Why Facebook (and Your Church) Might Be Making You Sad

— Thursday, January 27th, 2011 —

We’ve been warned that social media can distract us, shorten our attention spans, disconnect us from real-life relationships. Now a new study suggests that Facebook might also be making us miserable. I suspect there’s something to this, and it’s not just about Facebook. It’s about our churches.

Slate magazine cites a paper in a social psychology journal that started with an observation about how college students felt more dejected after logging on to Facebook. There was something saddening about “scrolling through others’ attractive photos, accomplished bios, and chipper status updates.” The students’ moods were darkened because they believed everyone else was happier than they are.

Journalist Libby Copeland speculates that Facebook might “have a special power to make us sadder and lonelier.” How can this be, though, when Facebook is generally so, well, happy, brimming with smiling faces and beautiful families? Well, that’s just the point.

“By showcasing the most witty, joyful, bullet-pointed versions of people’s lives, and inviting constant comparisons in which we tend to see ourselves as the losers, Facebook appears to exploit an Achilles’ heel of human nature,” Copeland writes. “And women—an especially unhappy bunch of late—may be especially vulnerable to keeping up with what they imagine is the happiness of the Joneses.”

Yes, Copeland writes, Facebook can chronicle cute kids, and warm moments, but that is never the whole, or even most, of the story of anyone’s life. “Tearful falls and tantrums are rarely recorded, nor are the stretches of sheer mind-blowing,” she writes.

Now, in one sense, I want to say, who really cares about Facebook. If you are that absorbed in comparing yourselves to others in this way, shut the computer screen and detox from the blue glow. But, it seems to me, the very same phenomenon is present in the pews of our Christian churches.

Our most “successful” pastors and church leaders know how to smile broadly. Some of them are blow-dried and cuff-linked; some of them are grunged up and scruffy. But they are here to get us “excited” about “what God is doing in our church.”

Our worship songs are typically celebrative, in both lyrical content and musical expression. In the last generation, a mournful song about crucifixion was pepped up with a jingly-sounding chorus, “It was there by faith I received my sight, and now I am happy all the day!”

This isn’t just a Greatest Generation revivalist problem either. Even those ubiquitous contemporary worship songs that come straight out of the Psalms tend to focus on psalms of ascent or psalms of joyful exuberance, not psalms of lament (and certainly not imprecatory psalms!).

We can easily sing with the prophet Jeremiah, “great is thy faithfulness” (Lam. 3:23). But who can imagine singing, in church, with Jeremiah: “You have wrapped yourself with a cloud so that no prayer can pass through. You have made us scum and garbage among all the peoples” (Lam. 3:43-45).

This sense of forced cheeriness is seen in the ad hoc “liturgy” of most evangelical churches in the greeting and the dismissal. As the service begins a grinning pastor or worship leader chirps, “It’s great to see you today!” or “We’re glad you’re here!” As the service closes the same toothy visage says, “See you next Sunday! Have a great week!”

Of course we do. What else could we do? We’re joyful in the Lord, aren’t we? We want to encourage people, don’t we? And yet, what we’re trying to do isn’t working, even on the terms we’ve set for ourselves. I suspect many people in our pews look around them and think the others have the kind of happiness we keep promising, and wonder why it’s passed them by.

By not speaking, where the Bible speaks, to the full range of human emotion—including loneliness, guilt, desolation, anger, fear, desperation—we only leave our people there, wondering why they just can’t be “Christian” enough to smile through it all.

The gospel speaks a different word though. Jesus says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” (Matt. 5:4). In the kingdom, we receive comfort in a very different way than we’re taught to in American culture. We receive comfort not by, on the one hand, whining in our sense of entitlement or, on the other hand, pretending as though we’re happy. We are comforted when we see our sin, our brokenness, our desperate circumstances, and we grieve, we weep, we cry out for deliverance.

That’s why James, the brother of our Lord, seems so out of step with the contemporary evangelical ethos. “Be wretched and mourn and weep,” he writes. “Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom” (Jas. 4:9). What would happen to a church leader who ended his service by saying to his people, “Have a wretched day!” or “I hope you all cry your eyes out this week!” It would sound crazy. Jesus always does sound crazy to us, at first (Jn. 7:15, 20).

Nobody is as happy as he seems on Facebook. And no one is as “spiritual” as he seems in what we deem as “spiritual” enough for Christian worship. Maybe what we need in our churches is more tears, more failure, more confession of sin, more prayers of desperation that are too deep for words.

Maybe then the lonely and the guilty and the desperate among us will see that the gospel has come not for the happy, but for the brokenhearted; not for the well, but for the sick; not for the found, but for the lost.

So don’t worry about those shiny, happy people on Facebook. They need comfort, and deliverance, as much as you do. And, more importantly, let’s stop being those shiny, happy people when we gather in worship. Let’s not be embarrassed to shout for joy, and let’s not be embarrassed to weep in sorrow. Let’s train ourselves not for spin control, but for prayer, for repentance, for joy.

Have a wretched day (and a blessed one too).

Image credit.

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 27th, 2011 at 12:01 pm and is filedunder Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

70 Responses to “Why Facebook (and Your Church) Might Be Making You Sad”

Andy January 27th, 2011 at 12:10 pm
The irony of this, is that as I scroll down to read this great article I keep noticing to the left the beautiful picture of you and your wife, looking so happy, a list of all the books you have written, and all the twitter feedback telling how great the ministry of Dr Moore is.

Now I am depressed.

Well, not really, it was a great article. Thank You. I am so encouraged by your writing and preaching. Your teaching continues to spur me on.

Andy Lutz

Scott in reply January 27th, 2011 at 3:37 pm
@Andy, “The irony of this, is that as I scroll down to read this great article I keep noticing to the left the beautiful picture of you and your wife, looking so happy, a list of all the books you have written, and all the twitter feedback telling how great the ministry of Dr Moore is.”

Great point.

ALV in reply February 2nd, 2011 at 1:36 pm
@Andy, I thought the same thing!
Charles e. Whisnant January 27th, 2011 at 12:27 pm
Human beings. I know I look at my facebook friend preachers and they are all doing so well.
Patti Withers January 27th, 2011 at 12:30 pm
This is something we need to be reminded of again and again - Thanks Russ.
Jamie Rindt January 27th, 2011 at 12:37 pm
Very good article! Very true. I don’t of Facebook that way but when we all shuffle in for an hour or two on Sundays, I do feel something is missing.
Aaron Wilson January 27th, 2011 at 12:42 pm
Thank you for this post Dr. Moore. Well put. I also appreciate the way you brought it full circle (though the pessimist in me wonders if anyone will catch it).

I fear that people might read this & will agree wholeheartedly with you b/c they’re of the “come just as you are” crowd. Yet, while we must certainly come to the Lord (and to church) just as we are - warts/sins/failures/tears and all - we must never be content to stay that way. Nor, do I believe, the Lord is pleased to keep us that way.

All that to say, I’m glad you included confession and repentance… not so we can look good on Facebook, but so that we can be right with God.

As always, I’m appreciative of your ministry.
Jennifer S January 27th, 2011 at 12:44 pm
I first noticed this phenomenon among mom-bloggers (of which I am one). I’ve had to take time every several months to step away from blogging and Facebooking to adjust my perspective.

Fortunately, I’ve added friends on FB in the last year or so that aren’t afraid to be honest in real with their updates. It helps to befriend more people like that. They help me keep perspective and remember that other people’s children throw tantrums and food too!

Julia in reply January 28th, 2011 at 10:14 am
@Jennifer S, Amen. I’m new to the SAHM world and I feel a much deeper connection to those who are brave enough to share the good, the bad and the ugly. Because, Lord knows, I screw up every day. To read all about the perfect lives of those who don’t is nothing short of depressing.
David LaChance January 27th, 2011 at 12:45 pm
“For you say, I am rich, I have prospered, and I need nothing, not realizing that you are wretched, pitiable, poor, blind, and naked.”

Awesome! I agree. This confession, failure, honesty and repentance should be as much a part of our daily sojourn as joy, peace and assurance. However, the former is a pathway to the latter, they are not parallel. This is where so many Christians lose their footing. We are seated with Christ even now. We must be bodily present in the joy of our position in Christ as we pass through our places of purgatory.

Because there is often a lack of perceiving the absolute depths of God’s grace through redemption, there is a fear to tread where assurance is threatened. Because a seemingly sound gospel is tainted from the pulpits (usually unknowingly) with some hybrid of semi-pelagianism, a salvation that–to any degree- is based upon our ‘perfection’ is one that is fundamentally dishonest and one that can only ever function as a mask, rather than armor.

When we are free to embrace God’s grace, it is because we have seen that our failures have been dealt with on the cross. In this case we RUN to confession, repentance and honesty that we may as quickly as possible live in seated joy.

Many Christians would view this post as overly ‘negative’, it is because they do not understand the reality of God grace nor the means to true joy in the light of it. James understood it, which is why he did not hesitate to speak so boldly.

Again, as cliche and extreme as this comes across (in this context), the problem here is a matter of works vs. grace… or pride vs. humility. Isn’t it always? :)
Tricia Johnson January 27th, 2011 at 12:46 pm
I read this article upon recommendation from a friend - a recommendation I got off facebook, by the way. While your observations about facebook are right, we as Christians have to look at people differently than the world. The world compares; we as Christians have to look beyond obvious comparisons and really listen to what people are saying; then respond with the compassion of Christ, not only for the world, but for people sitting in the pew. We know how wretched we all are, if we read the Word, but the Answer, Jesus Christ, gives joy everlasting and that’s our message.

It’s that everlasting joy that the preachers (my husband among them) are wishing upon their people; so that they will know that even though they are wretched beyond “compare,” there is a Redeemer Who has can change them, make them a new creature, give them life - a new life - in Him and they will have joy forever, no matter what their status might be.

Truth is, people are not necessarily going to tell the truth on facebook; it’s our sin nature to embellish and paint things rosy. If we, as Christians, realize this going in, then facebook becomes just another avenue to tell of our Redeemer, just like any other avenue, as all mediums should already be.

This is our focus. To tell of the Redeemer, whether on facebook, twitter, foursquare, myspace, etc…….

If anything is missing, it’s the gospel message from the pulpits of some American pastors. Shame on them. With or without facebook and all other social networks, that’s the ultimate missing link that is affecting our churches. The sheep are starving!

Thanks for the thought provoking article.
A miserable, wretched new friend,
Tricia
Chip Collins January 27th, 2011 at 1:23 pm
And let’s not forget all us preachers and teachers who can fall into the trap of growing sad for what we perceive as a dearth of responses to all our wonderfully insightful posts we think we make!

Thanks for the heads up, Russ!

Jennifer K in reply March 24th, 2011 at 12:23 pm
@Chip Collins,

That can apply to any of us, really… When I see friends post and get tons of responses every time, and sometimes I get none, it makes me feel invisible (and sad?). Sometimes I think it’s just Satan’s way discouraging us, and I try not to let it bother me.
Wade C. Davis January 27th, 2011 at 4:05 pm
Facebook (Fb) isn’t the problem. If you notice, (Fb) only magnified or exacerbated the problem that was already present. If Fb made them “sadder”, it’s only because they were sad to begin with, etc.

We live in a society where we want to mask the problem as opposed to seeking remediation. In other words, we throw muscle relaxers at our back aches and aspirin at our headaches. That’s not to say that if we lived a healthy lifestyle, that we’d never be sick or die - look at Jack LaLanne; a life of fitness didn’t prevent him from dying.

It is to say, however, that finding the cause of our sadness is imperative if we are to administer a competent cure. We live in a fallen world so we will have heartache, there’s not a lot we can do about that. Faith in Christ will not deliver us from problems, the Bible teaches the opposite, many times it brings suffering.

We mustn’t forget, however, that our identity is in Christ and that is where our full hope and trust lives. When we fully realize our true value that we have in Him, the all too perfect profiles on Fb will start to pale in comparison. Repenting and trusting in Christ will deliver those that suffer from Fb profile coveting.

Similar to identity problems that depressed individuals have when they look at Fb, the Church today suffers from an identity crisis. Unlike sad people looking at Fb, however, today’s church knows that its value is in Christ but it has forgotten the roles that it and its members of the body are suppose to assume.

The Church acting as a place of assembly is for the purpose of worship among believers. I’m not saying that a believer can’t bring a non-believer with him/her to a church service but let’s not forget that the service is for the believer and not so much for the non-believer. It is the congregants job to represent Christ and show the love of Christ through their actions so that they may be a witness to non-believers - let’s hope that this is taking place in our churches when non-believers visit.

Churches (as a place of worship), somehow, have forgotten the role as being a place to worship and have tried to assume the role of the members of the body and evangelize. We (the Church) should be going out into the world and delivering the Gospel and fulfilling the Great Commission - not the Church (a place of worship or a building on a well manicured ground).

It is because of this mistaken identity that you will not find mourning and lamenting in our modern Churches. The Church doesn’t want to scare away non-believers. For the sake of winning lost men, the Church no longer trusts in the saving power of God and has succumb to acts of pragmatism. Faith in Christ is not found through flag football, plays and rockin’ praise bands - faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God (Romans 10:17). Do we not believe this anymore? Why else is the Gospel watered down, preachers won’t preach about hell and you rarely hear anyone talk about “the blood”?

Let us encourage one another for the purpose of edifying the Church but let’s do it according to our instruction and not deviate from our instructions set out before us in the holy word.

Churches as a place to worship need to straighten up their act and stop imitating the world through all of their programs that are designed to tantalize the eyes and tickle the ears. The members of the body of the Church need to carry out the Great Commission to the best of their ability and make disciples so that the Church (a place of worship) can assume its proper role - right now it is distracted and trying to be a member of the body and neglecting its role of being a place of worship, etc.

May it all be for His glory,
Wade C. Davis
Michael of Clan Bernard January 27th, 2011 at 4:11 pm
BEWARE ICEBERGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The majority of iceberg mass floats well below the surface, even below the penetration of the light through the brine-laden freezing waters.

Facebook allows us all to see the 3% we so choose to share, that 3% of ice that looks pearly and crystalline below the suns rays and intimidating and formidable before the stormy tempests.

But it’s the 97% of the mass of the iceberg below the water’s surface that interfaces with the massively powerful flow of vast ocean currents, colliding with other icebergs, and being shaped by the powerful forces from the deep, dark, unknown places of the depths.

It seems we as a species are drawn to provocative and dreary media in the shock, doom and gloom style that so scintillates our psyches. Perhaps we like Facebook because it is an oasis away from news, politics, and financial reports. Maybe we want that shallow interaction that makes gives us surface-scratching hollowness. Seems better than peering through the news.

Let’s create a new website. Pastors and Preachers and Priests can all join in. We can call it GlumBook. Parameters for membership could be inclusive to only the darkest, weakest, most wretched souls who have no ambition for bleach-white teeth and $750,000 stock portfolios. We could all meet online and chat in misery about the despair of our very existence and the sad state of our golf game. Blah.

By the way, I love my rosy-polished profile on Facebook, despite my true self.

AHOY!
Stephen January 27th, 2011 at 4:23 pm
Many churches (and church leaders) pride themselves on being “authentic” when they are anything but. Cheery and chirpy isn’t authentic. We need a bit more Psalm 69 or Psalm 88 to go along with the happy-clappy, a bit more Ecclesiastes to go along with the proof texts of the preachers of success.
Dan Cole January 27th, 2011 at 5:06 pm
G’day all,

I wonder whether what’s picked up in this article is only half of what needs to be said. Definitely, we must be honest about our lives in whatever media we choose to employ in our communication of ourselves (whether FB or liturgy or talking face to face). We need to make sure that we are so infused with living in the grace of the Lord that we continue to mourn over our own sins, shortcomings and failures.

But doesn’t the grace of our Lord also shape us in another way? When we see others posting status updates about being really encouraged by others at church, or rejoicing every day in the Scriptures, or how they’re part of a dynamic growing church plant, our understanding of grace changes how we respond to. I know that far too often, I respond by being jealous (which I suspect is sitting right there with sadness) of what they are doing and what I’m not. However, when grace is brought into the equation, his grace is sufficient for me, and also for those one FB. Praise God that he graciously works such good things in the lives of my brothers and sisters.

By all means let’s be honest about how we’re going. But let’s also be honest about how we’re responding to those who only ever seem happy.

Dan
Scott Hooker January 27th, 2011 at 6:36 pm
This is a great article, especially about church being where we put on our best face, pretend everything’s alright, and don’t include the sorrows with the joys.

Especially the part about the Psalms reminded me quite a bit of this article by Carl Trueman a few years ago: http://tollelege.wordpress.com/2007/08/13/what-can-miserable-christians-sing-by-carl-r-trueman/
Nate Gordon January 28th, 2011 at 6:51 am
From the little I’ve seen, Facebook boils down to image control. This is why we all look happy on Facebook (or in the pew for that matter)–we’re the ones choosing the pictures and the status updates, we’re the ones choosing the chipper status updates…we desperately want people to think of us in a certain way.

There is such incredible freedom in deliberately living in a way so as to make the perception of who I am, and the reality of who I am be within spitting distance of each other.
Amy Timco January 28th, 2011 at 10:52 am
Interesting article. The thing is, I know people who have no inhibitions whatsoever about sharing their angst on Facebook, and I really do not think a public status is the place to bewail your job, spouse’s shortcomings, deepest personal si…ns, etc. It can so easily become just another attention-getter — oh look, So-And-So is feeling blue, let’s try to help her with perky messages about what a beautiful woman she is.

Sharing your tears and struggles on Facebook, being all raw and real sounds very well, but the reality is not so beneficial. Most of the time when I see people over-sharing like that, it’s all about them getting attention. And I find myself offering consolation/advice that is as cheap as the ploy they used to get it.

Just something to consider…
Mark Snoeberger January 28th, 2011 at 10:57 am
I remember thinking this very thing years ago when I opened our church’s then-new hymnal and saw that the line

“Teach me the patience of unanswered prayer.”

had been changed to

“Teach me the patience of unceasing prayer.”

The former matches reality, but it’s not a very cheery thought.
Jennifer January 28th, 2011 at 12:16 pm
I just read this out loud to my 2 teenage daughters! My oldest said, “I think I’ve heard something like that before.” Oh yes, that is my soapbox that I get on regularly. :) I love it that these things are apparently echoing in her head — hopefully they are stuck there!

I’m always grateful for an objective outsider whose words validate my own to my kids’ ears! Thanks so much, you said it better than I could.

Jennifer
Israel Sanchez January 28th, 2011 at 12:16 pm
I’m certainly glad that there are more voices out there saying something like this. And I’m referring to the Facebook sense of alienation, as well as the sugar-high churches.

I wrote something similar not long ago:

http://lovedoesntletgo.blogspot.com/2010/11/christians-do-suffer.html

And just something I find interesting, I just read an old article on Christianity Today that you wrote about adoption.
Scott Smith January 28th, 2011 at 12:18 pm
Great post!

On FB, and in our private circles for that matter, I think that *who* we are friends with makes a big difference. I have a lot of FB friends. I have hidden a handful of them that are occasionally course. I have hidden *far* more of them who are friends from church that are very plastic and cheery all the time. Drives me nuts.

I have had a far more fulfilling life (notice I didn’t just say “happy”) since I made the conscience decision to spend more time with honest, balanced people as opposed to those who feign humility, piety, happiness, etc.

Thanks for the great summary! I’ll be passing it on.
Dan January 28th, 2011 at 9:58 pm
Would have to say my most rewarding use of Fb is sharing excellent articles such as this one! Dr. Moore makes us think; I like that a lot.
Fylvia Fowler Kline January 28th, 2011 at 10:11 pm
Excellent post. The Facebook facade is probably very appealing to FB’s primary users, women between 30 and 50, many of whom feel the need to recreate themselves in the perspective of peers.
mary k January 28th, 2011 at 10:15 pm
Dr. Moore … an encouraging note for those of us “trudging in circles in desolate, forgotten corners” of the world :)

Suzannah Kiper in reply January 29th, 2011 at 12:08 am
Thank you, Dr. Moore! Beautifully written and very encouraging article. Thank you for your insights on this very timely subject.
Wendy Merdian January 29th, 2011 at 3:45 am
Dr. Moore, thanks for this reminder.

As an expat blogging believer living in Amman, Jordan, I have found facebook a place to be in fellowship with other believers all over the world. To be able to pray on the spot for real needs, to see my kids receive godly encouragement, be an example of true-faced Christianity before Muslim friends and now, to be a part of the anti-regime revolutions in our region, it is a joy. A tool for good.

FB is just a reflection of who we truly are. Let’s adjust our reflection to better mirror our Lord in ALL ways, on and off-line.

JAD in reply January 30th, 2011 at 10:01 am
@Wendy Merdian,

Thank you for reminding us of some of the benefits of our electronic age, particularly Facebook. Using social media tools such as FB can be a great source of communicating with missionaries who are thousands of miles away. I wish Dr. Moore would’ve pointed that out in his article. How many needs and prayer requests have been met by a congregation because of these “tools for good”?

Overall, though, good article by Dr. Moore. Bring on Psalm 88!
Sara Cappello January 30th, 2011 at 12:43 pm
I agree with the points made in this artice- it’s good to be reminded from time to time about our tendency to see the grass as greener….

That said, since this is a fallen world, what we get is a fallen Facebook. C’est la vie.
Ruth MacCarthaigh January 31st, 2011 at 12:22 pm
Good post. I linked it to my blog.
Happy Christian Woman February 1st, 2011 at 5:51 pm
I have nothing to complain about where FB is concerned and would never use that forum to vent. I am a singles leader and bible study teacher and when I need to be vulnerable, I do that with my leaders, not the general public.

I love the Lord and this life is gravy and icing; I have no reason to be unhappy. The joy of the Lord is my strength. Don’t get me wrong, though. When I get together with my ladies studies, we share and cry and repent and lay down our cares to Jesus.

I just don’t think FB is the place to do this. Wait for bible study or cell group or church service to lay bare your soul.
Beth Dawson February 2nd, 2011 at 5:49 pm
Interestingly, I have found that often the 12-step group I attend is more “real” than church. Seems like it’s for the very reason you talk about. Joys are shared, but so are sorrows, and the solution is always a spiritual one. There is a feeling of total empathy and acceptance, but there is also accountability.
Kelly Webster February 5th, 2011 at 8:35 pm
Very well put…..

“By not speaking, where the Bible speaks, to the full range of human emotion—including loneliness, guilt, desolation, anger, fear, desperation—we only leave our people there, wondering why they just can’t be “Christian” enough to smile through it all.”

I believe that many don’t share these other emotions with us because they will be met with a lack of compassion. We should always be ready to encourage the fainthearted with love. We should be ready to weep with those who weep and sometimes that requires silence (instead of solutions).
kazim khan March 17th, 2011 at 12:28 pm
their are 2 differnt worlds!!!
one is real life and other one is facebook life!!!
one showing himself too simple and cute in facebook may be a wretch or culprit in real life!!
facebook must only be used as a communication meidia and must not be taken otherwise!!!
Emily March 22nd, 2011 at 11:56 pm
Wow! I was just thinking on this tonight.

A few months back, I decided to leave my Facebook for a time, because of this very issue. I would get on and see how people that were once close to my life were continuing on. I felt like I was left in the dust, so I removed it.

I was reflecting on how I decided to leave because I was hoping that people would connect with me outside of FB, it hasn’t really happened.

I was reminded that my joy must not be circumstantial and not dependent on the people I’m around, or not around.

Anyway, it boils down to the fact that we must learn to set our hope in God.

Thanks for this.
Abigail March 23rd, 2011 at 11:28 pm
So glad to know that it’s not just me! I remember telling my husband just a few weeks ago that Facebook was depressing.
Jill Jones May 26th, 2011 at 8:10 am
Excellent points. I have also found on Facebook (and especially Twitter) if you are honest about your life and the way you feel, some will be critical and outright nasty. Being completely honest, open and vulnerable is how lasting relationships are formed. In our facebook/twitter world, people don’t want to have a relationship–they would rather measure importance by how many friends or followers they have.

Thank goodness God doesn’t measure us by how popular we are.

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