Should I Marry My Non-Christian Pregnant Girlfriend?
— Tuesday, August 10th, 2010 —
Below is the latest “Questions and Ethics” query. Help me answer this question by telling me your thoughts in the comments. I’ll weigh in later. And remember to send me your real-life ethical dilemma to questions@russellmoore.com.
Dear Dr. Moore,
Man, have I messed up. I’m a Christian, but I walked away from the Lord and got involved with a non-Christian girl. I think I love her. She is sweet and we get along, but she’s not a believer. We got involved in some stuff, sexually, that we shouldn’t have (and I was the one persuading her to do it). Before long, I became convicted about the sexual sin and about being unequally yoked with an unbeliever. I broke off our relationship.
I just heard from her though, and she is pregnant, with my baby. So here’s my question. Do I marry this girl, and become unequally yoked or do I not marry and have my child be born into a family in which his or her parents aren’t married to each other?
I know I’ve really messed up. I’m just trying to figure what to do now, to keep from making it worse.
A Shotgun Sinner
I’ve never seen this answered better than the way J. Budziszewski answered a nearly identical question on Boundless.
@Candice Watters,
“the feelings are just gravy”
really?! I agree that the marriage should be a commitment of the will but should one not pray for emotions in consonance with that promise?
@Jeff Adams,
I think the key here is right framing of our understanding. When it comes to biblical, agape love feelings are indeed gravy. This does not mean that we should not pray for them, desire them, or strive to create them. However that needs to be framed in the understanding that true agape love has nothing to do with feelings.
Just my 2 cents.
The answer to this question is easier to discern if you re-frame it in light of what it means to be yoked. This young man is already yoked to the pregnant woman by their child and they always will be. The question now is “What will that yoked relationship look like?” Being yoked is not in reference to legally binding marriage alone.
The great news is that it is never too late to do the right thing and that there is always grace and restoration in Christ. You can be a good husband and a good father regardless of the young woman’s spiritual condition. It is more difficult when one spouse is not a Christian, but not impossible.
What is a better witness to this girl and the world: your ability to stay true to the letter and “stay holy” or providing loving care and leadership as a father and husband?
That answer from “Boundless” is stunning. May we teach our young men (and women) that ‘protection’ is them protecting the young woman in their lives from their own lust, and guarding their purity.
Powerful answer.
The Budziszewski comments are great. I would just add the importance of the local church in accountability and encouragement.
This may sound harsh, but the young man may not have a choice in the matter. (This is more of a practical response than a spiritual one.) He should rephrase his question to be, “should I ASK her to marry me?” If I was the young lady, my perspective on the situation would be, “Wow. This guy ‘thinks’ he loves me and convinced me to have sex with him only to dump me because I am not more spiritual than he is?! And now he wants to marry me because I am pregnant? How could I ever believe that he actually loves me? Do I really want to be in a marriage like that?” I’m not sure that I would tell HER to marry HIM!
I believe one of the places where the young man faulted was leaving her after he had sex with her. The piece of paper called a marriage certificate is not what yokes you to another. He is already unequally yoked with her. The sweet child is a bi-product of the sin. It is sad that it has taken the child for him to really evaluate what he should do in this situation. He has taught her such a tainted view of Christ’s sacrificial love.
Having said that… I don’t believe he should come to her riding on a white horse as her knight in shining armor. I believe he should come instead on his knees in repentance, begging for her forgiveness. She is, after all, the one he has sinned against. Maybe then, if she can find it in her heart to forgive him, he can ask her if she would do him the honor of marrying him.
Sorry…have to disagree with what is quickly becoming the prevailing opinion on this thread. Yes, the answer from Boundless is stunning….stunning, because it advises fixing one sin (fornication resulting in pregnancy) by committing another one (marrying an unbeliever). The young man is responsible for providing (in a plethora of ways) for the young woman and his offspring. But he is not responsible to marry her. In fact, he commits another heinous sin with long-term fallout if he does.
“heinous sin” Dear Sir, is there any other kind?
I wonder how many of you have been in this persons shoes. I have - sort of. I was the Christian and the mama, not the dada.
Long story short, God is SOVERIGN. God loves to show himself mighty. Miracles still happen everyday. My drug attict, alcoholic, death’s door husband who quite literally shouted from a stage for Satan now stands redeemed, washed in the blood of the lamb, JESUS CHRIST our Lord and Savior. SAVIOR - means we were all saved. Yes, from hell, but from what else? Our selves, our shame, our sin.
You tell that boy who asked the question that he needs to get on his face, something most of you Christians only talk about doing and cry aloud to his Abba Father - and keep calling aloud… YES, repenting of sin, accepting forgiveness and seeking GOD’s wisdom. Pray that the LORD would work in the heart of this woman and that she would be saved through God’s mercy.
Weep with those who weep and stop with all of the Christianese. Like the church in Ephesus that Jesus called to return to their first love - LOVE this man by telling him that there is NO sin too great that it can’t be covered by the blood of Jesus - Once and for all time, not to be heard of again, no matter how much Satan wants to keep whispering it in his ear. It is gone - as far as the east is from the west.
My man is a Saul to a Paul. He is a walking miracle and example of the grace and mercy of our ALMIGHTY God.
Praise the Lord for He is good and His mercy endures forever. Stop asking these other people what they think you should do and do what the Bereans did in Acts 17:11, SEARCH THE SCRIPTURES!!! Jesus is the WORD. Do not be a regarder of men, but obey GOD and Him alone. Pray without ceasing and when you don’t get an answer, keep praying, fast and stay in the SCRIPTURES!!!
If any of you lack wisdom, let him ASK GOD who gives liberally. Notice it didn’t say, ask others. ASK HIM, HE IS WAITING.
I couldn’t agree with Candice more. The biblical correction for this kind of error is to marry (Ex 22:16) . Although the sinful behavior that produced the situation is obviously not God’s will, marriage and responsible, committed parenting are the correct route back into God’s will. Trust God, do the right thing, and leave the results to Him.
There is a third option that no one has discussed. Adoption!
The most redeeming scenario to come out of this difficult situation is for this child to find a family, a mom and a dad, who love God, love one another, and are PREPARED to love him/her.
Any other choice creates more brokenness from an already broken situation. Unless the young women comes to know Christ and this young man has a serious period of repentance and renewal, there is no good solution to this difficult situation.
I would advise this young man to lock himself into a room, repent, and then ask God to reveal the next step. He will be eternally linked to this young women, no matter his ultimate choice.
@Eyvonne,
Why adoption unless the parents are completely unable to parent the child? Why rip the child away from his/her family just because the parents made a mistake? Adoption is good for children who need families, not for children who have families. Being cut off from ones family is incredibly difficult and in the end, the child is the one who pays the highest price.
@Eyvonne,
That’s great, except this man can’t force the woman to give up the child.
I have to agree with Eyvonne…adoption would be the best choice. I read the question with the words of my mother ringing in my ears… “Two wrongs don’t make a right…” I’ve never encouraged anyone to marry just because they have a baby. Far too many of those marriages end in divorce, but I would say the man has a serious responsibility to take care of her and to take care of the baby if they do not choose adoption. Marriage might be an option down the road, but not just because they have a baby.
Another question comes from this–should a pastor perform the wedding? I wouldn’t because she isn’t saved. Can’t wait to see your answer!
@John,
How is it you deem yourself the one to proclaim what the best choice is for that child. Only God Himself can proclaim and influence His perfect will.
I am a single mother and yes, adoption crossed my mind at 19 and though it is a very valiant brave choice to give up your own flesh and blood, it was not for me. My son was meant to be, God gave me a precious gift even in my sin. The responsibility is immense and every day is a new challenge. I think it would be best for us all to stop agreeing or disagreeing with each other about what is best for this situation and simply pray for God’s healing power in this situation. How pompous can we be to say what is right when we ourselves are blasphemous and entirely imperfect. God be with this man, this woman, this baby. You have a beautiful purpose that is for Your glory. In all that goes on You know it and take it and it will all glorify Your Great Name. You are the Great I Am. Use those surrounding this new family, whether they marry or not, that is what they are and always will be. AMEN!!!
Wow. Such a variety of answers. I was agreeing with J. Budwezeiski until I read Dave’s answer. But then Hal helpfully brought Scripture to light on the matter. (I had admittedly forgotten that proviso in the Law.) And, of course, adoption … which seems to be the current crowd-favorite.
All I can say at this point is that Christian wisdom will obviously need to be used. More details would help make the wisest choice more obvious, but since such details are lacking, we can only go by what we know … and so far there are, as I see it, three valid conclusions made by different Christians, all of whom have a measure of discernment, I’m sure.
IF the man could support a wife and child at this time or in the near future, I would recommend marriage based on, as Hal said, Exodus 22:16.
IF the man cannot support a wife and child, though, I would recommend adoption to a Christian couple. This child should have two parents and not pay for the sins of his parents. Whether those two parents are the biological parents or adoptive parents, this child should have two parents.
Only “Shotgun Sinner” can determine which of these courses (which I beleive are biblical courses) is most applicable to him.
Wow. I, too, am stunned, primarily at how many people seem to see some invisible “exception clause” (like the one for divorce) hidden somewhere in this:
“14. Do not be yoked together with UNBELIEVERS. For what do righteousness and WICKEDNESS have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with DARKNESS? 15. What harmony is there between Christ and BELIAL? What does a believer have in common with an UNBELIEVER? 16. What agreement is there between the temple of God and IDOLS? For we are the temple of the living God.” — 2 Corinthians 6:14-15, ESV (my caps emphasis added)
I don’t see any exception clause there, do you? I’ve heard of staying married in the interest of the children, but entering a sinful union doesn’t seem to wash. It’s sinful for her because everything unbelievers do is sin; it’s sinful for him because he’s commanded not to be unequally yoked. I don’t know of any fancy situational ethics that override the prohibition.
Didn’t anyone consider that perhaps this young man’s refusal to continue sinning — including the sin of unequally yoked marriage — might actually serve as a testimony? Yes, his witness to her is tarnished for the immediate future. But in the long run, this young man can and should continue to witness to the young mother.
Even though the whole weight of Scripture screams for this man not to marry her, I’m surprised how many think, “Oh, uh, the baby makes this case different you know.” No, it doesn’t. The child is a blessing from the Lord (as are all children) but the marriage cannot be blessed, nor would and Bible-serving minister officiate such a union.
@Hal: Ex 22:16, I believe, assumes a Jewish man and Jewish woman as the OT law elsewhere is already very clear — as is the New Testament — the God’s people were never to intermarry with unbelievers. The entire Word is replete with examples of the disasters of intermarriage, with God going so far as commanding all returning Israelites to divorce all their foreign wives or else be cut off from Israel!
@Eloquorius, Budziszewski et al are not arguing for an “invisible ‘exception clause’”. Their argument is that by virtue of the sexual union and subsequent pregnancy there is already a “yoke” bonding the two together. It is not a matter that a marriage will “create” a yoke; the yoke already exists.
Some would even argue that “sexual intercourse [even that which does not result in pregnancy] creates a mysterious, unique ‘one flesh’ bond” [see Richard J. Foster, "Sexuality and Singleness," in Readings in Christian Ethics, Vol. 2 (Baker, 1996), page 157]. Sexual intercourse clearly and biblically does create this “one flesh” bond (see 1 Cor 6:16).
Foster quotes Derrick Bailey, “Sexual intercourse is an act of the whole self which affects the whole self; it is a personal encounter between a man and woman in which each does something to the other, for good or for ill, which CAN NEVER BE OBLITERATED. This remains true even when they are ignorant of the radical character of their act” [ibid., 157-58, caps mine].
There may be other reasons to argue against marriage, but arguing that marriage would violate the prohibition against being unequally yoked is not the strongest argument since the yoke already exists.
@Eloquorius, you mentioned that marriage between believers and unbelievers is sin, and citing in the Old testament that God commanded the Israelites to divorce their unbelieving wives… but Paul commanded the exact opposite… that believers married to unbelievers should stay together in 1 Corinthians 7:12:
12To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
So we see here that under the New covenant that God did indeed sanctify marriages between a believer and non-believer. If interfaith marriages were sinful, then it wouldn’t make any sense for Paul to tell them to stay together, wouldn’t he be commanding divorce instead?
About 2 Corinthians 6:14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers - where do you get that this passage speaks about marrying a unbeliever girl? How do you translate this INTO the text? Because popular pastor or your denomination says so? Seems like eisegesis to me.
Paul speaks to corinthians and is asking them to abandon their previous evil ways, sinful, idolatrous practices - e.g. stay out from pagan temples, do not take part in their rituals etc. You cannot elevate this widely scoped text over Paul’s admonition not to leave your unbelieving spouse.
I heard a young man explaining to a young girls family why he did not sin when he slept with their daughter and got her pregnant. He said that when they first slept together that in God’s sight that married them and that from then on they were married in his sight and all was good.
The parents asked him one question… “Did what you do please the Lord?”
His answer, “No.”
The question is, what will please the Lord. God states simply in his word not to be yoked with an unbeliever.
So no, this man should not marry her.
But this man should also look carefully at his claim to be a Christian and ask himself one question, not am I a Christian, but do I love the Lord and desire to please Him in all I say and do.
2 Corinthians 6:14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
But if he truly loves the Lord and this woman I would expect to see him caring for her soul. Does he take her to church, minister to her, show her God’s love.
Honestly he should remain single and care for her and the child until she is either married and taken care of or becomes a believer and marries him.
That would be the love of God shining through as an example of dying to self love.
Pick up your cross young man and bear the consequences of your actions. There is a blessing in store. God brings beauty from ashes. Not always beauty we can see, but the beauty of pleasing God!!
Eloquorius and Brian, I like the discussion. It is good. I, too, will be interested in Dr. Moore’s reply. Although I understand Brian’s point, and I agree that sexual intercourse involves a mystical union, I do not equate that union with the institution of marriage. I don’t think that sexual intercourse is equal to marriage in Scriptural language. Therefore, I don’t know that they are already unequally yoked.
How does Shotgun Sinner know the woman is pregnant with his child? Sometimes women purposefully get pregnant with a man so they can be tied in to his money or they have multiple partners and when pregnant pick the man they want to be the father. Or women get pregnant as the man is leaving to be tied in with him and in effort to save the relationship. I don’t know if that is this situation here but it does happen. Just as Shotgun Sinner took advantage of this woman, women take advantage of men.
Regardless, it doesn’t negate his need for repentance and to take responsibility. He needs to go into a room, like someone suggested, to cry out before the Lord and allow the Lord to search his heart. Not just for “messing up” but the sin itself and for the wickedness, deceit, sin in his heart. I question did he seek a non-believer out because it would be easier to persuade her into sex and then dump her once he was over her but use the whole “unequally yoked” deal to justify and feel better about his decision? Was his “conviction” truly conviction over sin or that he had been inconvenienced by her? Maybe he truly is convicted but among unbelievers the reasons for breaking up are more like: the sex got old, I wanted prettier, richer, more exciting, I didn’t want to have any responsibility, we grew apart or didn’t get along.
Also, why isn’t the woman a believer? Did Shot-gun Sinner ever share the Gospel with her? It seems if she is willing to be persuaded into sex and to carry his child, she would be open to Sinner sharing the Gospel with her. Sinner has to tell her or at least bring her into a situation where she can hear from someone else. If the man didn’t tell her it may be because he can’t give what he hasn’t received himself. They may not be as “unequally yoked” as Sinner would like to think they are. Sinner may be a “Christian” but based on his actions and desire to “keep from making it worse,” he may not know the Lord Jesus Christ and who He is and what He has done or just needs to be re-reminded.
The man can’t do a thing to keep his life from getting “worse.” “Worse” is already here. His actions deserve death. “If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received full knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. How much more severely do you think a man deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God under foot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified him, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? (Hebrews 10:26-29) He can cry out like David cried out in Psalm 51. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret. (2 Corinthians 7:10)
While marriage, children, and adoption are gifts from a loving Father, they cannot save anyone’s soul and cleanse a person from unrighteousness. Only the blood by faith applied from the perfect Passover Lamb sacrificed for all our sins and the confession of sins can do that. And if Sinner seeks marriage and adoption out “to keep from making it worse,” he will sew his own fig leaves like Adam and Eve and his “righteous deeds” will be no more than filthy rags. He will have a form of godliness but no real power. He might temporarily look good on the outside but still full of sin and hypocrisy on the inside. (Matthew 23:28). The good news is “How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God! (Hebrews 9:14)
Once the man comes back into right relationship with God, the Father, through God, the Son, like David he can ask to be restored to God, the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the One who will give wisdom and empower him with faith, hope, love, and patience to do what Jesus has called him to do. And the Scriptures, a local Bible teaching-church, and fellow believers in close relationship with him will help guide him. The main thing for him and for all of us fellow sinners is to first be reconciled to God, repent and believe, and then He will lead us into the good works He has prepared for us.
Marge H. -A Forgiven Much Sinner
Hypothetically, what if a man were to get two different woman pregnant out of wedlock at roughly the same time in his life. Which one would he be “yoked to” and thus, obligated to marry? Just something to ponder.
Adoption… really?? Do we as believers need to be advising that all parents Christians (yes even Christians have fallen to premarital sex) and Non-Christians alike give up their children for adoption if they have children out of wedlock and te parents of child decide not to marry… this is not only unresponsible but also unbiblical. Paul writes that if a man does not care for his family he is worse than an unbeliever. This man’s responsibility is to care for his chiid and take care of its needs and support the mother regardless of if he marries her or not. Just imagine how foolish the church would sound if we started preaching from the pulpits “you have sinned, you have fallen to sexual sin, repent and give your baby up for adoption”
I understand the well meaning thoughts on adoption and applaud your stance on adoption… I am pro adoption in situaitons where adoption is needed. However, we need to be a little more responsible with our advice in these type of situations. Unless the child cannot be cared for, will be abused, neglected, or mistreated then the child does not need to be placed up for adoption. Just because the child is placed up for adoption does guarantee the child will get a mother and a father (single parents can adopt at least in Kentucky anyway).
I have never ever encountered this ethical dilemma scenario before (and I have studied theology for several years).
One thing I will say though is that having sexual intercourse does not mean that they are now automatically married in God’s eyes. Mark Driscoll makes this point in one of his sermons on sexuality. Also, read Jesus’ statement to the Samaritan woman in John 4:18 (I think most people would agree that the Samaritan wasn’t just keeping her current man around as just a roommate).
Though what this man did was clearly sinful and horribly irresponsible, I think we should be careful before we rush into telling the man “Now you MUST marry her for what you have done.” Remember, the woman he was involved with is a NON-believer. Scripture is quite clear about believers marrying non-believers (assuming that the man is truly regenerate). Telling the man he must marry the non-believing woman is encouraging him in the way of sin because believers must not be yoked with unbelievers.
I amazed to see that being unequally yoked to an unbeliever (gasp!) is tantamount to an unforgivable sin… My wife was unequally yoked to an unbeliever, and I am so blessed that God chose to work through those circumstances.
Do we know the desires of the expectant mother… All we read is that she informed the presumed father that she is pregnant. Does she even want marriage, or simply financial support? Does she intend to keep the child? And is the fatherhood of the child certain.
I’d be concerned with “I think I love her. She is sweet and we get along…” as a criteria for marriage. It’s not as simple as “doing the right thing” and “getting hitched”.
@Seth, I’m not sure I’ve read any comment that equates being unequally yoked to an unforgivable sin. It is in Scripture, and it must be addressed. I’m thankful that God was gracious to you and your wife in your circumstance, but circumstances do not change what God’s Word says.
Where again is the command from the Lord to marry because one has had relations with a woman?
@Harlan,
Deuteronomy 22:28 “If a man meets a virgin who is not betrothed, and seizes her and lies with her, and they are found, 29 then the man who lay with her shall give to the father of the young woman fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife, because he has violated her. He may not divorce her all his days.”
Interesting thread, opinions and speculation on all sides. However I really think the BEST advice that can be offered to this young man. Is that he prayfully enter into Professional counseling with this woman, or by himself if need be. There’s really not enough details here, and even if there were it would amount to an open forum gossip session.
This couple needs to sit calmly with a qualified Christian counselor, to help them sort through all the emotions, feelings and thoughts and make their decisions prayfully before God, opening themselves to the counsel of scripture, prayer and meditation.
@Jim Reese, I hear what you’re saying but do not quite know what you mean by “biblical counselor.” Do you mean a Christian psychologist, or more along the lines of a nouthetic counselor? You could possibly referring to either of them, so my question to you is to which of these two counselors do you refer? (You also could be referring to a pastor-counselor, and if you are please enlighten me.)
@Jim Reese, Thank you Jordan for that question I will try to clarify what I mean. There is no fix here; this is an “ethical dilemma” as old as time. Young man and woman get romantically entangled and go too far and a pregnancy results. I find that placing blame in this situation is counterproductive; I do hear confession and acknowledgement of a situation that this young man knows he created, in his letter. Maybe it’s not verbalized as some may prefer but clearly he knows he walked away from God and sinned. Christ as no more than we confess and repent, to demand more would be works and he did all the work on the cross.
There are various opinions here as to whether two are “betrothed” when they have sex…. And I suppose we could Biblically debate that for decades and not resolve it to everyone’s satisfaction. Let me note here there are many “adulterers” in our pews if that’s the case. Our culture is saturated with SEX, the fact is that these two waited (Oh I’m assuming this was the first time for both of them) until 19 in many circles would be seen as unusual. That’s not an excuse just an observation of fact.
Now where do they go from here? Some of these comments totally ignore what the woman in this case may decide to do! In our day and age this young man has legal and societal responsibilities that he will carry for this child for life, the age of a man walking away from his responsibility is GONE.
A man may escape for a season but you cannot stay out of the “system” for very long in our day and age.
So he needs to get all the facts in order to make a wise decision. Speak to his Pastor; speak to a Christian Family Counselor. Speak to a LAWYER.
In some states if an unmarried father does not register in a “Father’s registry” he may lose all LEGAL claims to the child all together. He needs to know now if he lives in one of those States. Many of the opinions and views expressed here may be very well intentioned but may carry unintended long term results which will ultimately damage the CHILD. Bear in mind what befalls the parents will trickle down to the child.
So in summary he needs to speak PRIVATELY to trusted professional counselors (preferable) with the mother. They need to Pray, meditate and seek Scriptural and God’s counsel here and remember they are also working within a Non-Christian legal framework which will impose it’s will.
Our calling is to redemption not persecution. I pray for everyone involved.
I loved J. Budziszewski’s answer…up to a point. And it’s a big one.
Marriage is a big decision, and not one to be taken lightly. A Christian should never marry an unbeliever. PERIOD. While this young man should definitely be responsible for the child (and in some ways, for the mother as well), that does not mean he “must” marry her.
Marriage, not parenthood, is the primary relationship in the family. Being a father doesn’t mean that you now have to be husband.
How his relationship with the young woman would look should be a matter of prayer and counseling. But I don’t think it’d be marriage unless the woman has a change of heart.
Yes, you should marry and she may become a christian or she may have an abortion, Some people may run from their sin to try and escape responablity.
There are many risk of sex outside of marrage.
Just a quick thought experiment for those that are proposing marriage in this case….
Would your view change at all, if the roles were reversed? What I mean is, if it was a Christian girl who pressured a non-Christian boy into sex and became pregnant as a result, she repented, and if the boy wanted to marry her, etc. (everything is the same except she is the Christian, he is the non-Christian) would you recommend that she marry him? If not, what is the difference?
The following “Question” was asked by a member of the congregation at Grace Community Church in Panorama City, California, and “Answered” by their pastor, John MacArthur Jr. It was transcribed from the tape, GC 70-12, titled “Questions and Answers–Part 40.” A copy of the tape can be obtained by writing, Word of Grace, P.O. Box 4000, Panorama City, CA 91412 or by dialing toll free 1-800-55-GRACE. Copyright 2001 by John MacArthur Jr., All Rights Reserved.
Question
My question is about being unequally yoked. Some people have told me that this is talking exclusively about marriage. Others have said that it applies also to business partnerships and other situations. Could you please expand on this? What does it mean to be unequally yoked and what type of a guideline should I have if it is OK for me to have a business partnership with a non-believer?
Answer
Well, this is a very, very important question. II Corinthians, chapter 6, is what you’re asking about. The concept of “yoke” gives you the key, I think. You have to apply it yourself. I mean, there’s no hard and fast rule. But a yoke was something that was put over two animals in a common enterprise, OK? Now, what Paul says in II Corinthians 6:14 is “Do not be bound together with unbelievers. For what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness? and what fellowship has light with darkness? And what harmony has Christ with Belial? Or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever? And what agreement has the temple of God with idols?” Now, what it’s saying is if you are in the same yoke, pulling the same plow down the same furrow; that is, you’re working side by side in the same enterprise, and you’re yoked together with an unbeliever, you’ve got problems.
Truly, that would refer to marriage because there’s no firmer, stronger, more binding yoke than marriage, right? If you go beyond that and you say, “What about a business partnership?” it would depend upon the nature of that partnership. I mean, if, for example, there’s a limited partnership in buying a motel and there’s ten guys buying into this deal and I’m one of ten, that’s one thing. Why, I’m investing. I might put my money in a bank; that’s a form of partnership too, with other people. I don’t think that’s the issue here. What is the issue here is linking up, side by side, under the same yoke, pulling the same furrow, in the same direction. Now, that might mean a partnership in a common business where you’re working side by side because you’re going to have problems.
The obvious meaning here, the most obvious meaning would be in some spiritual enterprise. I think that that’s the primary thing. The primary thing is don’t ever link up with an unbeliever in a spiritual enterprise. Does that make sense? People do it all the time, by the way, strange enough by taking money and involvement with unbelievers. So the obvious thing, first of all, the obvious thing: “no” in marriage, because that’s a believer and an unbeliever yoked. “No” in any common spiritual enterprise. And then secondarily, be very careful if you’re pulling the same yoke, down the same furrow, in front of the same plow, with an unbeliever because it’s inherent that there will be conflict because the standard by which you operate is different. You have to make that judgment as to what the partnership involves. The Spirit of God will lead you in that.
I don’t think it’s fair to say that there is a “yoke” that already exists just because a believer and a non believer have a baby. To me that is like saying “they are automatically married now because they have a baby”. That statement is simply not accurate and is far from the truth. The believer is not married to the non believer.
I just found out my son and his girlfriend are going to have a baby and i read this and felt such peace at what was said, you are really on to something here and if we all believed like they did back in my great grandparents day no one would have children out of wedlock it would be shunned but now a days it is like the newest accessory like a handbag.
I firmly feel they should marry due to it now being his baby that needs to be taken care of, so i am going to pray about it all.
But I feel such peace after reading this
thank you
Jill
I am a small church pastor that is struggling through how to do ministry after my first year. What I am struggling with the most is how do we live out grace instead of law. In light of this, after reading all of the responses to this very difficult ethical question I wonder if the correct question is being asked.
It seems to me that the question Shotgun Sinner is asking is how can he avoid sinning again, or how can he now keep the law. There are only two options being mentioned. Either he can avoid sinning and keep the Old Testament law (Ex. 22:16) or he can avoid sinning and keep a New Testament law (2 Cor. 6:14-16). I was just wondering if we could come to a better solution by reframing his question. Instead of asking how he can avoid making things worse, why don’t we ask how he can sacrifice for this young lady and their child with the goal of sharing God’s grace in Christ with them.
Let me clarify a little more. Could it be that either solution that has been raised (marriage or support without marriage) are permissable in the age of grace?
I think a case can be made that he is already yoked to her (not in marriage) but in partnership of the spiritual undertaking of raising an eternal being (their child). This does not mean that they should automatically marry, as this would mean further partnership in more spiritual matters such as his responsibility for the young lady’s spiritual well-being. However, I do think it opens up the option that marriage would not necessarily be sinful in this case.
On the other hand, there is a clear biblical principle that a man has a responsibility toward his child and the mother of that child. Even in our society today it is abundantly clear that the best way to care for your child and his mother is through marriage. However, it seems to me that offering full support (not just financial, but support in every way possible) to the mother and child would also fulfill this principle.
My point is that it could be argued that either option is permissable. If either option is permissable, the question then becomes what is the most wise option for Shotgun Sinner; marriage or full support. I want to suggest that the greatest biblical principle to answer this question of wisdom is the gospel.
In the New Testament the gospel principle for husbands is that husbands are to sacrifice (love in action) for their spouse the same way that Christ sacrificed for the church. Whether he marries her or not, he can act in a sacrificial way toward her and the child. By sacrifice I am not simply saying that he sacrifice a little bit of his money in the form of child support, but that he sacrifice in every possible way that he can imagine or come up with. His goal in sacrifice should not be to make up for or pay for his prior sin of having sex with her, but the purpose of sacrifice is to live out and minister the grace of the gospel to this young lady and his child. The goal should be the salvation of both.
Since we do not know the details of the relationship of these two young people, probably the best advice that we can give them is to seek out godly counsel. I think it important to remember that the primary goal, no matter whether they choose marriage or support, is the salvation of the young lady and the child. Christ showed grace to us and sacrificed for our salvation, this young man should not be asking what he can do to not mess up more, but what he can do to display grace to these eternal souls.
Because of Christ,
Kris
@Kris Drees, Let me add one more quick point that I forgot to add in my prior post. I said it is possible that neither option is sinful. I think that either marriage or support outside of marriage is permissable and could potentially be the righteous response. I believe either action could be the right response if performed from the right motive, that of sacrificing to show God’s grace in Christ to this young lady and child. However, either action could be sinful as well. If the action, marriage or support outside marriage, is undertaken with the sole motive to avoid sin and thus fulfill God’s righteous requirements (law) in the life of Shotgun Sinner, then it could be sinful. Whenever we try to fulfill law rather than grace the act is sinful. If I am way off base on this analysis, or if I have failed to speak clearly, then I would greatly appreciate correction!
Because of Christ,
Kris
@Kris Drees,
I think you are right on. Although a frequent reader of BoundlessLine, I disagree w/ the marriage part of Budziszewski’s answer to the young man.
The young man can repent, accept God’s forgiveness and take responsibility for his actions (that led to him becoming a father) without binding himself to an unbeliever. Before marriage, he still has a choice in that matter and all the reasons why one shouldn’t marry an unbeliever still apply to him.
He should seek to serve the woman and his child. He should seek to walk out the gospel in front of her and to pray for her. He should make himself vulnerable to brothers and sisters and ask for their prayers and accountability as well.
Yet, we should not forget all the ways God can work. It may be that they marry and God works through him to save her. It may be that he sends child support and is as involved in his child’s life as possible. Perhaps he goes on to marry a believer and they raise a family together but his heart always remains tender to young men and women who fornicate and he counsels them and points them to the gospel. Perhaps after ten years of single motherhood, God gets a hold of this young woman, changes her heart and she gets saved, meets a man who is a believer, marries him and he adopts this child. My point is that we don’t know how this young man’s story will unfold. God restores and redeems. But he doesn’t do so according to set formulas. He works in countless ways.
It would be hubris indeed to suggest that we know exactly how this young man should “solve” the problems created by his sin. We can preach the gospel and clear biblical mandates. We cannot make new mandates on God’s behalf.
It´s amazing the fuss we raise on such an issue. I am not overlooking the sin fact. But what great tendency we sinners saved by grace have of forgetting so quickly that fact and the reality that if it weren´t for God´s love through the Grace of the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross that we would simply not even consider this subject. The other thing is that we have the feudal tendency to look at sin as if one is greater than the other. Sin has ni size, colour, level nor anything of the like. I agree most of the advises given each have their point, nevertheless we are forgetting that as born again believers the predominant caracteristic and the ID card that we can raise as christians for the world to see is-LOVE. When the woman caught in the act of adultery was brought before the Lord, Where was the man? Law had it that both must die- but the Grace of the Lord caught all accusers of guard, Anyone free of sin cast the first stone!!!
People in these type of situations must find solace and the answers to their particular dilemmas through personal counselling with a local pastor, elder, deacon or common layman, all who must be spirit filled, moved to mercy as our Lord was when he saw the multitudes in such needs and no one to guide them lovingly.
One of the main aspects lacking in our congregations today is
spiritual parenthood, someone beside the new born believers, accept spiritual responsability for their first dirty diapers, blunders, horrendous mistakes, and guide them till they are ready to start walkingon their own, still yet, continue along life´s path till the Lord calls them or Us to Him. Aren´t we as parents thus with our own children- even though grown- we still desire to watch over them and help them over their rough areas? May God instill His real love in us toward a hurt, grieving and dying world!!!!
I think that the man has most certainly committed himself to marriage. However, I would argue another point. I often hear young people say, “All that really matters is that s/he’s a Christian.” Well that’s simply NOT true. There are so many other things that matter in marriage. Doctrine is not a solid foundation for marriage. The church’s divorce rate is equal to the world’s. I have reconnected with many old Christian friends via Facebook and about half of them have been divorced since the last time I saw them. It breaks my heart.
In addition to that, I would argue that there is a good chance that the salvation of both is in question. This guy is most certainly not walking in the Spirit (Gal 5). Notice that he says he convinced her to become sexually active. She did not entice him. This young man needs to be discipled. Who knows, perhaps by his “chaste behavior” she might be saved.
I think that at the very least he has precluded himself from another marriage and needs to be committed to the child and his mother. Perhaps through the relationship of common parenting she will be saved. Perhaps if he starts ACTING like an man of God instead of a hormonal teenager she will hear the Gospel. Then there will not be an issue of the unequal yoke. He most certainly should be more concerned with this girl’s salvation than he is about a wedding band. His child’s salvation may depend on it. And for that he will be held accountable as well.
Hey all! I appreciate the comments and thought I would see if anyone would help me reflect on the picture of Hosea marrying Gomer. Very little (if anything) from that may apply here - but I do love God’s heart to redeem - even if it is as shocking as sending a “good man” to marry a committed whore as an unbelievable demonstration of his spousal love for His people. Certainly the young man cannot claim God’s anointing for what he did. But rather than start with this or that set of verses I would rather start with weeping over sin and wrestle with what redemption God might bring from it. That is what I liked about Dr. Moore’s original answer - it contained some seeds of redemption. I know my “logic” is not very good and my theology may be bad and my tiredness of Christians tossing verses at each other may betray a weariness of the hard work of being a Christian, but I would like to appreciate Dr. Moore’s answer. Thanks for listening!
@Candice Watters, I respectfully disagree with the person you quoted. His partial reason for marriage was based on that fact that the young man was now going to be a father.
And yet scripture doesn’t have an asterisk … It doesn’t say “Do not be yoked with an unbeliever* (unless you had sex and that sex produced a child.)
The child is not the issue -
The issue is how does this man who claims to be a follower of Christ please Him from now forward? Though I am not sure that is what the young man is asking. He seems to want to know what he should do. But if his desire is to please the Lord…
He has to take responsibility for his actions, bear the consequences with the goal of pleasing God! It will bring him the most joy and fulfillment. It is why we exist.
God himself decided that a child would be produced. He never works against Himself being glorified. So this whole thing can be redeemed to bring glory to God!
While the sin grieved God the sinner has been forgiven and given the chance to use it for good! How awesome is that!
This young man made sinful choices - yet our God in His sovereignty, love, wisdom and power used his wrong choices to bring him to a place of repentance and to move on to bring fruit from it! He does that for us daily!
Now he needs strength and support to carry on the ministry of reconciliation as he shoulders his responsibilities.
Can he do a good job being a father and not living in the home? God is able to produce a strong godly child from this!
I don’t think we should make choices based on what is best for the child, but on what is best for God’s being glorified!
Obedience from a desire to please God is what glorifies Him. And sometimes it might not look “loving” to us but we can trust God with that!
Consider one another more important than yourself …. keep your eyes on Jesus… who for the joy set before endured the cross…. set down at the right hand of God.
Shall we sin that grace may abound…may it never be. But wow, does grace abound!
I wish I could watch a young man live this picture out. What a powerful testimony of love for God that would be. And yet we have the opportunity daily to put to death our sinful desires and live to please God! Driving the speed limit - not letting any unwholesome word proceed from our mouth except that which builds others up.. for more read Col 3.. (Just to throw around a couple scriptures!) :-)
One more thought… what difference does a marriage certificate or any action make if the heart has not changed.
Do we want the man to marry her, or care for her so that everything looks nice and tidy and that Christianity doesn’t look bad? Do we want him just to do what is right because it is “right?” Do we want him to feel good, relieve guilt?
God looks on the heart not the outward. The marriage certificate or other actions aren’t the point, the heart/motive is. And God has given this young man an opportunity to see his heart just like Abraham did with Issac.
So the question is, “Why does he want to know what to do?’ Does he want to look good/do the right thing or desire to love God? That is really the crux of the matter. And we can’t judge that.
While it might look good that he wants to do the right thing (sacrifice) it is still most crucial that he be discipled and mentored in his love for God! Then his response will be as unto the Lord and to His glory! Love results in obedience, but obedience does not prove love.
1 Samuel 15:22 But Samuel replied: “Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD ? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams.
Colossians 3: 23Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, 24since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.
I think he should take care of his responsibilities but he needs to pay close attention to his heart.
I think that if the guy were truly saved and not just a christian he should have thought twice before he decided to have sex. It amazes me how people get themselves into situations and then want the easy way out. Before he made the choice to sleep with her did he even think about how the Holy Spirit would be grieved? And what’s the deal with the word christian. Everybody says it but how many people live it. They throw it around like it’s a title of some sort. He was man enough to lay down with the girl now he should be man enough to take care of the responsibility. The Word of God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Why does it get changed to suit someone’s mess. There are consequences to everything that we do, say or think. And we as “saved” children of God should recognize that. Nobody is perfect but we’re not stupid of God’s requirements either.
First off, PLEASE SEEK CHRISTIAN COUNSELING FOR THIS PROBLEM. YOU CAN ONLY DO WHAT’S BEST FOR THE THREE OF YOU. DO NOT BE FORCED TO MAKE DECISIONS THAT WILL MAKE THE SITUATION WORSE! SEEK GOD BEFORE ALL ELSE! If you both decide adoption is the best thing, then be prepared to not only have christian counseling temporarily but enter therapy for some time until you have tools to cope and deal with the tremendous feelings of grief you will feel esp for the biological mother. She will need it the most! But mainly seek GOD above all else and along side counseling and/or therapy to help her cope and deal with the pain and deep sadness she will feel. If you raise your child, you need to try your hardest not to be too irresponsible for this kid to end up in foster care! Better to give it up for adoption than to end up in foster care! I also don’t believe marrying someone can apply to all situations of pregnancy out of wedlock. At the same time, if you CAN make it work and do have feelings and care for each other, then I don’t see why not. I was raised in believing you should marry the person you created the baby with. It was just a known fact the way I grew up being in a Christian home. I do believe, however, many marriages (including Christian ones) have the potential to end up in divorce this way. But it can also be a successful marriage. But you shouldn’t intentionally choose to be in an unequally yoked marriage. But what to do if there’s a baby? Not all situations are alike. For instance: Abusive relationships, rape (date/acquaintance rape, stranger rape) incest, etc. What about a drunken night? And what if this man impregnates more than one woman? What then? Does he marry the first one? Or does he choose the one who is a Christian or who is has “more morals”? How is this supposed to work? I’m not an expert, but I believe God is. Is there one answer to everything? No! I wouldn’t suggest to a woman or man to marry someone who threatens, manipulates, controls, physically, and emotionally abuses them just for the baby. Even if they’re are in a “relationship” together. You may say well they shouldn’t be with that person or have premarital sex with that person in the first place. But, if you are living in fear of this person and are unable to seek help, that doesn’t mean they are “meant to be” because a baby came into the picture, does it? In that case, it should be given up for adoption so they are no longer tied together in misery and the victim of the abuse can be set free. Still bearing the pain of going through these horrible situations and making poor choices due to fear or feeling used and worthless. You don’t know what goes on in their minds unless you walk in their footsteps!