What the Puberty Talk Can Teach Us About Discipleship
— Monday, February 28th, 2011 —
A friend of mine is about to take his son on a road trip, to talk about the birds and the bees. His son, just a bit older than my boys, is within the horizon of hitting puberty. The father is going to get away with him on a retreat and talk about what’s going to be happening to him in a year or two, and how to handle these changes as a Christian. As I talked with my friend about his plans for the retreat, I wondered why this paradigm doesn’t continue in our churches throughout the Christian life.
Puberty is an awkward time. Most people, both men and women, will point to this stormy time in their lives with a mixture of embarrassment and cringing. Voices change. Hormones surge. The body seems to take on a mind of its own as it whirls out into some strange, anarchic wildness. We mostly block it out of our minds after we’re through it, but puberty is scary.
With puberty, most people these days are at least in some way prepared to know what to expect. A Christian mom will talk to her daughter about what a period is, and what to do when “it” happens. A Christian dad will talk to his son about sexual desire, even when that son is young enough that the very idea seems as repulsive to him as a scene from one of the “Alien” movies.
Parents do this because they know puberty is, literally, a crisis. It’s a turning point that brings unique temptations and tests. But it’s not the only such crisis. Every stage of life brings with it something comparable. Parents can demystify, to some degree, puberty because they’ve been through it themselves. They know the terrain, and they’re able to speak truthfully about what will happen. And so parents are able to say, “Trust me, a lot of strange things are about to start happening.”
Why don’t we do the same thing elsewhere in the life cycle, within the life of the church?
Why don’t our older women tell twenty-something young brides about the kind of isolation that can come with small children in the house? Why don’t our older men prepare our thirtysomethings for the testosterone drop that often prompts what we call a “midlife crisis”? Why can’t older women teach younger women how to handle the hormonal upheaval that can come with menopause, and how to go through it with Christlikeness? Why couldn’t the elderly in our congregations warn the younger generations about the pull toward bitterness or despondency or rage that can come with failing health or life in nursing homes?
In some congregations, of course, that kind of generational forewarning takes place, but I suspect it happens in far too few. I wonder what would happen if we started listening to one another about those temptations “common to man” (1 Cor. 10:13) at each stage of the life cycle. Perhaps then we would look more like the Book of Proverbs, a father warning his son of what’s to come (Prov. 5-7). And perhaps then we would look more like our Lord Jesus who spoke ahead of time to his disciples of the trouble that was to come (Jn. 14:29).
These kinds of conversations will be awkward, and they’ll entail some risk of embarrassment. But they’re no more awkward or embarrassing than the “puberty talk,” and we already know how to do that.
15 Responses to “What the Puberty Talk Can Teach Us About Discipleship”
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I agree with you about the need for these kinds of conversations in the church. I think one of the factors that prevents these kinds of conversations from taking place is the tendency to age-segregate the church.
In our church, we have six or seven age-segregated Sunday School classes for married adults (young marrieds w/o kids, young marrieds w/ young kids, marrieds w/ elementary-age kids, etc.) in addition to three age-segregated classes for single adults. This means that often times people don’t know very many other people in the church outside of their age bracket. And tragically, all of our “senior saints” are closeted together as if they have nothing to teach us 30-somethings. Sure, it’s “natural” for people in similar life stages to congregate together, but maybe it isn’t healthy in the church. In my opinion, this tendency to age-segregate the church has made it harder for older men & women to teach younger men & women.
This is why I am so saddened over the sunday school age grouping for classes. Age segregation is common enough in ‘real life’, espcially as women work away from home and men can’t take boys to work. Families live far from ‘home’ often and so there’s few family gatherings. I find there is almost no natural way for me as a 50something with grown kids to talk to young mothers. I can see the ‘mistakes’ they are making but there’s no relationship of trust or time to nurture them. I see lots of young moms having only thier peers to counsel them and it’s the blind leading the blind.
Church as family, extended across generations, is something to strive for and with so little time in everyone’s schedule, to miss the hour on Sunday where friendships might form seems so sad.
I SO very much agree with the previous comments and I love this post. We used to be in an age-segregated small group and enjoyed it very much, but for the past several years have been in one where the range is early 20’s to 60’s. I have been so SO thankful for the input of those a little farther down the road and also for the reminder of what it was like in those first few years when we were just starting to have kiddos.
I think another factor that contributes is the “boxing up” of the term mentoring or discipleship. It is not always (nor should it be) limited by the notion of needing to occur on a weekly basis in a formal setting.
Last year, I chronicled a bit about my own personal mentors and none of the scenarios is exactly alike. I think sometimes, especially when I was younger…I was looking for some sort of official “mentor” and I then missed seeing the very people, who God had placed directly in my path.
On a literal level–just started the “birds and the bees” conversations with our oldest. Wow. That’s awkward.
But so necessary.
http://thechuppies.blogspot.com/2010/05/thoughts-on-mentoring.html
When I was a new believer at the age of nine, I reached out to several older men in my church to disciple me–all through my high school and college years. The response I got was less than disappointing. When there was a response, the men who responded were eager, but completely unequipped–they didn’t know the Bible! Sad.
Trackback:
http://thechuppies.blogspot.com/2011/03/will-someone-please-tell-me-about-birds.html
Another area of generational forewarning? Older singles helping the younger singles through /that/ calling’s transitions. It’s not something that the marrieds can easily help with - though some of you may differ with that view - but the transitions are very real, and come with their own significant challenges.
What might I mean? Going from thinking, as late as about 40, “God has someone for me, as long as I trust in Him (or do the right thing(s)”, to “No, He does not, but I will continue to serve and worship Him”. Views?
Kara, I appreciated what you said about not missing out on the people God has put in your life who may not be “one-on-one” mentors, but are your spiritual influences anyway.
Coming from a wonderful church with a great discipleship program in the youth, I was very excited to find my new mentor in college and then as a young married woman. I soon found out that I would not always have “that” woman in my life, but needed to seek out advice from many older, godlier women.
Being a part of mulitigenerational groups was a huge help in naturally cultivating those relationships.
Ross, I think you have a very valid point. I know quite a few of my friends who would appreciate God-centered encouragement in their particular season of life. It would be difficult for me as a married woman (who has everything that they are longing for) to come alongside them and remind them that God is good to them as well, simply in a different way. It would be much more encouraging to have someone who has been there and is joyfully living out their calling come alongside them. Though, that doesn’t mean we should ever neglect those we don’t feel we have much in common with. We all have the Word of God which is profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.
I so agree that as a church body we have failed so many who desire and need to be truly dicipled. WE put them in a SS class and hope that they will get what they need. Dicipleship can be costly and timely and sometime a dirty job. We are many believers are willing pay the cost. The result is a struggling body of Christians needing to truly be dicipled. Why dont we see that Christ was all about investing in the lives of His diciples. I’m sure there were times He would have liked to be doing something else ,but instead He sacraficially gave His life daily to investing in His diciples. He knew the importance of training these men of God so they could become mighty forces in furthering His kingdom long after He was gone. Forgive us Lord for failing you in this way.
Did the talk with my oldest son several months ago. My efforts were met with intense rejection on his part. He did not want to have the discussion. I had to force myself to do it and force him to listen. Not physically force, but I had to be persistent to make it happen. Carrying out your analogy, maybe we don’t have these other talks because we don’t want to listen or the person trying to talk to us is met with fatiguing resistance.