Don’t Adopt!
— Wednesday, October 12th, 2011 —
If you want your “dream baby,” do not adopt or foster a child: buy a cat and make-believe. Adopting an orphan isn’t ordering a consumer item or buying a pet. Such a mindset hurts the child, and countless other children and families. Adoption is about taking on risk as cross-bearing love.
For years, I’ve called Christian churches and families to our James 1:27 mandate to care for widows and orphans in their distress, to live out the adoption we’ve received in the gospel by adopting and fostering children. At the same time, I’ve maintained that, while every Christian is called to care for orphans and widows, not every Christian is called to adopt or foster. As a matter of fact, there are many who, and I say this emphatically, should not.
Love of any kind brings risk, and, in a fallen world, brings hurt. Simeon tells our Lord’s mother, the Blessed Virgin Mary, that a sword would pierce her heart. That’s true, in some sense, for every mother, every father. Even beyond that, every adoption, every orphan, represents a tragedy. Someone was killed, someone left, someone was impoverished, or someone was diseased. Wrapped up in each situation is some kind of hurt, and all that accompanies that. That’s the reason there really is no adoption that is not a “special needs” adoption; you just might not know on the front end what those special needs are.
We live in a time in which our commitments have become the opportunity often for simply a narcissistic self-realization. Weddings have become events for planners and photographers putting on what seems to be a state dinner honoring the “love of the couple.” Children often become props in a life of parents who are seeking to grasp whatever they believe the world owes them. It’s easier to pull off that kind of an illusion of self-centrality with your engagement photos and wedding party than it is with children, though. Children are alive. Children are persons, with individuality that can’t ultimately be suppressed. Children, of all sorts, are, by definition, unpredictable. Children shatter your life-plan. Adoption certainly does.
It’s worth it.
But Jesus tells us we ought to know that a king going into battle must measure his troops, a tower-builder must count the expenses of the project (Lk. 14:28-31). Those who see adoption as a warm, sentimental way of having a baby are mistaken and dangerous. There are far too many who plunge in without counsel, without a commitment to fidelity no matter what. They search around for a baby who fits their specifications. And babies never fit your specifications…at least not when they grow up.
If what’s behind all of this isn’t crucified, war-fighting, eyes-open commitment, you are going to wind up with a child who is twice orphaned. He or she will be abandoned the first time by fatherlessness and the second time by the rejection of failing to live up to the expectations of parents who had no business imposing such expectations in the first place.
We need a battalion of Christians ready to adopt, foster, and minister to orphans. But that means we need Christians ready to care for real orphans, with all the brokenness and risk that comes with it. We need Christians who can reflect the adopting power of the gospel, which didn’t seek out a boutique nursery but a household of ex-orphans who were found wallowing in our own blood, with Satan’s genes in our bloodstreams.
If what you like is the idea of a baby who fulfills your needs and meets your expectations, just buy a cat. Decorate the nursery, if you’d like. Dress it up in pink or blue, and take pictures. And be sure to have it declawed.
62 Responses to “Don’t Adopt!”
Trackbacks
- Don’t Adopt | Engendo
- When You Shouldn’t Adopt – Justin Taylor
- Russell Moore on Adoption | TransformingWords
- Widows & Orphans in their AFFLICTION - « bryanlopez.com | something to chew on.
- “Adoption is about taking on risk as cross-bearing love.” Russell Moore « The Works of God
- When I Should Not Be a Foster Parent | Special Needs Adoption
- » Blog Archive » Should Christians Adopt
- Don’t Adopt – Russell Moore - Uncategorized - - A Pauper in the Court of the King
- Don’t Adopt! | africabound
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- For religious people … « International Adoption Reader
Outstanding; wise.
An otherwise fine article with a most unhappy conclusion. At the risk of being accused of sidetracking the post, allow me to plead against the cruel practice of declawing cats. In order to accomplish this, the cat has to have the distal phalanx of each front toe amputated–the equivalent of having each of your fingers amputed at the first joint. Not only does this rob the cat of one of its natural defenses it makes it extremely difficult for the cat to climb a tree or other structure to get out of danger.
Just as there are sometimes burdens associated with adoption of children the prospective cat owner has to deal with the claws. There are far more productive and humane ways than declawing.
@Ken Abbott, Yes, you’re side tracking it, you’re also missing the point that people who are self-centered can’t even adopt a cat whole into their lives, because living creatures don’t do what we want them to.
With respect, I am not missing the point. I am fully aware of what RM was trying to communicate. I believe, however, that he used an unfortunate example. Cat declawing should never be advocated or practiced.
@Ken Abbott, he was not advocating it at all. He used the declawing remark in a sarcastic tone to indicate that if you want something that’s going to be perfectly submissive and acquiesce to your desires then you should get a cat but you’d better get it declawed or else you might get scratched in the process of trying to make it conform.
@Ken Abbott, You totally sidetracked. We’re talking cats and we’re talking children. As an adoptive parent who has dealt with the enormous joys and challenges of adopting, I appreciate Moore’s commentary. There are a number of important issues in his piece here and he’s done an outstanding job. Cats and declawing is not one of the important issues. I like cats. But I don’t think cruelty to cats is a headline issue. The issues around orphans is and I appreciate the way Moore dealt with it.
I would rather have my cat declawed than have a cat die because I couldn’t “adopt” it. I will not allow a cat with claws into my house. I have, however, “adopted” numerous cats over the years and they all seem(ed) very happy to have a home. Our cats are/were all indoors only after declawing which was done when they were young. They had no need for the claws for defense or climbing trees.
I am grandmother to 3 adopted children. These little ones are being raised in a Christian home, without any other siblings. They are from different countries and are loved and nurtured. I couldn’t love them more!
But I agree that not everyone should adopt. Some just don’t get it. Some are not called to it. Some just are bad parents, period.
Love that you mention that we can all minister to orphans (and widows, if I could add that part of it!) Contributing to the care of orphans is being hugely responsible to the sadness of this worldwide problem. It can ease the work load of those working on the field with the children-and can help in many other ways too numerous to mention.
I am a therapist who is a believer, an adoptive parent of foster children, and also work with children who have suffered through trauma, I agree with the spirit of this article. All are called to pray, a few to adopt, and all to offer support to the families who are called to adopt. It can be a rough road. God gives wisdom , guidance and strength to these parents. My 3 children have become christians. Thank you for your words!
Thank you Russell for your insight. What would you suggest in order to prepare for adoption, to people called to adopt?
Powerful post!
Are people really getting bent out of shape over the “de-claw” comment. Seriously? *facepalm*
This is a fantastic article. Thank you for making some great points.
Could you also use this argument to say that couples should not have children naturally?
if you’re going to argue that parents who adopt should do it seriously lest they bring about suffering for their adopted child, then surely the same argument applies to having children naturally.
@One Salient Oversight, Yes.
I really enjoyed this article, but I disagreed with one thing: ALL Christians are called to adopt. The reason that not all SHOULD is because of the sinfulness of their own hearts, NOT because it isn’t something the church is called to. Adopting is not like a vocational call where some are called to be teachers, evangelists and so forth; instead it is the responsibility of the church to adopt children that have no homes.
I think there are some similarities to giving o our money in a local church. ALL are called to do this, but if you can’t do it with a cheerful, sacrificial heart then you have missed the point and should NOT give! If you cannot adopt children with the heart God adopts us as his sons and daughters, then you should repent and ask God to reveal to you the way in which your heart does not match His. All of the church is called to adopt. It is the sinfulness of our own hearts that keeps us from fulfilling this call.
@Gabe Davis,
i disagree. the bible calls all Christians to care for orphans. there are several way to do that, and adoption is only one way.
@Gabe Davis,
Speaking strictly for myself, I also must disagree. I am 68 years old, and I believe I would be a fool to start adoption proceedings at this point in my life. However, my heart is very much led to adoptions, especially international adoptions, especially to international special-needs adoptions. Should I not pray for them to find families? Should I not support financially those who are led to offer their homes and their lives to unclaimed children? I do both. It is not much, but it is all I have to offer at this time.
@Gabe Davis, i disagree. you might as well say that ALL christians are called to pastor or preach or lead worship or go to foreign countries to mission!
we are all different parts of the same body. let each function as they feel called.
Amen and Amen. Thank you Dr. Moore.
I, too, answered the call to “care for widows and orphans” and became a foster parent. We adopted two boys {not siblings} three years apart KNOWING they would face many challenges as babies born to drug addicted mothers. Eleven years later we learned one of them has FAS. He will NEVER live alone or be able to fully care for himself. That’s OK, we can do this. Phil 4:6 Now we want to add a girl to the mix and have been seeing many “Second Chance” children. This is even more sad than the first abandonment, as the second home made the choice to adopt the child. As important as the message is the truth of the matter is ALL, and I mean EVERY SINGLE child over the age of three in foster care or waiting somewhere in the world will have Reactive Attachment Disorder. Unfortunately adoptive parents are not fully trained to understand this. Excellent article!!!
@Jacquelyn Goad, I fully agree w/Dr. Moore’s article. Both our boys came to us through foster care at ages 3 & 4. While we have worked on attachment and things have not been simple, I don’t thinks saying that every single child will have RAD is an accurate statement. We have not seen this with our boys. This is not to say that attachment has been simple or easy. People need to be aware that RAD or attachment issues will be a part of adopting a child, especially an older one but not everyone will have the full-set of issues of RAD.
@Jacquelyn Goad,
Jacquelyn,
are you adopting through foster care again?
Could you email me?
@Jacquelyn Goad,
It is not true that every adopted/foster child over 3 will have RAD. We adopted 2 sisters from Africa, bringing them home at 6 and 9. The younger sister has severe RAD, while the older sister has transitioned beautifully for the past 3 years.
Dear Russell,
Thank you for this article. I do agree with your objective. I do suggest some additional thought on the below points. As an educator, I’ve never met a child who did not have special needs. As an adult and a Christian, I’ve never met a person who did not have unique issues of the heart. That is why Christ leaves us with specific instructions on what love is. It is far from just feelings. When we have decided to give the commitment of love, there will be heartbreak but there is joy too. In any situation…. with marriage, friendship, children, and our animals. There is not an escape this side of heaven.
Thank you Dr. Moore!!
I am part of a team starting a ministry in Delaware to help stir The Church to care for this desperately needy portion of society.
How do we get permission to include this into our educational material?
Like others, my lovely wife and I are blessed to have three of our four children come to us through adoption.
I so appreciate this post…
We’ve adopted twice (and also have 3 biological kiddos).
When people ask, I often share…the real question that matters is:
“Is God telling us to do this?”
Because there is no promise that it will be easy or care-free or that it will be immediately (on even long-term-ly) rewarding in this world.
But no matter what you face down the road of adoption…if you know clearly that you’ve stepped forward in His will, you can rest in that….cling to Him…trust Romans 8:28 &29 in your life and lives.
Our first adopted child died from the disease Pompe. Our second adopted child has been God’s gift of JOY after deep grief.
We know that both gifts came from Him…for our good, His glory.
What a great article. We have adopted a total of 10 children. We have a variety of diagnosis and challenges. We have had schizophrenic, bi-polar, ADD, ADHD, OCD, ODD, RAD, FASD, PTSD. They are all just our children. We have learned to look for the small blessings in every day. When we get up and no one has wet the bed that night it is a blessing. Our biggest challenge is our daughter we adopted at 5 she is now 11 and diagnosed with RAD. We have had our fourth therapist tell us to find someone else I can do nothing more for her. Repeatedly we are told to place her in an RTC that she will not be better ever. But we have made a commitment to her and to God and continue to love her and look for the small blessings in every day.
We will be adopting #11 and 12 after the first of the year!
I am the mother of no biological children, but one beautiful daughter from China who is 9 and one mulatto soon-to-be-daughter who is 3. The road has been unbelievably hard. All dreams of mine about how my children were going to be have been shattered. I see daily how hard it is to live out the realities of a child abandoned at birth and living within a family who looks nothing like her and the horrible realities of raising a child from the foster system. It is truly tragic and my girls are really on the very tame side of the spectrum. It is a calling and one that I feel unworthy of daily. I applaud the brutality of this article. It must be said from experience. And about the cat’s? For mercy’s sake, there really are people who take the time to read the article and only come away with “what about the cat’s right?”. Seriously, get a real life. I have an adopted cat, too. He’s declawed and completely happy. So is our adopted deaf dog. Thank you, Mr. Moore.
@PandaMom, Love you, your heart and your story :) God is good….always.
@PandaMom,
Mulatto? Surely you realise that many black and biracial people reject the term because of its association with slavery and colonial and racial oppression, preferring terms such as “mixed”, “biracial.
I find it very offensive.
Very true post.
Profound wisdom and most of all, honesty.
Thank you for such an honest and loving post Dr. Moore. A lot of people don’t have enough love to be this honest. Adoption should be done out of love…selfless love like that of Christ and not love of self, seeking to fulfill narcissistic desires and hopes of vain photo ops.
God bless,
W.
I agree with the commenters who note that a parent expecting to have a “dream baby” will be disappointed, whether the baby entering their lives is through adoption or otherwise, BUT I do think that Dr. Moore still has a good reason for highlighting adoption in this regard: in that adopting parents who have some choice over the children they are adopting may be tempted to feel that this element of choice somewhat entitles them to a “dream baby,” AND there is a greater danger (as we saw with the tragic situation with the returned Russian boy last year) that parents expecting a “dream child” through adoption may not make except the necessary parent/child connection.
So, a “disrupted adoption” is what they call it. So then what is it called when you decide that your birth children are not a good match for your family? Do you give them back? And if you give a biological child back, who do you give him/her back too?
I think that we all ought to give our children back. Back to God and trust Him that He will give us the grace we need to parent each and every one of them.
From the beginning of our first adoption process 9 years ago, my husband and I knew that all our future children, whether biological or adopted, are our children no matter how they joined our family. Once they are home, it’s like birthing a baby and bringing them home from the hospital. There is no going back to the way things were before.
I have to comment on just a few of the previous comments. First of all, I quite enjoyed the article. Knee-deep in foster adoption classes, I cringed to hear an adopted child’s story about how she KNEW she was the second, third, maybe even fourth plan for a couple that could not conceive. She said they KNEW that the family was only taking her in because they couldn’t have their own children.
Thinking of that girl, I understand your abrupt command to get that placid kitten and enjoy it.
I also have to comment on untangling the Christmas tree lights a strand at a time.
I URGE you to stop with the untangling of the lights, sit back and enjoy the sparkling of difference once in awhile, otherwise, by the time you finish untangling the strand, you will have lost a bulb and the entire strand will be without light.
@Sarah Cheadle,
I appreciate your comment. I am the untangling christmas light’s girl. :)
We very MUCH enjoy our children,all of them. I was using that as a visual to understand that our children are intricately COMPLICATED. Not that I am trying to fix them. :) And you proved that point in how gentle and careful you must be, lest you lose a bulb and they lose their light.
I am glad you are in classes and wish you well. Stop over and visit my blog or my girl’s blogs any time.
What an amazing article. Thank you for telling the truth. I have been speaking this same truth to potential adoptive parents for several years. Adoption is a calling and if you aren’t called don’t do it. My husband and I have adopted 6 children and we have been blessed beyond measure with all 8 of our children. We have 11 grandchildren, 3 of whom are adopted. If I had it to do all over again I would do the same thing. I have learned that daily I must die to self, not always an easy thing and help them heal. Adoption is a journey as a family put together by God. I can’t imagine my life without them. I have seen too many families not ready for the battle that have given up and caused deeper pain and sorrow in their children by placing them back in the system to wait again for a a family. Children are not puppies!
I am a mom of four biological children. I had quadruplets in 2004. They were born at 28 weeks, and all of them were in critical condition for 3-4 months. One of our daughters did not survive the trauma of being born too early. At two points in the neonatal process, the doctors informed us that there was “nothing else that could be done” for two of our struggling babies. Our son had a severe brain hemorrhage and our daughter lost much oxygen, and the doctors warned us to “be prepared to take home a child with special needs”.
Our children, the three that survived, did not come home with special needs. In fact, they are all thriving and meeting expected developmental milestones. Yet, we believe that God prepared us to parent a child with special needs, and we want to be able to do that through the process of adoption. We recently began the journey of adopting a girl with cerebral palsy from China, but realized quickly that we do not have the funds to do this on our own. This is the frustrating part: We know, to some extent, while not specifically in our future-daughter’s case, what “special needs” looks like. I have twin brothers that have special needs, adopted at six years old, after they had been severely neglected, and physically and sexually abused. We both worked in adult foster care, where we cared for ten adults with developmental disabilities. And we are prepared to respond in love and faithfulness to whatever special needs our adopted child would have….Our struggle is not lack of knowledge or concern….our struggle is financial.
My husband is a pastor of a small church in northern MI and I am just beginning a part-time job in counseling. We began the process, and then…..quickly realized how many funds are required in the process of adoption, and we just can’t do it on our own. We will continue to look for sources to fund this adoption, but it is so frustrating to know that so many children needing a forever family are waiting….not for parents that are willing, but for parents who are financially able. Dr. Moore (or readers), can you suggest steps to take in raising funds for adoption in this failing economy?
@karla foisy,
Karla, bless you! 3 out of 4 of our sons were born between 28 and 30 weeks. (30 years ago) It is AMAZING they survived. One of our boys has cerebral palsy because of a massive brain bleed.
To raise funds many people are having silent auctions on their blogs. They are having all church garage sales, setting up etsy shoppes. They are also setting up pay pal type accounts on their blogs for donations. There are also grants available from different organizations. Reece’s Rainbow, and Shanonaya’s hope. (Steven Curtis Chapman’s organization)
@karla foisy, Mostly through adoption grants, and secondly through fundraising with a little from private donations, God has helped us raise over $32,000.00 to adopt our special needs daughter from China. God makes money a non-issue. Remember your Father owns the cattle on a thousand hills!
@karla foisy, There are many children that need homes that are already in the United States and not in the foster care system. They have been adopted by parents who are unable to parent them and their adoptive parents are seeking new homes for them. It is called Adoption Dissolution, but most people call it Adoption Disruption. It is a private adoption, and costs very little money. Please don’t let finances stop you. You will need to get an independent home study and pay a lawyer for court proceedings. There is plenty to say about those who choose to disrupt, but the bottom line is that there are hurting families with hurting children that will be put into the foster care system unless we step up to claim them for Christ. If interested, search Yahoo! Groups for the term. God bless you for your obedience and faithfulness.
I can so relate to everything you’ve pointed out. I have 3 birth children, have adopted 2 children and am fostering 2 more precious ones I hope to adopt soon. Adoption is a wonderful blessing, but has to be the most challenging thing we’ve ever done in our lives. The joy and blessings far outweigh the sacrifices and struggles we’ve been through, though. Our family has grown in more ways than just number. And, yes, adoption is hard, but worth every effort and will change lives from every direction in so many positive ways.
Although I concur with Russell’s premise that prospective adoptive parents need to go into the adoption process with both eyes wide open, I would broaden that to include parenting in general. If you don’ have the requisite wisdom and maturity to be a parent, it does not matter if the child is adopted or biological in origin, you will have struggles as a parent. Self-centeredness of any kind in parenthood and successful child rearing just do not mix. In fact, God uses parenthood to wean us from our selfishness to teach us other-centeredness, which is at the very heart of our giving God.
That the adopted child can be classified as special needs largely depends on the circumstances that the child came out of and their age at the time of adoption. A baby or young infant will manifest fewer latent issues than a child age 2 and up and far fewer than an older adopted child, again making allowances for their previous circumstances. The 8 year old boy I met in a Mennonite group home in Romania who had witnessed his father brutally murdering and dismembering his mother will certainly have deeper issues to be dealt with than a baby compassionately left by his mother at a hospital who is adopted early in life.
God uses adoption as a way to create families which might not otherwise exist, as in the case of couples who want children but are unable to conceive. Such was the case with my wife and I. Our two adopted children are wonderful beyond words and neither has had any serious developmental issues that we have had to deal with. Certainly not to the point of classifying them as “special needs”, a moniker that implies a defect of some kind that has to be lived with requiring inordinate attention to that child for the rest of their life. That is true perhaps of some adopted children out of high risk situations. It is not true of all adopted children however. Not all adoption is a “ministry” as such. Some are and those that undertake that calling need to be prepared for the journey that they are embarking on. Others are not, but are rather a Biblically metaphorical way of creating good, strong, safe, and secure loving families. That Russell would paint adoption with such a broad brush laden with the pigment of negative connotation is disingenuous and a bit reckless of him in his counsel in my informed opinion.
Adoption is a beautiful picture of the everlasting love of our Heavenly Father and understanding it can help even those who do not adopt to better understand their adoptedness and the process of growing up in the Lord, in which we all are in process.
For more on this please see my blog at:
http://www.theupwardcallofgod.wordpress.com and my post entitled “Longingly Awaiting Our Adoption”. God bless!