Should We Sterilize Ourselves in Order to Adopt More Children?
— Friday, December 3rd, 2010 —
Below is the latest “Questions and Ethics” query. Help me answer this question by telling me your thoughts in the comments. I’ll weigh in later. And remember to send me your real-life ethical dilemma to questions@russellmoore.com.
Dear Dr. Moore,
My wife and I really resonate with your emphasis on orphan care and adoption, caring for widows and the fatherless. We believe God is calling us to minister to orphans through adoption and foster care. Here’s our question. We’re a young couple, married about three years. We have no children at this time, both finishing up college and graduate school.
Here’s our question. We know there are so many children in the world (and in our community) who need parents. We would like to help the maximum number of kids we can. We are contemplating not having children biologically at all, proceeding either contraception or a vasectomy for me.
We think this is a good idea, and honoring to the Lord. Some of our Christian friends don’t think we’re making the right decision. What do you think?
Sincerely,
Adapted for Knife
It seems well intentioned, but I would not advise them at all to continue down this road. If they indeed can biologically reproduce it would seem to me to fundamentally disobey God’s command to “multiply.”
God’s adoption only follows after God’s creation, and it is a representation of God’s image on our nature to allow him to use a creation conduit. Pragmatically I think there could be psychological consequences, most notably regret, if they don’t at least try to conceive naturally.
i sure don’t have an answer but have struggled with the same thoughts.. we too have been married 3 1/2 years. We had *decided* to adopt first and maybe sprinkle some bio kids in along the way.. Through the adoption process though we ended up doing foster care and feel it’s exactly the right spot for us right now. God willing we are going to adopt AND have bio children (still not sure which first)..
But, although I’m sure this will get said several times, have to be sooo careful about what kind of birth control. So many are abortifactants. I think natural planning can be effective and I feel much more free knowing that I’m not risking damage or death to any fetus that may be conceived.
I think after a few bio (b/c no telling how many we’ll have by then through adoption as well) we’ll probably end up with the vasectomy route but until then we are sticking with natural planning and, when necessary, barrier methods that won’t cause abortions (even if it’s only days into conception b/c we believe life starts then)
I think this is a God-honoring idea, but I would counsel against doing anything that is permanent (i.e. vasectomy). There are books that are available that can help you through the natural contraception process if that’s the way you choose to go.
I applaud your desires, but spend considerable time in prayer and under godly counsel before undergoing a procedure for either of you.
May God bless you richly as you seek to honor Him in holiness and the caring and rearing of children.
Wow, big question. I don’t see anywhere in the New Testament where couples are commanded to have children. It seems to me that we can display God’s image by adopting just as well as we would by procreating. God’s command to be fruitful and multiply can be accomplished also through adoption (and in evangelizing for that matter). I would see this as an area of Christian freedom where your motives and the conviction of the Holy Spirit are most important. This couple seems to have the right motives and seem to be led by the Spirit, but of course it is a big decision which should be considered with wise counsel and much prayer.
I admit that since my wife and I are unable to conceive it is difficult to hear of another couple sterilizing themselves, but we as Christians must be careful not to speak more than the Scriptures do on these kinds of issues. (BTW, we have four adopted children through foster care now)
@Jeremy Chambers
First, congratulations on your 4 kids! That’s so wonderful!
For the couple who asked the question:
I had to stop and think for a sec if “Be fruitful and multiply” was specifically for Adam and Eve, or if it was for all couples. (I don’t think it applies now, but didn’t do a great deal of study) I think different churches teach differently on that topic which can make things confusing. ALWAYS best to go to the Word!!
I am 41 and unmarried. When i was 30, my doctor wanted to do a hysterectomy for a small problem which ended up being fixed by a smaller surgery. Last year the problem was found to be back and worse, and this time three doctors advised hysterectomy again. I just had/have no peace about it (I also have Fibromyalgia, and healing is very very slow for me), it didn’t seem that it was right to “close that door” yet when i was doing OK, managing the physical pain pretty well.
Because i *am* 41, i’m probably at the end of that window of time - but for me (and i really want to emphasize that and would never tell another woman to do what i did, it was what i believe i was and am hearing from God) i just never had peace about .. what’s the best way to say this… taking that “option” away by my choice. So please, PRAY pray pray and have lots of quiet time so that you may also listen listen listen is my best advice! :) It sounds like you have really good motives and hearts that want to share a lot of love! So that’s a great start!
As one that struggled for six years with not being able to have biological children, and finally being able to have one, I encourage you to try while you are still young. We have fostered and pursued adoption, while at the same time trying biologically. We believe God’s plan was to give us a child biologically after we were done fostering two precious children (we found out we were pregnant the day after the children left our home).
We still have a heart for adoption and are planning to adopt and have more biologically. I believe children are blessed and God is honored through both means. We hope to have a house full of children through both means. I would say, leave it to God in deciding if you should have biological children.
Having children biologically and through adoption are both honoring to the Lord. Therefore, neither option should be used to nullify the other. We should not view this as an either-or but as a both-and.
Voluntary sterilization of one’s reproductive capacities before they have been able to produce natural offspring represents an undoing of what God has created for his glory. Pursue adoption, of course. But not at the expense of God’s ordained means for the natural generation of offspring.
@Aaron O’Kelley, well put!
My wife and I have been married for 3 1/2 years and are planning to adopt our first child as well. However, our thought process was different
We wanted our first child to be biological. However, after trying for two years we felt as if God was leading us to adoption. We are beginning the process now. We would still like to have biological children, but if it does not happen for us then we will praise him. If it does happen, then we will praise him.
I will not have vasectomy because we adopted, I agree with Chris that it will be direct disobedience with God’s command to multiply. You should at least try to have biological children, so you do not have the nagging thought of “what if.”
God gives us the freedom to follow him and the knowledge about how he leads each of us individually through our relationship with him. So a decision like this must be bathed in prayer.
that said, my wife and I used birth control pill early in our marriage as she had been taking to regulate her cycle since she was a teen. Never thought twice about it.
With prayer we have decided never to stand in God’s way of children. If he blesses us with many biological kids then so be it. if he doesn’t then so be it. I don’t think it was ever intentioned to have this much separation between sex and children.
I also think there is something special about biological children and adopted children in what it says about God’s character. So you need to make sure you are not idealizing adoption because of the anology that we are adopted by god through christ.
I agree with the other comments about this being an issue of intent prayer before decision making, but I want to know what the difference is between “mutiplying” through biological means or adoptive means? I don’t think I agree that NOT having biological children in order to adopt is disobeying God’s command to multiply. Of course you need to be informed about the options available and certainly not use anything that is abortive.
I think this is an area of liberty for those of us in Christ and that how we decide to grow our families must be a spirit-led decision, but not always identical to someone else’s.
“Adapted for Knife” is a creepy way to close, and I weight against the vasectomy option for a number of reasons, not least of which is that I think Scripture speaks against mutilating the body (plus the jury is out on the long-term health effects of operations like a vasectomy - see dontfixit.org for more information about chronic pain and health conditions following the operation.)
I was amazed when saw the question given here. My wife and I have just been having this same conversation. We just had our third child, and while we agree we would like to have more children, pregnancy has been healthy but extremely uncomfortable for my wife. She literally says that she can’t go through it again. Right now we’re still talking things through, and we want to be very cautious. I eagerly await seeing what you have to say.
JAF
I do not believe it would be wise to place a greater value on adoption over having biological children. There would be no more or less glory to God rather a person chooses to adopt or to have a family biologically.
It would seem better to allow God to bless in the way he sees fit. If God blesses you with a biological family then rejoice in the gift you have been given. If God should place on your heart to adopt then rejoice in that call as well. There is no need to choose as God will be blessed in either way. “to try and adopt the maximum number of children” in an effort to care for an love them is noble, but would seem to be a goal that is much like one person and family trying to reach the whole world with the Gospel. God calls each of us in specific ways at specific times and equips us for that task. God may bless you with children at one point and then put on your heart to adopt at other times. In each case the goal should be to glorify Him.
I am in my 20s, recently married, and am debating whether it would be best for us to use a sperm donor or adopt first. My husband is infertile due to cancer treatment he received as a child. We’d like to both adopt and use a donor, but will probably use the donor method first so we can go through the process of pregnancy together before welcoming more children into our home.
My main reason for writing is out of concern over Erin McCoy’s comments about birth control methods. Most oral contraception (also called “the pill”) works by using hormones to suppress ovulation. This means the woman’s ovaries do not release an egg to meet the sperm. Conception is defined by the joining of a sperm and an egg (fertilization), and implantation on the wall of the uterus — without implantation as well as fertilization, there can be no pregnancy.
Emergency birth control, such as Plan B (also called the “day after pill”) is essentially a higher dose of the same kinds of hormones in the regular pill and works similarly, but will also increase the mucous lining of the uterus to prevent implantation of an egg that has already been fertilized. Neither of these hormonal methods could possibly be considered “abortifacients” since they would do nothing to harm a pregnancy that has already begun, and only prevent a pregnancy from occurring in the first place. I hope this information will put her concerns about using contraceptive methods to rest!
@Tasha Nell, The Pill does not completely supress ovulation. The lining of the uterus, through the Pill, is made thin and inhospitable to implantation. So conception CAN take place, but the placenta of the developing baby would most likely not be able to implant due to the depleted lining.
http://www.epm.org/static/uploads/downloads/bcpill.pdf
There are other sites besides this one that explain this, and it is clearly stated in the insert for the Pill.
@Tasha Nell,
Please reconsider the use of a donor. My parents used a sperm donor to conceive me and not only do I grieve for the missing half of my biological family, but I also grieve for my parents who took this route and brought a huge stress on themselves because of it. I think that seeing a Biblical picture of what marriage is can only lead one to the conclusion that having a third party enter into the marital relationship (by way of creating a child with one of the marriage partners) is NOT a Biblical way of creating a family. (This is very different that adoption, which is bringing an already existing child into a family.)
As a woman, I can completely understand wanting to be pregnant, however, the ends don’t justify the means in this case.
@Genoise: You are speaking of fertilization, not conception. Conception is defined as both fertilization (joining of egg and sperm) and implantation on the wall of the uterus, which typically happens 5-7 days after fertilization. Even if the pill does not fully suppress ovulation (which is is extremely effective at doing!) and an egg becomes fertilized, it will prevent conception by keeping the fertilized egg (called a zygote) from implanting. Preventing a zygote from implanting is not an abortion! After all, a HUGE percentage of zygotes naturally fail to implant — these are not even considered miscarriages because you can’t have a miscarriage without implantation.
If life began at fertilization as you seem to suggest, why would God create so many souls only to have so very few of them become part of a pregnancy, let alone be born and grow up to become children or adults? I believe the miracle of life begins at conception, meaning after the fertilized egg has joined with the mother by implanting on the wall of the uterus.
@Stephanie — I am so sorry you feel grieved, but please know that you are a miracle just as any other person on this planet, no matter how you came into being. I appreciate your concern for our decision, but we’ve researched this extensively, done a lot of soul-searching, and believe that using a donor (likely in addition to adopting later on) will be the best option for us. I come from a big, diverse family, made all the bigger and more meaningful by my parents’ attitude that your family is who you choose to include in your life. I have many people I call Aunt and Uncle who are not actually related to me — they are close friends of my parents and grandparents, and have been a part of my life since I was a baby. We had them read scripture at our wedding! I am much closer to these “relatives” than I am to some actual blood relatives of mine who for a variety of reasons are not part of my life.
I believe firmly that your parents are who raise you, not just who provided genetic material for your existence, and will make sure any child of ours knows this. I am not worried about any biological “3rd party” intruding on my relationship with my husband — our marriage is stronger than that! I’ll worry more about my mother-in-law having undue influence on our parenting choices ;-)
I think it helps that we know about my husband’s chemotherapy-induced infertility in advance, and will have had years to continue adjusting to the idea before attempting to conceive. We won’t have to deal with the same kind of pain that many couples experience when they try and realize that they cannot become pregnant naturally. We hope to provide that same “adjustment” period for our child by being open about it from the beginning. As soon as our son or daughter is old enough to comprehend the biological components of making a baby, we will make sure our child understands that while “daddy” is still his or her father, there is more to the biological story of how he or she came into this world.
Many studies have shown that openness and honesty can reduce any ill-effects of using a sperm donor, just as it can help in the case of adoption. The biggest problems arise when parents have not gotten over the “shame factor” of not being able to conceive naturally, or the child is hurt by the betrayal of being lied to for years about their biological origins. We’ll be sure to avoid these issues by being open from the start, and not attempting to conceive until we are sure we are emotionally ready before bringing a child into this world.
@Tasha Nell,
Can you explain a little bit more what you mean by “If life began at fertilization as you seem to suggest, why would God create so many souls only to have so very few of them become part of a pregnancy, let alone be born and grow up to become children or adults?”?
From what I learned in school, a woman produce only 1 egg during ovulation. If a fertilized egg reaches the uterus and implantation does not occur, it is a type of miscarriage. What I don’t understand is where you get this idea of “so many souls”, yet “so very few of them.” Are you saying there are many fertilized eggs, and very few of them will reach implantation? But from what I know it only happens 10-15% of the time. Most fertilized eggs reach implantation with no problem.
@Tasha Nell, have you ever looked at snowflake adoptions… russell moore had a post about that.. Instead of terminating embryos that are frozen from other people’s IVF, you can save a life thru a different kind of adoption… (http://www.russellmoore.com/2010/02/22/is-embryo-adoption-immoral/)
and thanks Genoise for you input.. I do believe life begins at fertilization and i think doing something that will block the fertilized egg is indeed an abortificant; although in my primary post i was mostly referring to IUDs, but realize that pills are indeed considered abortificants as well. And just b/c something isn’t termed a ‘miscarriage’ in the medical field (that i work in), doesn’t make it any less of a human being in God’s eyes… But anyway, i am eager to hear your response to Dennis Wong’s question
Mike and Dottie Clark of casa para ninos http://www.casaontherock.org/are raising over 500 children (with lots of help). All after having their own and adopting in the US. They have a great testimony, but God was always in control.
Hello, I’ve never really done anything like this, but I’d like to be of some help if at all possible. I mean, I basically stumbled upon this page but hopefully I can have some input on this.
Though you might already know it, this is what Psalm 127 says starting in verse 3:
3 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the children of one’s youth.
5 Blessed is the man
who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
I believe it is (rather, can be) a wonderful thing to adopt, especially when it is done to the glory of God and the good of the child. I believe, also, that you cannot neglect the obvious blessing of children that have been brought into this world through yourselves by the God-given gift of sex.
Nowadays the average family has shrunk so that there are only a few arrows, when a greater blessing is found in many. In the families I have known that have had both adopted and biological children, there is a strange and beautiful relationship that exists between these children. I know that is very vague, but it is hard to explain and I’m sorry for failing there.
The passage I posted singles out those born biologically, seemingly, but the beauty of it applies to the joy of all children.
It is a beautiful and wonderful thing to bring life into the world and to take care of life that has already existed in it for some time. It is a wonderful thing to bring up children in the Lord according to scripture, probably especially according to Proverbs, regardless of whether they are biologically yours or not, but I say that you should definitely steer clear of anything as extreme as a vasectomy.
Psalm 128 says:
3 Your wife will be like a fruitful vine
within your house;
your children will be like olive shoots
around your table.
4 Behold, thus shall the man be blessed
who fears the Lord.
I also want to say that, for whatever reason, I am reminded of when in ch. 23 of Matthew (not because of any resemblance to pharisees, necessarily), Jesus says this:
…you tithe mint and dill and cumin, and have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness. These you ought to have done, without neglecting the others.
Why am I reminded of this? I think it’s because you should do the one, which consists in mercy and justice and faithfulness (probably adoption more than biological), without neglecting the
other (biological more than adoption). I’m not in any way trying to rip that verse from it’s context, just saying that it reminds me of this situation.
It’s late and I’m probably making little sense, so let me just say that I think both are noble ventures when done in the Lord and for His glory. Adopt and have biological children if at all possible.
I work in child protective services and work with biological families to keep them together as well trying to get children adopted once all efforts with the biological family have failed. I see a lot through this work. There are many things to consider when thinking about adoption such as age “available,” problems that the children may have from experiences with birth family or multiple moves while in foster care. I love each child on my caseload as if they were my own but I would struggle with adoption for many reasons. I have one bio child and he is all I can have due to medical reasons and safety of myself and any future children, I would be risking my life more so than normal if I had another child. I am blessed to have my son and my life as it is, and I am young and healthy. Anyway, anytime someone is considering adoption or foster care, please do so after much prayer and after obtaining a counselor who can help you through all the emotional ups and downs.
I don’t have a comment but rather an additional related question. I have a heart for adoption but my husband not (yet). I am now in the early stages of pregnancy with our first child and was approached by an organization that collects the urine of pregnant woman in order to extract the hCG(pregnancy)-hormone. They use this to treat couples struggling with infertility problems.
Will I reduce the change of an orphan getting a loving home with loving parents if I take part in this? And should it be any of my concern? I also do not want to be a hypocrite, being pregnant myself and appearing as if I do not wish this joy for other couples.
“God, Marriage, and Family” by Andreas J. Koestenberger provides excellent biblical insight on contemporary reproductive issues. Can make for dry reading but very thought-provoking. Singleness and sex, birth control in its many forms, fertility treatment and adoption.
Often the depiction is of young couples, but many of us who are around 50 also deal with this. Later marriage, later families. We have one bio and one int’l adopted. And yet despite past infertility, a high-risk pregnancy is a possibility.
Convictions must not be pragmatically drawn, but neither do I desire unsolicited advice from those who believe to have all the answers.
To the Couple Who Submitted the Question:
If you are able, I would suggest reading The Open Embrace by Sam and Bethany Torode, a young Protestant couple with much wisdom on this subject. As a matter of fact, I would be happy to buy you a copy if you are unable to purchase one yourself! The Torodes make 2 points that may be particularly relevant to your situation. They persuasively argue, from both a biblical and historical perspective, that the marriage embrace was intended to be inseparable from procreation. They also trace the Protestant churches’ historical acceptance of contraception and demonstrate some of the tragic effects of this almost wholesale acceptance. Did you know that prior to 1930 every mainline Protestant denomination was opposed to artificial contraception? While the historical positions of the church are not binding, this is one that I believe is worth giving attention to.
With many others who have commented, I encourage you to pray and to seek wise counsel. The Catholic organization The Couple to Couple League provides many excellent resources for those who wish to practice Natural Family Planning (NFP). This method is just as effective as the Pill for preventing or postponing pregnancy, and also for achieving conception!
To Tasha Nell, I would suggest that you also read The Open Embrace, as well as this site by Randy Alcorn, author of several well-known books such as Heaven and The Treasure Principle: http://www.epm.org/resources/2010/Feb/17/short-condensation-does-birth-control-pill-cause-a/
Alcorn deals directly with the evidence related to the birth control pill acting as an abortifacient. I believe that if there is any possibility at all that the Pill can act in this way, we should not recommend that other believers take it. In fact, we should encourage them not to! Especially when there is an alternative (Natural Family Planning) that works in accordance with God’s design for our bodies and respects women’s natural fertility cycles.
And to Jerad, I would say this: I identify almost completely with your wife, except that I have been through only 2 pregnancies and births rather than 3. Despite this, we are committed to using NFP as our primary method, along with a barrier method occasionally, and trusting God with the outcome. Though I will not choose to conceive again, we do not want to short-circuit God’s plan for our marital embrace, and if God brings that to pass, I will trust Him for the outcome.
I pray that the couple who submitted this question would be open to life, however the Lord chooses to give it to them. May the Lord in His grace give you biological and adopted children who cause you to stand in amazement at His good plans and works!
Just want to say I eagerly await a reply here since my wife and I have talked about the same issue–in the adoption process currently, though fully fertile. If we get pregnant during this 1 year after our home study, we lose the $2,600 we spent on it (that we raised from supporters) and start all over later.
When God completed His work He declared that it was good. That means our bodies and the way He created us to function. I do not thing that it is wise to take an perfectly healthy organ and destroy its use. Medicine is to heal the sick, injured, and help those with defects.
I wonder how many people in Jesus day asked Him to heal them from sperm production and ovulation?
@Genoise,
Thanks for taking the time to interact here. I appreciate your consistency and desire to turn things back to the Bible. I hope to comment here soon, but we’ll see how the time works out. Keep questioning this generation’s presumptions…
To the couple and commentors:
I’ve appreciated many of the previous comments in this post, and I think some good questions have been raised.
However, there are some major theological and ethical flaws in this question.
Though it is biblical to resonate with an emphasis on orphan care and adoption, we cannot undermine the entire Christian understanding of marriage, sex, and family in the process. Orphans have something very important in common with all of us — they themselves have first been born…biologically. If there were no natural parents, by necessity, there could be no children or orphans. Orphans don’t spring up out of the ground — they are first fashioned, biologically, in their mother’s womb.
That being said, a biblical view of man in general and children in particular tells us that apart from the physical “good” of natural life, there can be no spiritual “good” of adoption. An interesting example of this is God’s dealing with his chosen people (the Jews) and those later grafted (or adopted) in (the Gentiles). In order to adopt the Gentiles into the family of God, did God forsake his promises to Israel? The Apostle Paul said, “By no means!” in Romans 11:1.
So what does this all have to do practically with a heart for adoption and considerations of methods of “natural childlessness”?
Friends, we need a firm biblical reminder that children are not promised. Fertility should never, never, never, be presumed upon - and neither should parenthood in general. God does not owe us biological children, nor does he owe us orphans. They are all his gifts, all the fruit of someone’s natural womb in whom God sovereignly opens and fashions an emobdied soul. Couples who have not come to understand God’s divine perogative over the family should start first in humble repentance.
The next step is to do some hard, biblical thinking about how God has created you and why. And I emphasize “biblical” thinking there. We all had physical mommas and daddys, even orphans. And that matters to God. Yes God is an adopting God, but he’s also the Creator God. Yes the souls of orphans are dear to the heart of God, but keep in mind again that every soul from every nation, tribe, and tongue at the end of time will have two things in common: they were born once, and then they were born again. The family of God is both fully natural and fully spiritual; and there is ultimately no tension between the two.
Hope this helps,
BH
I think your answer is in the question Adapted. You have told us how you feel you are being led and have even said, “We think (are convicted?? that)…this is honoring to the Lord.” It is the tenacity to act upon our convictions that drives away the impending resentfulness of the subdued believer.
To the “multiply” commandment: Those that choose celibacy to serve or do something redemptive with their lives must also struggle with refusing to fulfill this command. So when does an individual or couples’ convictions “veto” their responsibility to multiply? I would submit that in the event those convictions lead an individual or couple to act sacrificially and redemptively on behalf of those that are less fortunate and forgotten, it is no longer the communal place of the Church to judge whether the right or wrong decision is being made.
In short: If this is how you are convicted and it will honor YHWH, it would be a sin NOT to do as you are convicted.
(Romans 14 and 15 are a general source for this contribution to the dialog)
I just stumbled on this site and am so glad I did! As one with a long-standing heart for adoption, these are questions I too have been wrestling with (and I love “meeting” Christians who enjoy discussing such serious topics :)
Thoughts:
1) It’s probably because I wasn’t raised in the “Christian culture,” but I’m really surprised that the totality of the responses did not more evenly represent both sides (thus my desire to share, for, if it were me, I would certainly want to hear from both sides)… I was also surprised that most of the debate seems to be over the morality of the desire rather than the morality of the action.
2) To the question, then, “is it okay to not want to bear your own children?,” I think we’d all agree on the answer, “what does the Bible say?” This is where I think the argument gets a little more complex, though, because of the work involved in interpreting the Scriptures. i.e., God said “be fruitful and multiply” to Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden thousands of years ago– how then does it apply to us?? (Not saying that it doesn’t apply (all scripture is useful) but HOW (for as I learned from my most-valuable hermeneutics class and my beloved hermeneutics textbook (Grasping God’s Word), we need to consider how the original recipients’ situation is different from ours. Thus, questions follow like, have we “filled” the earth? (yes, I admit my own biases (”environmental” girl)– we all view the Bible with our own “cultural eyeglasses,” don’t ya know :). And, how much of the blessing of children was a part of the OT culture? (We all know how badly Sarah and Rachel and Hannah, ect. wanted to have children! (but how much of that was because barenness was judged and mocked? how much of it was because in some sense, children were necessary for survival?))).
3) RE: the balance of God’s Sovereignty and Man’s Responsibility, I’m reminded of C.S. Lewis’ discussion on ‘Why Pray?’ in “God in the Dock.” I don’t have the book in front of me, but he says something to the effect of “why do anything? why open your umbrella in the rain? If God wanted you to stay dry, He’d keep you dry!” The balance between God’s sovereignty and our responsibilty is such an important, delicate , difficult thing, as much as I personally would LOVE to have someone tell me exactly what I should do about such questions, I’ve often been frustrated to hear, the glib (but true) response, “there’s no one-size-fits-all solution” and “ask the Holy Spirit” … In a similar manner, I wonder, if we’re okay with one form of birth control (whether it be natural or whatever), how then can we dismiss another simply based on its permanence? (if we never entered into something permanent for fear of regret, we’d never get married)).
4) As to the purpose of sex, this is another question I was just considering in the last few days, I wondered, are the Catholics right, is birth control a sin? (I don’t know how many Catholics actually believe this, it’s just an accurate portrayal of my ponderings). Anyway, I do think it’s an important question and it’s one I want to consider more, for the answer certainly leads to very different ends … but in my preliminary thinking, Song of Solomon and 1st Corinthians 7 makes me think that it was intended for pleasure and not just babies … I would certainly be interested to hear more thoughts on the matter(s), and I look forward to the continuing conversation!
It’s incredible to see so many godly couples embracing the mandate to live out their faith through adoption! But why pit one command—to adopt—against another—to be fruitful and multiply?
While it’s true that some couples will be unable to have babies biologically, due to infertility, there is no biblical evidence that any married couple is called to intentionally sterilize themselves by way of surgery, chemical, or barrier methods of contraception. Throughout the Old Testament, childlessness is a curse. And we are never called by God to impose curses upon ourselves. By contrast, children are always a blessing. All believers are called to be fruitful, but married believers are called additionally to procreative fruitfulness.
Malachi 2:15 says, “Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.”
Our openness to children, in fact our pursuit of procreative fruitfulness, is the substance of God’s first blessing in Genesis. To think that He would call us to willfully and intentionally avoid getting pregnant, is to reject His blessing (or at least the possibility of it).
It may seem that God is calling you to take these steps, but I wonder if instead He’s calling you to pursue adoption, while remaining open to the gift of biological children as well. Openness to conception doesn’t necessarily equal conception. For many couples it won’t. (We wanted more children than we have, and even though we tossed our birth control years ago, we’ve been limited by physical constraints to four.) Scripture is clear, both through the principle of God’s Sovereignty, as well as specific mentions of His involvement in family making, that He ultimately controls the womb.
For these reasons what’s more likely is that what you think is God’s will, is being influenced more by our culture, and possibly your fears, than it is by God’s Word. As the Danvers Statement affirms, “biblical teaching should remain the authority for testing our subjective discernment of God’s will.” How easy it is to forget that our discernment is subjective.
The root of your question is a question of control. That’s not surprising given that we live in and breathe the air of a birth control culture. What you must decide is whom you will trust to control your family size and how it is formed: you or God. If He is calling you to adopt, and adopt alone, then He is able to close your wife’s womb. But what if He wants you to adopt and to have biological children? What if He has a double blessing in mind for you? Would you say no to Him?
There’s something wonderfully rich about a family comprised of biological and adoptive children. That the children not of flesh and blood are brought into the family and given the full rights and privileges of biological sons (and daughters) means something only because we know what biological children are. Children by birth give us the context for the miracle of adoption, both in the natural world and the spiritual one.
For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will—to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. (Ephesians 1:4-6)
May God continue to form your understanding of His will as you to understand the revelation of His Word.
Great discussion! My wife and I are wrestling with the same question. Advice we have received from friends has been similarly divided. Here are a few comments, I would love feedback. Much of this is not my own thoughts, but learned from many discussions with friends…(but all the dumb stuff is mine only ☺).
1. Regarding the command to multiply in Genesis 1:
a. Is the command to multiply meant to be taken individually? Or should it be taken as a command for society in general to reproduce? Perhaps some believers tend to individualize the Bible when it is really spoken to communities. Also, the second part of the command is to “have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens…” It seems that we are not commanded to each individually do these tasks. Rather, we as a society are commanded to collectively do these things… But even assuming the command is individual:
b. Jesus did not multiply and Paul probably did not either. Therefore, the command is not universal. In response, some say that the command to multiply is for married couples only. However, this makes a distinction that Genesis 1 does not make.
c. A friend wrote this: “My personal take is that the people’s of the earth have obeyed the command to fill the earth. The N.T. parallel is the command to “go make disciples.” That original command was pre-fall and was the command to fill the earth with the glory of the Lord and to rule as his representatives upon the earth. Instead we have filled the earth with rebels, event to the point where God destroyed everything and everyone but Noah and his family. But the new creation has begun in Jesus’ resurrection and the command given at the inauguration of that new creation is to go make disciples.”
Isn’t biological reproduction the precursor to Jesus, who establishes spiritual reproduction? For example, Abraham is the father of many nations, biologically. However, in Galatians 3-4, this is at some level allegorized and the focus is on spiritual realities. While Genesis has Abraham being the father of many nations, biologically; Galatians seems to say that he is really the father of many nations, spiritually. Also, Isaiah 53 and 54 point to the coming of the Messiah. This passage speaks of physical reproduction, but it has been fulfilled in Jesus without any physical reproduction.
2. Regarding the argument that couples should be open to both biological and adoptive children (that it’s not an either/or, but a both/and):
Having both biological and adoptive children is a good option, but I don’t see this as necessarily a Better option than only adoption. I will use evangelism as an analogy. Should we either focus on overseas mission or local mission? Of course, for the church, the answer is both/and. However, for an individual family, it often makes sense to make an either/or choice (and there is biblical precedence for some pragmatism - Acts 6). The church should absolutely be about both biological and adoptive work. But for individual families with a specific burden, it seems good to have a family focus in the same way that it is good for an individual/family to have a nation or a people group focus.
3. Regarding argument that God is sovereign and couples should let him decide:
I liked what Jenny Bell said above. I believe in God’s sovereignty, but I don’t know why that has to take away human action. I believe many criticized William Carey (father of modern missions movement) with a similar argument. People accused Carey of dismissing the sovereignty of God by seeking to go to unreached people groups.
4. And a totally different thought - Generally it is considered acceptable for a family to “choose” to have only 3 or 4 biological children and to use non-abortive fertility awareness methods to avoid having more children. But I think this creates a slippery slope – if it’s okay to avoid having children at any time, why isn’t it also okay to avoid having biological children for a long time or to have avoid having any at all?
5. Finally a question. I am curious what others think about biological children and the environment. Should overpopulation be at all a factor? At this point, overpopulation is probably not a problem, but what if it was?
1 Thessalonians 4: 10-12 NKJV
“But we urge you, brethren, that you increase more and more; 11 that you also aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you, 12 that you may walk properly toward those who are outside, and that you may lack nothing.”
While there are multiple translations of v 10, and I’m no Greek scholar, it seems at least a little bit likely that the word “increase” has something to do with numbers. Adoption, while occasionally occurring at that time, was not common, and it seems that God’s original injunction to be fruitful and multiply is reinforced by this passage.
I know many godly families who have many children and have chosen not to adopt, for whatever reason. To me, they seem to be right in line with God’s clear teaching on the matter.
Blessings!
Adopting is admirable and godly.
But nothing happens outside the will of God.
Leave your body as is. If it is God’s desire that you only adopt, you will probably never have one of your own. No children are accidents. If it’s about freeing up the means to adopt; God will take care of those too. But God may have other plans for you; which may include a child from your own bodies.
Leave it all in His hands.
One more thing to add to that:
I do not believe that we are commanded to multiply. That was at the beginning of time that God commanded all living beings to multiply.
Were not Paul’s words God’s? He said it is good not to marry. And not marrying means not multiplying.
I was 43 and my wife and I had 5 children and wanted to adopt… but did not have grace to adopt when she was still-in child-bearing years and more might come. We decided I should have the big V and have adopted 2 children since then. It was very much the right choice for us.