Remember the Infertile on Mother’s Day
— Thursday, May 5th, 2011 —
Mother’s Day is a particularly sensitive time in many congregations, and pastors and church leaders often don’t even know it. This is true even in congregations that don’t focus the entire service around the event as if it were a feast day on the church’s liturgical calendar. Infertile women, and often their husbands, are still often grieving in the shadows.
It is good and right to honor mothers. The Bible calls us to do so. Jesus does so with his own mother. We must recognize though that many infertile women find this day almost unbearable. This is not because these women are (necessarily) bitter or covetous or envious. The day is simply a reminder of unfulfilled longings, longings that are good.
Some pastors, commendably, mention in their sermons and prayers on this day those who want to be mothers but who have not had their prayers answered. Some recognize those who are mothers not to children, but to the rest of the congregation as they disciple spiritual daughters in the faith. This is more than a “shout-out” to those who don’t have children. It is a call to the congregation to rejoice in those who “mother” the church with wisdom, and it’s a call to the church to remember those who long desperately to hear “Mama” directed at them.
What if pastors and church leaders were to set aside a day for prayer for children for the infertile?
In too many churches ministry to infertile couples is relegated to support groups that meet in the church basement during the week, under cover of darkness. Now it’s true that infertile couples need each other. The time of prayer and counsel with people in similar circumstances can be helfpul.
But this alone can contribute to the sense of isolation and even shame experienced by those hurting in this way. Moreover, if the only time one talks about infertility is in a room with those who are currently infertile, one is probably going to frame the situation in rather hopeless terms.
In fact, almost every congregation is filled with previously infertile people, including lots and lots who were told by medical professionals that they would never have children! Most of those (most of us, I should say) who fit into that category don’t really talk about it much because they simply don’t think of themselves in those terms. The baby or babies are here, and the pain of the infertility has subsided. Infertile couples need to see others who were once where they are, but who have been granted the blessing they seek.
What if, at the end of a service, the pastor called any person or couple who wanted prayer for children to come forward and then asked others in the congregation to gather around them and pray? Not every person grappling with infertility will do this publicly, and that’s all right. But many will. And even those too embarrassed to come forward will be encouraged by a church willing to pray for those hurting this way. The pastor could pray for God’s gift of children for these couples, either through biological procreation or through adoption, whichever the Lord should desire in each case.
Regardless of how you do it, remember the infertile as the world around us celebrates motherhood. The Proverbs 31 woman needs our attention, but the 1 Samuel 1 woman does too.
30 Responses to “Remember the Infertile on Mother’s Day”
Trackbacks
- Morning Coffee | Desiring Virtue
- Combing the Net – 5/6/2011 « Honey and Locusts
- Infertility and Mother’s Day – Justin Taylor
- Family Dynamics and Mothers | The Compelling Parade
- » Friday Round Up Effectual Grace
- A Quiet Heart… » Friday Favorites
- This Sunday at High Pointe – Hopeful, Holy Christians, part 2 (1 Peter 1:13-2:3) :: Straight to the Heart
- The Pain of Mothers Day | stoneheartflesh
- Links of the Week « My World
- » This Mother’s Day Weekend Effectual Grace
- Mother’s Day for the Childless «
- Mother’s Day Links « Gripped by the Gospel
- Friday Headlines & Links - Shane Raynor
- No dia das mães, para aquelas que gostariam de ser mães « Conexão Conselho Bíblico
- Mother’s Day For The Rest Of Us « Hoping in God
- What I Learned In Church Yesterday | The Bible Christian
- Über Muttertag und unerfüllte Wünsche - Hanniel bloggt.
- Balancing Act: Part 1 « Regina Gibson
One thing I really appreciate about my church (Bethlehem Baptist in Minneapolis) is the way they recognise that Mother’s Day is a painful day for some.
Throughout the year, red roses (displayed on the piano and given to parents at child dedications) are used to recognise children born and adopted in the church, but on Mother’s Day, a large container of white roses is up front specifically for people who are hurting.
In previous years, I have not gone up to get a rose, but it has always encouraged me on one of the hardest days of the year.
Such kindness in this post…
And such a good reminder for when I let a complaining (oh-go-ahead-and-just-call-it-sinful) heart take hold…about how tired I am with all my kids and all…blah…blah…blah…
Well-this stops me in my tracks.
Oh the blessing and the thankfulness of a mommy with little ones.
And how right and compassionate to remember those who are still longing and praying for that desire fulfilled.
This was such a good stop-and-remember-post.
Thank you.
Well-put. And don’t forget single women who would love to have their own children - their emotions are a ditto to what you describe.
@Ross Clark, thanks for adding that. One of the harshest things a person can say to a single woman is, “Why don’t you want to get married/have children?” without knowing her story. Too many people assume because we’re single, it’s by choice. For some women, it might be, but even then, it’s not something to judge. For me as well as for many others, it’s by circumstance. We would love to have families, but for a reason we don’t yet know, we haven’t been blessed in that way. In the meantime, I get to enjoy “aunthood” to friends’ children, hoping in some way, I can be a positive influence on them. Oh, another thing, parents. Please never say to a woman without children, “You wouldn’t understand a mother’s love.” We don’t need another reminder of “otherness,” and you might be surprised how much we do understand it.
Thanks for these comments, Tammy. Amen.
Thank you for this. It can be a very painful day. I’ve been through the infertility years. Now this year will be my first Mother’s Day without my mom. I’m also thinking of moms who have lost children. It’s a wonderful day to celebrate, but not everyone can.
Well said, Dr. Moore. Thank you.
My wife and I have been unable to have children and so I am very grateful for such a pastorally sensitive post.
Pastors, if there are two things I would add they would be as follows. First, please avoid making a distinction between mothers and non-mothers in a physical way (e.g. having all the moms stand up or giving flowers to all the moms). I well remember sitting in a Father’s Day service where all the dads were asked to stand. I felt like there was a huge neon sign over me that kept flashing “not able to have kids, not able to have kids”. My wife felt it keenly as well: she began to weep. The most pastorally sensitive leaders I know avoid this like the plague. Instead, they acknowledge the day and proceed to pray earnestly for the full range of emotions that are being experienced on that day (since it is often quite painful, not just for those unable to have kids, but for those estranged from their moms, those moms who are estranged from their kids, those who have recently lost a mother, etc.).
This leads to the second thing. As Moore indicates, it is important to recognize that there are many conflicting emotions going on during a Mother’s Day service. It is crucially important to pastor all the people through that time. Here is the prayer I would offer on Mother’s Day:
Heavenly father, on a day like Mother’s Day there are so many different emotions that we bring to you.
Some of us bring emotions of deep gratitude and joy for the mothers you have blessed us with, mothers who have
loved us,
cared for us,
walked with us
and taught us how to live well.
We praise you for such love shown to us through our moms and we pray for all those who are moms, that you would give them:
strength where they are weak,
wisdom where they are unsure,
patience with the many demands placed upon them,
faith in your care for them and their families,
and love – deep love – for those whom you have given them to nurture.
Others of us bring emotions of sadness and pain. Some of us are saddened because our relationship with our mom is not easy, or was not easy, or perhaps never existed at all. Please
meet us in our pain,
heal our hearts where they are wounded,
soften our hearts where they are hardened,
and enable us to forgive and to love even those who have hurt us.
Others of us are saddened because we long to be moms, long to have children, and yet are not able to do so. Father of mercies,
give us comfort in our sadness,
trust in you despite unfulfilled longings,
and joy in knowing that you never stop loving us or having our best in mind.
We pray these things to you as our Father, who loved us before the world began, and will love us forevermore.
In Jesus’ name, amen!
Thank you for this. Since it wasn’t the Lord’s plan for us to have children, I’ve comforted myself with “Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?”(Genesis 18:25) and the blessing of spiritual children (Isaiah 54:1). I now receive Mother’s Day cards from my “kids”, but I remember the pain of those Sundays when I was just reminded of what I didn’t have. Thanks again.
Thank you for this post. If all pastors would remember the couples hurting on Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.
Mother’s Day was always the Sunday I dreaded going to church. So many times I sat crying as silent tears as I could while others were praised for their fertility.
Even now, as an adoptive parent, I still cry and mourn for the inability of never feeling my children in my body. And most of all for those ladies that sit in the pews silently crying inside or outside knowing they won’t have a little one to hold their hand on this special day or to hand them the roses that are passed out. All women should be honored on this special day, God bless the pastors that will remember them all on this Sunday.
//What if, at the end of a service, the pastor called any person or couple who wanted prayer for children to come forward and then asked others in the congregation to gather around them and pray?//
The late John Wimber used to do this; in that he had a knack for praying for women who could not conceive, that they would do so. Many children were born as a result. I know that praying directly for [miraculous] healing is not exactly a Baptist thing, but it’s worth a shot!
This is very moving, and I do often think about women who aren’t able to celebrate Mother’s Day when it comes around.