they will be able to: 1. Properly position the depraved actions of the unsaved with respect to the Cross. 2. Appreciate that their election at the beginning of time to God’s Kingdom makes the manner of their mortal creation immaterial in the light of eternity.
We will apply our best thoughts, but ultimately will be relying on His wisdom to pick the exact time. In theory, we are confident that this is the right approach. But I’m sure I’ll be sweating bullets!
Stephen
dear agonized i think you should tell him the truth as soon as you think he is old enough to handle it.i myself was adopeted and was never told untill i was 29 and my parents had passed. i never found out who my biological parents were i am now 58. it has had a terrible effect on me to this very day.i became a morphine addict to replace what i lost and even though my parents were very good to me there was always something i could tell was wrong especially w/ my father.i had no real male role model or direction in my life. my father died rather young at 48. tell him the truth. the truth always lets in fresh air.