Should I Marry a Man with Pornography Struggles?
— Monday, October 17th, 2011 —
Below is the latest “Questions and Ethics” query. Help me answer this question by telling me your thoughts in the comments. I’ll weigh in later. And remember to send me your real-life ethical dilemma to questions@russellmoore.com.
Dear Dr. Moore,
In the middle of my premarital counseling with our pastor, I found out that my fiance has had, what he calls, ongoing struggles with pornography. I was kind of floored by this because I hadn’t known anything about it until now. One of the things that drew me to this man was his call to gospel ministry.
I remember your question you answered earlier about finding out about a future spouse’s past, but this, to me, is a little further down the road in the process and more is immediately at stake. Can you help me know what to do? Should I just go forward, or what? How will I know that this is sufficiently addressed? And I don’t have much time because the wedding is right around the corner.
Sincerely,
Engaged and Confused
My $.02:
It all hinges on what he means by “ongoing struggles with pornography”.
Depending on the context, I would have to confess that I have ongoing struggles with pornography.
What this does NOT mean is that I look at pornography on a regular basis, and I just can’t seem to kick it.
What this does mean is that I consider the incredibly easy access to pornography to be one of the greatest temptations that I am up against on a regular basis, and I never feel that I have ‘overcome’ this temptation. I was border-line addicted in the past, and I now require multiple safe-guards around my life to ensure that it doesn’t have any power of me or my marriage.
Nevertheless, because I have attacked this stronghold, I no longer feel that it has any power over me, and I do not feel that I am in any kind of bondage to it.
My wife knows all of this and I don’t think she would say that it has any negative influence on our marriage.
So, anyways, the point is: it depends on what he means….
I need to know more what ‘on-going struggles’ means. Does that mean that there is on-going victory or on-going defeat? Who knows about his struggles? How deep to they run? The problem with this scenario are the various shades of gray that porn issues have.
I need to know details. Is it homosexual porn? Does anyone know about it (time to slow down if ‘you’re the first person I’ve ever told…..’)? What are you doing to stop? Tell me how much victory you’ve had over it. Why is it just coming up now? How bad was it when you were up to your neck in it?
Maybe he has three guys in his life holding him accountable and he hasn’t looked at porn in 6 months, but the temptation is always there- that would seem like a green light.
There isn’t enough information. Unfortunately, there may need to be a postponement- if not cancellation altogether.
I have a lot more to say- I’m cutting myself off.
Surely it depends a lot on if me man is active in repentance and accountability, seeking after the Lord and reconciliation through the whole process. If it means he regularly stumbles and feels bad, that’s a huge problem. But if it’s rare and based on former huge problems that he’s actively repenting of and being helped through, I think it’s hard to say “don’t marry him”.
Hard question.
Dear Engaged and Confused,
The answer to your question is one of a little complexity without details. As a man who struggled with this my whole life and only gained steadfast victory a few months before marriage, I deeply understand this problem.
First off I would say that a lot of your proceeding steps towards marriage depend upon your fiances attitude, openness and progress towards obedience. My definitive answer is that this man must have self-control in this area before you get marriage. Yet There are many steps which must take place in order to gain even the hope to overcome. In my case I had tried everything to overcome yet still lived in despair.Then through a program called (http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/) I gained hope that God could truly help me overcome. But this program WILL NOT cure your fiance from his addiction YET it will lead him to JESUS. It is and online accountability program which is free and leads him through a devotion that teaches him truths to overcome. I am now married and have been for 1 and a half years. I am living in true hope and freedom from pornography. Jesus satisfies my desires and truly gave me thru his Holy spirit the ability to overcome.
But once again I believe your future husband must have and attitude of humility and a desire to seek Jesus to overcome this idol in His heart. You should NOT marry him if he is not free from a viewing of it and finding real hope in Jesus. I will pray for you in this time. But also realize that temptation and struggle will still attack his heart after marriage, yet thru Jesus and your help he can living truly free in a life of obedience to Jesus.
I hope this helped. I will be praying for you!
In Christ,
Joshua Brown
“I just found it,” and, “I was floored.” We are talking about a lifelong commitment to someone. What else might you not know? It is an issue of integrity, not just pornography. You are at a point where this issue should have been disclosed. I would have reservations.
@Carrie, This is exactly what I was going to say. The struggle itself is obviously common, but not knowing about it yet seems dangerous.
I am really looking forward to hearing your counsel on this matter, Dr. Moore. This issue affects so many women today (either because the man they love is struggling with pornography or because they themselves are), and we need more godly counsel in the church on dealing with these matters.
In this situation, it seems like it’s important to know what it means for the fiance to have “ongoing struggles with pornography” before specific guidance could be offered. Being tempted by pornography and being enslaved by it are two very different things. If he has allowed pornography to become a habitual sin in his life, I would be very concerned about why he waited until they were already engaged to reveal this information. I would wonder if he understands how serious this issue is, if he realizes that marriage will not be the answer to his struggles in this area, and if he recognizes that his usage of pornograpy has affected and will affect the way he views and treats his fiancee/wife and all other women.
If the man is actively fighting against temptation and has been seeking help from a pastor or other godly men to overcome this struggle, that would be very different than if he has merely been struggling unsuccesfully to overcome this sin on his own. This young woman needs to offer grace and forgiveness, but that may not necessarily mean that it would be wise for her to marry this man. Considering the devastating effects that pornography has on a marriage, this could definitely be serious enough to change the future of this couple’s relationship.
Its sad to see how this is an issue all over the place in many men’s heart. However, it is a battle that we all fight in this perverted world. It is encouraging to see this man bring out this sin publicly to his fiance’ and his pastor. That tells me he hates it and does not want to do it (again). While yes i could nitpick at his heart and tell him to fight more and have self control so he can get married, but i would say that is unbiblical advice. For we are all faced with temptation and we all give into them in various ways, anger, gossip, slander, idolatry, gluttony, addiction to facebook, caffeine, alcohol to name a few. With struggles with lust, I will give advice that is not too common in our church circles, and that is simply…to get married. The man is obviously struggling sexually and falling into other avenues that are not his to freely use. My advice is for this man to repent of his pornography indulgence and rejoice in his wife to be, his sexual desire will be satisfied (not perfectly) and enjoyed for the rest of his life once he is married. The apostle Paul said if you are burning with passion and LACK SELF CONTROL then you should marry. Tell him to marry his wife, cherish her and resist the flesh in the mean time. I do know sex in marriage does not satisfy the flesh completely, but it does provided a wonderful avenue for service and enjoyment of the gift of sex biblically and God honoring.
Having been through these “struggles” in the past myself, I would have to agree with the majority that before this question can be answered it needs to clear what “struggles” mean in this context. There are few men in our culture who will not admit to “struggles” on some level. The question that should be asked is what is involved here and what is he doing about it. Is it temptation or ongoing unrepentent sin. Is he shrugging it off or showing signs of repentence and taking steps to change. All these need to be answered to know how to advise the woman involved. There is a place for forgiveness but there is also a need to avoid enabling.
I agree with those who have said that the issue is pretty gray because of lack of information. However, I will say that it can be one a problem in your marriage. I struggled before marriage and ended up becoming a full blown addict to pornography. Almost cost me my marriage. It can be very ugly. Only through Celebrate Recovery have I found much success.
I disagree with a previous comment that you should get married because it will fix his problem. That is a fool’s errand. Get married because you love him and nothing more. It’s up to him, not you or your body, to fix his struggle.
The unfortunate problem is that you’re the one asking these questions instead of him. There is much more I would say to him.
I would want to know more what that means as well. It is naive to think that a fulfilling marital life will remove the temptation toward pornography. It will remove the temptation to sin by fornicating with his loved one, but not to something as impersonal and frequently twisted as pornographic depiction of sex and its objectification of women. As a woman who is now by Grace granted the gift of celibacy, I cannot begin to express how much devastation has been caused by not just a man’s temptation toward pornography, but the way that that translated itself in his relationship toward and expectations of me. From what I have seen and know, that makes me the norm and not the exception. It destroys. It destroys marriages, it destroys people, it destroys families, it destroys the sanctity of the marriage bed and the beauty of a shared union between two people the way God intended and it ripped away any hope of even having any kind of personal knowledge of what that is supposed to look like or of loving or being loved in that way. It rips all that away in favor of something lesser, imaginary, and temporary and it not only creates an addiction to more, it perpetuates and deepens that same addiction - just like a drug or drink would do. Don’t let that into your marriage bed, and I would strongly advise against marrying anyone who doesn’t at least understand that and love you enough to be open with you without having to have it dragged out of him by a counselor.
As leader of mens and recovery ministries at a large church, I deal with this question regularly. Steve Arterburn called his book on this subject “Every Man’s Battle” because this is truly a struggle for every man. But he’s wrong. There are men who don’t struggle with it — the ones who just surrender to their urges instead of fight them, who buy the lie of society that it’s natural and there’s nothing wrong with it.
This woman’s fiance considers it a struggle and is admitting to it. That’s a not a red flag that should cause her to end the relationship. It’s a positive sign that he’s not in denial like many men. It’s also encouraging that this woman, unlike many in the world and even the church, recognizes God’s standards.
She should ask her fiance to seek regular fellowship and serious accountability with other Christian men — an Every Man’s Battle study class, a Samson Society chapter, or a 12-step group such as SA or Celebrate Recovery. She should not try to be his accountability partner or his web traffic cop (he should seek other men for those roles) but she should make it clear that she expects him to live by God’s standards.
As you said in the earlier response, “what’s important for you to know is how he views sexual immorality.” That’s primary. I’d add that she should also know what he’s doing to win the struggle, maintain accountability, and devote his energy to her and to the relationship.
Marriage will not solve his ongoing problems with pornography. Pornography is about more than sex. It is a worldview. Do not marry this man until he has fully repented and has gained Spirit-enabled self-control. He is not qualified to be your pastor according to 1 Tim 3 & Titus 1. God’s grace can give him victory in the area.
@Clint Wagnon, of all the answers on this page, yours strikes me as most unreasonable, and I’d even agree that this particular sin is best dealt with prior to the marriage. Rather, it’s your over-application of 1 Tim 3 / Titus 1 to the marriage relationship that troubles me.
Yes, a woman will be called to submit to a man in marriage. But nowhere does the Scripture teach a man is a pastor over his wife as he would be the church and must be qualified as such to marry.
These Scriptures, while helpful in evaluating the character of any man, should hardly become the minimum qualifications for a woman to consider a man marriage material… unless of course the goal is to never see young people (or new converts?) marry again. :-/
That said, I’ve tipped my hand. For practical reasons that need nothing to do with ethics or a clear teaching of Scripture, I’d advise against the looming marriage date until the addictive nature of his habit has been broken. Determining when such a time has been reached will ultimately be subjective, so I’d leave that up to the pastors - many other answers have dealt with the specific things they’re looking for, and I’d concur.
Dear Engaged and Confused,
Six years ago I found myself in a very similar situation. Just weeks before our wedding, I found out that my fiance “sometimes struggled with pornography and masturbation.” I was shocked. He was a godly man who loved Christ, was heavily involved in church ministry and missions, and had pursed purity in our relationship as well as his previous relationships.
I was hurt and angry that he had kept it from me, but I think both of us believed that marriage would cure the problem.
It wasn’t until several months into our marriage that I learned that what I thought was an infrequent occurrance in the life of a single man was actually habitual sin in the life of the man who was now my husband.
The months that followed were extremely painful for both of us. I felt betrayed that he hadn’t been honest. I felt alone because I didn’t know anyone else who had faced or was facing similar struggles. And I felt ashamed, like it was somehow my fault.
In the years that have passed God has done an amazing work in my husband’s heart and in our marriage. Sola Deo Gloria!
I don’t know if you should marry this man at this time, but I will share questions you should find out the answers to, as well as advice I wish I had known then.
First of all how frequent and severe is the problem? Is it that sometimes (or often) he feels the urge to look at pornography but resists the temptation? Or is he daily giving into the temptation and gratifying his flesh sinfully? Somewhere in between?
Understand that most men struggle with lust in a way that most women do not. That struggle will not go away, even with the healthiest sex life in marriage anymore than your tendency toward gossip or vanity will because you’re now married. But how he responds to it makes all the difference.
Does he detest the sin and fight the temptation with every ounce of his being? Or does it see it as an inevitable aspect of singleness or manhood? Does he confess the sin to other brothers who will hold him accountable and call him to repentance, rather than ones who say “I know man, it’s so hard.”?
How does he view the sin in light of Christ’s atonement and the Spirit’s indwelling? Does he recognize that Christ’s death on the cross in his place is sufficient and that as a follower of Christ his sins are forgiven? Or does he live with a self-hatred that is not hatred of sin but instead denies the sufficiency of Christ? Does he recognize that because of the Spirit’s indwelling he is no longer a slave to sin and can indeed have victory over the sin?
What steps is he willing to take to avoid the temptation? Is he willing to get rid of the Internet at home? To stop watching TV or movies that spark struggle? To take a different route home from work to avoid that suggestive billboard? Until he is willing to do whatever it takes to overcome temptation, it isn’t likely that he will.
This one is really important: What does he see as the problem? Does he think the problem is that sometimes he looks at porn or does he recognize that the problem is much deeper? Viewing pornography or engaging in masturbation are merely outward manifestations of a much deeper problem. The problem is one of lust- desiring something that God has prohibited. It’s denying that God’s plan for sex in (and only in) marriage is fully good.
If you marry this man you must realize that this struggle will continue in one way or another until he dies. By God’s grace he will gain victory over this sin (in that he no longer acts on his impulses), but he will struggle until the day he dies. Even if he gains the self control to avoid indulging in pornography, he will always struggle not to take the second look at the beautiful woman walking down the street or to dwell on the racy conversation he inadvertently overheard at work. Are you prepared to stand beside him as he fights?
If you marry him you must also realize that you are never to blame for his sin. While there are many things wives can do help their husbands in this arena (pursuing a passionate sex life, holding them accountable, praying for them, etc.), he alone is responsible for his sin. Even if you do all of the things mentioned above he may still struggle and fail. If/when that happens there are two things to remember:
First, it is not your fault. He would still struggle even if you were thinner, prettier, had a larger bust etc. Again, the problem is that he is pursuing pleasure in places where God has commanded him not to. Just because the fruit of the tree looked desirable doesn’t mean that there was something wrong with all the fruit in the garden that God had permitted Adam and Eve to eat.
Secondly, if or when sin happens, forgive him. Remember to see yourself in light of the cross. You too are a sinner, deserving of God’s wrath. You have received mercy that you didn’t deserve. Extend that same mercy to him.
May God grant both of you the wisdom to know how to proceed. Whether you two marry or not, may this be a story that ends with God being glorified as lives change and sin is overcome.
I would echo what many have posted about defining what he means with “ongoing struggles.” Without knowing what that means, I don’t think we can view it appropriately as it relates to the gospel.
Carrie’s comment, though understandable, concerns me. While it may be an integrity issue, the “what else might you not know?” question only promotes fear of the man’s past, not comfort and strength in the gospel. Additionally, many pastors and elders I know encourage couple TO WAIT to discuss this type of an issue until pre-marital counseling, so that the openness of the issue doesn’t allow sin to cause each other to be more relaxed than they should be when they aren’t actively in a counseling situation to help them stay the course until marriage. It absolutely needs to be in the open among men (in her fiance’s case) who can hold him accountable, but I don’t think he’s necessarily wrong for not divulging this sooner.
Granted, he could have chosen to pursue counseling for this issue prior to pursuing engagement, but again we raise the question of “How early is too early?”
@Don Sartain,
I’ve seen too many men tell women far too late that this is a problem. Waiting til engagement is not what I would advise. I wouldn’t advise telling on a first date either. If you wait til you’re engaged, now she has a really tough decision and she can feel alot of pressure to just accept it because otherwise you have to cancel or postpone a wedding and that’s an embarassing thing.
I think it should have been discussed before engagement (depending on the severity of the issue, of course), but not in a graphic way. He doesn’t need to tell her each time he looks or even what he looked at (please don’t get detailed for her sake!)
It does seem like an issue of integrity if his reason for telling her was something like:
“Well, you didn’t ask!” (So, you only share information when you’re asked point blank?) OR
“I didn’t want to tell you cause you might have broken up with me.” (So, you only tell the good things about you…what else you hiding?)
I’m not going to get into a lot of detail…just a sound byte answer. His struggles with pornography are the result of being a male in a fallen world. Period. IF he is willing to be accountable for his behavior…partricularly online behavior (i.e. something like x3 watch)…and take steps to keep porn from his home (like nixing the “movie channels”), then he is demonstrating a willingness to fight the battle and moving forward is less problematic. If he is not willing to be accountable, I would not recommend going forward.
Not to minimize the serious nature of sin, but maybe she should ask herself of she is ready to marry at all. This won’t be the last time she has to deal with crushed expectations. If she so quickly questions her commitment to him now, marriage won’t fix that problem either.
@Adam Bishop,
I think you should reconsider your response. The issue is not expectations, but adultery. A “struggle” with internet pornography is adultery. This woman just found out that her fiance has been sharing sexual relationships (admittedly not physical, but still sexual) with other women.
Would your counsel be the same if a newly engaged man had found out that his fiance was regularly engaging in “phone sex” with other men? The situations are similar, and this woman is wise to seek the advice of other Christians.
Additionally, prior to marriage is THE time to consider commitment, because once a person is married there should be no more consideration.
Your future husband is a man, and he is human. Every heterosexual man has lust struggles constantly in his walk. Your fiancé’s has been made manifest in porn. Give him grace. Help him out, and rejoice that he told you on his own volition. His honesty here at such a critical point makes me think he is a respectable man that you should marry. You will be hard pressed to find an honest Christian man in his 20’s today that has not had this struggle as we all grew up with the Internet and parents who had no idea how their sons used it. Seriously I would run from a man who says he has successfully controlled this all the time his whole life…he would be a liar at the very least.
@Every other Man,
I think I take exception to your advice. Consider a similar scenario… What if most men in their 20’s were addicted to going to strip clubs? Or worse, what if most men in their 20’s were addicted to “one night stands” with multiple partners? Would you still say that those were just manifestations of a struggle with lust? Additionally, would an admission of the struggle be enough for us to say such a man was ready for marriage?
The casualness with which our culture approaches internet pornography is a huge part of the ongoing problem. Internet pornography is adultery (i.e., sexual relations outside the covenant of marriage). Until those of us in the Church realize the seriousness of this epidemic, we will be unable to help counsel those who are affected by this sin.
I agree that grace is the answer and that every man should admit that lust is a relentless opponent who never goes away. However, I think this couple needs more counseling before anyone (including you, I, and all the other commentators) will be able to say “stick it out” or “find someone else.”
This man is a fallen human being living in a fallen world that is filled with sin. As a Christian, and even (or even particularly) as a man who has surrendered to God’s call in his life to ministry, he is not exempt from the struggles of sin.
Sanctification is a gradual process. The very fact that he has disclosed this information proves that he has not lied to you about it and is willing to expose himself for the sake of openness and honestly before marriage.
This sin is, for anybody, but particularly for one called to the ministry, one that is very private and internal. For him to share it is, in one way, one of the most intimate things he could do. He’s exposing himself and his weakness to you in a way he does to no other.
You should offer to help him, hold him accountable, and to provide an outlet for those types of energies once actually married (being fully aware that marriage is not the solution, but can help) rather than kicking him while he’s down. Nothing hurts more than being intensely intimate and sharing something that nobody else knows only to have that information then used against you.
As a seminary student myself, I have an awareness of the numbers of students who struggle with the same thing this man does. He is not alone. He has already been honest with you — take the next step and hold him accountable, but don’t use it against him.
If he is repentant, willing to be held accountable, and willing to take steps to resist temptation — don’t let it influence you at all, just bear it in mind and hold him accountable.
The fact is that he will never, ever defeat this thing fully. He will struggle with sin until the day he dies and enters into the next stage of his salvation — glorification. Until that day, he’ll be a fallen human being, just like the rest of us, and you, and you can’t expect anything more than just that.
SELF-CONTROL!!! Lots of great comments on a tough subject; I am a 53 year old man who raised 4 sons; 3 happily married today. Chris on #11 comment nailed it. Check out what the definition is through CR on addiction versus “heavy or light user”; very different! I have struggled over the years, to end it all over 20 years ago…. it can happen; LEARN how to enjoy the wife of your youth and dont let the devil have a foothold. There is no gray area here that works… the answer is none, none at all; its way to powerful and most men cant handle it.
First a little background. I’ve had my own struggles in this area that went on for decades and devastated my spiritual life and relationships. I can honestly say that I am now clean in mind and heart in this area. My relationship with the Lord has never been better. But I grieve the lost years, and the loss of fruitfulness in my Christian life. Now in my 50’s I live with the “what might have been” questions had I dealt with my sin as a college student.
Along with the others, I would have to say that not enough is known to give good advice here. And it is likely that the writer doesn’t know the depth of the problem herself. Most men who are caught in this evil trap are so ashamed that even when they confess their sin, they confess only a part of it. In fact, they don’t know the depth of their own problem because in addition to living a lie before others they are lying to themselves. You know that he has struggles, but you probably only seeing the tip of the iceberg. Even when I confessed my sin to a brother, I didn’t confess all of it. But I thought I was, and I patted myself on the back for taking that “bold step”! Believe me, I can tell you from personal experience that this is a sin that turns a man into a liar. As this thing progressed in my own life for years, I could see the dishonesty spreading and infecting every area of my life. Now it feels so good to be clean. It feels so good to have no secrets, nothing to hide. Of course it is a different kind of pleasure, but I can honestly say that the pleasure of a pure heart is better than sex. Your fiance is digging a broken cistern that can hold no water (Jer 2:13).
My advice would be to at least postpone the marriage until this issue is sorted out and other male accountability partners can verify that there is a strongly positive trajectory in his spiritual life and victory over this sin and complete honesty and integrity.
Adam Bishop’s advice above is the worst advice of all because it seems to imply that the problem is her’s and not his. It is NOT her problem. This is a serious issue and it should be addressed before you take that step of life long commitment. The lady has legitimate concerns and is right to ask these questions. In fact, postponing the marriage or terminating the engagement may be the best thing for her fiance if it brings him to total repentance and victory. Most of us who’ve found victory over this problem did not just decide to walk away from our sin because of the goodness in our hearts — something happened that forced us to deal with it.
I have a sister who was in a similar situation to yours. Weeks before the wedding she discovered some things that deeply concerned her, but she felt it was too late to turn back. That decision proved to be a huge mistake. That man eventually moved further and further into illicit behavior and after many years of trying to salvage the marriage they were divorced.
It is true that every man faces great temptation in this area, but don’t let that soften you demand for complete purity, honesty and integrity. Put the marriage plans on hold until both the depth of the problem and the spiritual growth trajectory are clear.
If he was using porn while dating her, it is essentially the same as if he were sleeping with another woman while dating her. It is not acceptable and she should run in the opposite direction. If he repents and finds healing, a relationship may be reconsidered in the future, but he needs to find healing at the Cross and NOT in the marriage bed.
If his porn use is in the past, but he struggles daily with temptations that he does not act upon, then, with proper safe guards and accountability in place, I think she can safely move forward in marriage.
@Every other Man & @Bernard
The commonality of the sin does not reduce its seriousness. If this man could not stop stealing or had “ongoing struggles” with shoplifting, I think we would tell her to postpone the wedding. If he had “ongoing struggles” with alcoholism and only got drunk a few times a month or once every month, we would rightly caution her to delay or call off the wedding. The fact that many or all men “struggle” with this sin doesn’t lessen its impact or its seriousness in God’s eyes.
Also, the commonality of the sin doesn’t reduce the deep wound that it lodges in the heart of a wife. This seems often glossed over as women are sometimes told to be more “available” to their wayward husbands: men who have had a porn problem long before the wedding day and long after.. a sign that no amount of availability on her part will cure the problem, which, after they’re are married will be infidelity. Not to mention the perverseness he will bring to their bed.
We can’t know whether he’s repentant or turning from this sin, there wasn’t enough info in the letter. The fact he made her aware of it is no sign that he’s respectable. What would prove his respectability would be if he’s putting the sin to death. On the contrary, that the info has come late in the game would make me wonder about his trustworthiness.
I do not believe that Paul’s admonition to marry if one is burning with passion or lack of self control has much of anything to do with porn. Even if it did encompass porn, porn is giving into temptation. Burning with passion implies resistance. I am sure Paul was not saying that if there is a sexually immoral man, then a pure woman should knowingly join herself to him without evidence that he had turned from it. That would turn other Biblical writings about purity on their head.
There are many penetrating questions that must be asked of this woman’s fiance. The question of whether grace should be given to this man is a foregone conclusion. Yes! Of course grace and love, but grace does not mean marriage. The most gracious loving thing she could do for him *may* be to step back from the union. Christ alone must be so beautiful and attractive to her fiance that he cannot abide the thought of porn. Setting up a reward (ie, you can marry me if you get your porn cleaned up) seems like the wrong motive. Jesus must be the Cure and the Reward. He’s more satisfying than porn (which is wicked) and even marriage (which is good) can’t compare to Him.
@Abigail, Great comment Abigail. I fully agree. This sin gives no thought to the wife and the special rights God has given her over her husband’s body. Asking her to condone this behavior would be like asking her to become just another one of her husband’s harem members.
Ok, we should have mercy on a man who struggles with pornography. I struggled with it since I was 13 until I was 29. This is a real struggle for more men than you know. Many pastors struggle with this. That however is not justification for marrying the man. He needs to repent of his sin first. The fact that he struggles with it and hasn’t stopped it reveals the fact that he hasn’t repented.
John says, “No one who abides in Him sins; no one who sins has seen Him or knows Him.” 1 Jn 3:6. Therefore, the man who lives in pornography, no matter how sincere his Christian walk may appear, does not know Jesus. You said, your fiance has had “ongoing struggles with pornography”. This is a red light for me. I would counsel you to break off the engagement until this man can get some help. I would suggest that he read, “The Altar of Sexual Idolatry”, by Steve Gallagher and find a pastor in his church who can disciple him. He should learn the basics of the Christian life because he is seriously confused about his own spiritual maturity level. I recommend that he studies the 24-week course called “The Walk of Repentance” also by Steve Gallager, together with a godly man who has struggled with an overcome this sin in his own life. Nothing helps someone else like someone who can relate to them in their struggle but who has overcome it (Hebrews 4:15).
Psalm 36:1-2 says, “Transgression speaks to the ungodly within his heart; There is no fear of God before his eyes. For it flatters him in his own eyes concerning the discovery of his iniquity and the hatred of it.” Here transgression speaks of the sin that we commit and how it soothes us and comforts us like nothing else. We don’t want to give it up so we do whatever we can to hold on to it. This man is confessing his sin but what will prove his sprituality is his readiness to break off the engagement and get some help before marrying you. If he says, “Let’s get married. This porn will go away. I am just looking at it because I want intimacy”, it indicates how much his sin has flattered him about his own spirituality. He thinks he is a great Christian! But if he wants to get married it without working on his sin, it indicates that he still loves his sin. Getting married to him will give him what he wants and that is not what he needs. You don’t need to let him be like Esau who sold his birthright for a pot of soup. Esau gave up something precious to obtain something that satisfied his temporal desire. That is what this man is doing. Giving up the precious treasure of purity with his wife for the fleeting pleasures of sin. Don’t let him become fully deceived into thinking that he can have Jesus and his sin at the same time. Don’t let him think that you condone his attitude toward God and his lack of the fear of God.
If he doesn’t fear God, what makes you think he is going to love you?
Pride and selfishness drive pornography addictions. Certain ugly things may come up but they are not the problem. You can try to mask the problem or cage the problem up, but you will not kill it. If it is still being fed, though it be confined to a cage, there is still the risk of it breaking out and causing serious damage to your marrage. Isn’t it best to kill the beast rather than thinking will power or accountability groups can stave it off? That is what mortification of sin is all about in Romans 8:13. “Putting to death the deeds of the body” is a life or death issue. Any unrepented of sin that is allowed to remain in our lives is a sure sign that we are on the broad road to destruction (Matthew 7:13-14).
All of these verses touch on the sin of pornography in some way:
Ephesians 5:3-5 But immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints; 4. and there must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. 5. For this you know with certainty, that no immoral or impure person or covetous man, who is an idolater, has an inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.
1 Corinthians 6:9-11 Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, 10. nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God. 11. Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God.
1 Corinthians 6:18-20 Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body. 19. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? 20. For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.
Romans 1:24-25 Therefore God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, so that their bodies would be dishonored among them. 25. For they exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.
Titus 2:11-14 For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men, 12. instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires and to live sensibly, righteously and godly in the present age, 13. looking for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Christ Jesus, 14. who gave Himself for us to redeem us from every lawless deed, and to purify for Himself a people for His own possession, zealous for good deeds.
2 Corinthians 7:1 Therefore, having these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all defilement of flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God.
Hebrews 12:14-16 Pursue peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no one will see the Lord. 15. See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled; 16. that there be no immoral or godless person like Esau, who sold his own birthright for a single meal.
1 Peter 1:14-17 As obedient children, do not be conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance, 15. but like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior; 16. because it is written, “YOU SHALL BE HOLY, FOR I AM HOLY.” 17. If you address as Father the One who impartially judges according to each one’s work, conduct yourselves in fear during the time of your stay on earth;
There are two elements here. His response to Christ, and yours. We are told to ‘go and sin no more.’ You are told to forgive him 70 times 7 times.
To be clear, he has sinned, and it needs to stop.
Jesus gives us not only His Spirit and His grace to enable us to live as Christ, but wisdom on how to obey. He tells us to cut off what causes us to stumble. I doubt your fiance is unrepentant. Why mention it if he were? Now the question is, is he ready to entrut the victory to the Lord? Is he willing to cut off the things that cause him to stumble, pick up his cross, and follow? If he isn’t, maybe you shouldn’t marry him, for your sake. Period. End of paragraph.
To be equally clear, there is no gradation of how infrequently failure is or is not acceptable. And that means you are responsible to forgive him throughout his sanctification process every time it gets ugly.
So let’s talk about you. Whether or not your fiance is perfect in this area for the rest of his life, I have it on good authority that none of us will stop sinning while we live. If you get married, he will sin against you more than once. Can you forgive him? If you can’t, not only will you be in sin, you won’t be able to help him as he continually casts it aside. If you can’t, maybe you shouldn’t marry him for his sake.
Finally, don’t buy the well-intended pitch about judging his repentance by what happens later. Unless you stopped getting angry, or lying, or gossiping, or whatever, for all time after the first time you repented. Human repentance and forgiveness are sort of like a get out of jail free pass that don’t guarantee you stay out of jail.
@Taylor,
I think you have given the best answer to this difficult question. Yes lust is a problem all men struggle with but the struggling against it is the key. In my experience every woman is going to marry a man who struggles with lust whether or not he admits it is another issue. I like the point about forgiving 70 times 7, grace and forgiveness are always needed as we are in a process of being perfected.
In the past year i read 2 articles about attempted studies on men who use porn vs. Men who don’t. Both were canceled because researchers were unable to find men who didn’t use porn. One study was by the us army and the other by a university in Canada if I recall. Men struggle with visually stimulated lust and if your husband or boyfriend says otherwise he is probably a liar.
Grace and peace
@Taylor,
Good, wise, sensible, balanced, scriptural words. The calm, realistic voice of reason rising above a lot of frantic overreaction. Thank you.
@Taylor,
Dan,
Really? unable to find men who don’t use porn? Is this true men?
There are many wise answers to this question so far. I would like to add a few more things though. I do not know all the specifics of your situation, so if anything I say seems offensive or uninformed, please forgive me.
I had a similar situation with my husband before we got married. He confessed to me one night that he struggled with viewing pornography and had since he was a teenager. He also confessed to me that he felt horrible about it, and wanted to stop since he loved me and wanted me to be the only woman that he thought about in a sexual way.
In the months following, this issue became a huge struggle for us, especially in the realm of trust. Anytime we would be apart for a while (we were both at the same college) I would worry about if he was looking at it. And if he did, he always told me and pleaded for forgiveness. This went on for months. Long story short, by the time we reached our wedding day, we had reached several conclusions about his pornography struggle:
1. A man is design to desire sex, and so often they fall into the instant gratification of looking at porn instead of finding a wife or loving the one he is married to. My husband was raised to think that any sexual desire of any kind was wrong, so this really didn’t help when he met me and decided that I would be his wife.
2. I had to give him grace in this area. It was a requirement. At first, every time he would tell he that he messed up again, I would become very bitter and angry at him. God showed me that this was the wrong idea to have because he was always repentant every time that it had happened. And because of this, I HAD to forgive him and not become angry. Eventually, when he would tell me that he had messed up, I would gently tell him I forgive him, and remind him that God’s grace was enough to cover his sin.
3. I think that in some cases, a Godly marriage can do wonders to help a man experience victory in this area. Most of the reason why my husband struggled was because he had sexual urges that he didn’t know what to do with. He had been taught that those were wrong, so he had no motivation to try and fulfill them in a Godly way, until we got married. Now he understands that his urges are right to have, and that now he is in the context of marriage, he can express them in a right way with me rather than by himself with pornography.
There is much more to our story, but I hope that what I’ve written encourages you. If your fiances is struggling with this in the context of trying to get victory over it, then don’t give up on him! He needs you to help him win a victory in this area, because marriage is the ONLY thing that will help him express himself sexually in a Godly manner. Marriage is part of God’s sanctification process, and God may use you to bring an end to your fiances struggle with pornography. Some of the sweetest words I’ve heard from my husband was the day that he finally realized that our marriage is the thing that helped him FINALLY stop looking at pornography. God’s grace is so amazing!!
@Molly,
Like those of Taylor, above, your insights (from experience) are refreshing. All of your points are true and helpful.
There’s a difference in “I struggle with porn” and “I’m addicted to porn” and “I’m fighting my struggle with porn” just like, for women, there’s a difference in: “I’m struggle with overeating” and “I’m addicted to overeating/food” and “I’m fighting my struggle with overeating.”
The key for me (as a woman who married just a year ago a man who had been addicted to porn) to look at 2 things:
-What’s the current condition compared the past condition?
-How seriously is he taking this?
I wouldn’t worry too much about a guy who looks when a buddy shows him something. Obviously, it’s not right. But it’s a way different situation than a guy who looks at porn, daily for hours on end.
If he’s taking this seriously, he’s in an accountability group. He’s put blockers on his internet. He’s confessing each fall to someone (the same someone). He’s learning what triggers him to look at porn (boredom, tiredness, illness, being irritated, etc).
A man doesn’t look at porn because of a logical decision. It isn’t “My work life is icky, and you know what will fix that work situation? Naked ladies.” Just like a woman doesn’t say “My relationship with my mom is rocky. It will be fixed by chocolate cake.” He may look at porn because of work issues. She may overeat because of relationships, but it’s never because he or she really thinks it will solve their problem.
There is so much to say here. I do hope that you have a godly woman who can walk through this with you because there is simply no way to address everything in this context. I can imagine the shock that you must have felt hearing this for the first time. But sadly your fiance is the norm rather than the exception these days. This does not excuse it but hopefully will give you hope that you are not alone in this and there is very likely someone around you that has dealt with this before.
You asked some great questions. I am sure your desire is to see your fiance receive all the help that he can. In depth biblical counseling calling him to put off selfishness and put on humility and selflessness, especially as it applies to sex and marriage must be first in line. Beyond that, accountability from friends who aren’t afraid to call him and ask the hard questions and a monitoring software on his computer/pass code on the cable box are some safegaurds that can be put into place.
I am sure that your trust has been affected to some extent. This is a difficult and personal one that I am not sure anyone can answer for you. To walk into a marriage relationship with trust issues can be a severe detriment to your marriage. Counseling for yourself in this matter would be most helpful. Open communication with your fiance cannot be encouraged enough. Have these conversations now while the first year who-forgot-to change-the-toliet-paper-roll issues are not complicating matters.
If you are seeking at the very heart of this a way to know 100% that he has dealt with it sufficiently and will never ever fall into it again, then you will be dissapointed. There is no garauntee of this. There is not garauntee for any of us. We can only trust the Lord with this, like every other part of our life. But I do believe that if you both receive appropriate counseling and setup accountability/safegaurds for him and feel confident that going ahead with marriage is of the Lord, that the Lord is good and can work through this for your good and his glory. In fact, this very struggle will be why 75% or more of the men who come to your fiance for pastoral counseling. And most of them will have wives who might just need someone like you to walk through this with them.
Beyond that, below are my take on the previous comments that have been posted in no particular order.
Marriage will not solve his pornography problem. If you don’t believe me, ask the many couples who have walked into my husband’s office. I have seen this with many godly women who had no idea, with seemingly picture perfect marriages, and husbands whose struggle began many years before marriage and whose struggle did not come to a halt afterwards. You are not the answer to his pornography problem. Jesus is and Jesus alone.
Marriage ain’t pretty sometimes. This is not the last time he will let you down which I think is what Adam Bishop is getting at. You just got a good taste of it pre-wedding vows. But ANY man you will marry is a sinner and will floor you in one way or another, even one called to gospel ministry.
Grace, grace and more grace. There is grace for him and if you look deep and long enough at your own sin you will see that you are just as big a sinner as he is. And that’s ok because there is grace for you too. Grace and Forgiveness will replace Shock and Dissapointment over his sin and soften your heart toward your fiance.
My sincere prayers are with you.
ask God
Dear Engaged and Confused,
I did marry a man who confessed to pornography struggles. He revealed it to me while we were dating, not engaged. He was also willing to let me go.
He also showed me by his life that he had repented. Competely. He had already sought multiple accountability partners in other men by the time he told me. He had taken drastic steps to limit access to the internet when alone. He wept over his sin. His hatred of his own sin ran deep, and his violent battles against it were very very attractive to me. I knew he could be the spiritual leader I wanted in a husband.
We have been happily married over 3 years. He is okay with limitations on his iPhone and laptop. He wants my trust. In all kinds of sin we hold eachother accountable.
I wish for your sake that he would’ve had the courage to reveal it to you sooner - and I know it takes tremendous courage. But regardless of how soon the wedding is, I’d say you have to take a hard look at this man’s life and walk with the Lord, which I know will be difficult for both of you. I have been there and know how you feel.
Obviously, once you are married, you commit yourself for life. But you are not yet committed for life. Be willing to do the hard thing if necessary. You can’t let the closeness of the wedding pressure you into marrying a man you know will continue to look at porn and do very little about it. This may sound harsh, but it’s reality.
So, does he look at porn, feel bad, pray, repeat? Or has the Holy Spirit impressed him with the weight of his sin? Has he been viewing porn for years and years or has he been fighting it for years and years with increasing vigilance? Has he sought accountability and confessed his sin to others? Is he willing to have limitations when surfing the internet? Is walking a pure life more important to him than having freedom on the internet and maintaining a shiny seminary exterior?
If his ’struggle’ with viewing porn is ongoing and ongoing, then he will eventually not have or want to have a ‘gospel ministry’, as you said. On the flipside, if he wants to turn away, accept accountability and certain limitations, deny himself and die to his sin, then of course he will be applying the gospel to his lifestyle and it will go much better for you guys.
I pray that God gives you discernment and that if you do get married you have a long and healthy marriage. His grace is abundant and His Spirit is strong to convict and empower men to stand against sin.
When my (at that time) future husband told me of his past struggles, because of Christ we wept and sang songs of God’s amazing grace together. It drew us together to seek God and His holiness. I pray that you two do the same!
Dear Engaged and Confused,
I came upon this blog while watching a promo video on Dr. Moore’s book, ‘Tempted and Tried’ as he is going to be coming to my church for a seminar this weekend, in which, my husband is planning to attend. This current discussion caught my attention and as I read the replies to your dilemma, I felt compelled to share with you my story in the hope that it may help you a little in making one of the biggest decisions in your life. When I got to know my husband, he was still an unbeliever but by the time we got married he had already become a Christian. We were in a long-distance relationship for almost 2 years as I was living in another country while he’s from the States. All the while, he was honest about the issues he struggled with such as pornography, alcohol addiction, and confessed that he used to smoke marijuana before he met me. At that time, although shocking, I realised that his past is his past and now that he is a believer he’s a new person and that’s the person I know now and I accepted him.
We got married in October last year and indeed, just like “Been There” said, most of the time, the so called noble confessions are just merely just the tip of the iceberg and there’s always more to it. I found that out after getting married to him. I believe it was God’s love that allowed me to “find out” by myself all the secret sins he hid from me, which he said he could not find the courage to tell me because he didn’t want to lose me. And soon, I discovered that some of the “past struggles” is still ongoing and yes, I was floored as well. I felt cheated and deceived. It wasn’t fair to me to not know all these things before I chose to marry him. I was so mad at everyone, myself, and even at God for allowing this to happen. Why didn’t God stop me from getting into this mess? I can’t say that I have overcome everything now and that things are all bright and sunny, but I have to say that it is only by God’s grace, love and strength that has brought me to this stage where I am slowly letting go of the past and focusing on the present and seeing my husband as someone whom God loves and died for. My husband is now genuinely and earnestly seeking the Lord’s help to overcome these struggles he faces and although it’s not easy for me, I have to choose to stand by him and support him in doing so, because that is the right thing to do in the Lord’s eyes. But I am grateful for the Lord’s work in my husband and it could be possible that all these things happened to push him in the Lord’s direction. Before, he was just going through the motions of Christianity, but because of all the painful events that has taken place in the last year, he has begun to rely on God and actively fight the struggles and temptations he faces by reading God’s word faithfully, getting accountability from Christian brothers, and most of all, to desire to walk rightly in the Lord’s eyes. He used to put me first in his life, not God, but that plan obviously failed to help him because it ended up with him lying and covering up for mistakes and sins he committed because he was afraid of losing me. But it’s only when he began to put God first in his life that things took a different turn.
I apologize for taking a while before giving you an actual comment that you are waiting for. I understand what you are going through and indeed, the first thing I thought to myself was “Oh wow, this girl should get out of this while she still can. Unlike me, I only found out all the “secrets” after marriage when it was too late for me to back out”. If you asked me whether I would still get married to my husband if I had known all I know now back then, I would have to say I don’t know. And I don’t need to know because it’s the past. God has allowed this to happen for reasons only known to Him and one day I shall meet Him face to face and find out. I would like to advise you to ask yourself how much you love your fiance and how willing are you to walk with him in all of life’s struggles? Your fiance will never be perfect and I assure you there will surely be many moments with your fiance in the future that will “floor” you, and are you prepared for that? Most importantly, are you willing to say “God, I put my faith and trust in You, even as I am going to marry an imperfect man, I recognize my own imperfections and pray that You will help us both draw closer to you as we help and support each other as husband and wife.” I nearly lost my relationship with the Lord because of all that’s happened, but I thank God for waking me up and drawing me back to Him. Right now, I really urge you to check on your relationship with the Lord, because ultimately that is all that matters. Will having to deal with these issues of your husband-to-be in the future affect your relationship with the Lord in a negative way? Or are you confident and secure enough in the Lord to say that although it may be difficult, you are able to go through possible trials with His help and guidance? You cannot control what your fiance does and in the end it’s between him and the Lord. He could have had no issues whatsoever now but who knows, ten years later, loses sight of God and sins in a great manner? Of course, we pray that he will continue to walk rightly with God and seek to overcome these struggles he faces but just remember that you have to have faith in the Lord that He will give you the strength to continue to love your husband no matter what happens and at the same time, that He will also enable your husband to be the man the Lord intends for him to be. Having said that, this goes both ways as well, keeping in mind that you are not perfect either.
I hope this helps and I pray for the Lord guide you as you decide on what to do next. May His peace and joy be yours. Take care.
It seems that some men can turn away from pornography by an act of the will. Some do it by constructing boundaries which prevent them from accessing the offensive material. Others do it by placing themselves within a community of people who keep them honest (accountability). I would argue that whatever value these approaches might have (and I think given the rampant spread of the problem they don’t seem to be working very well), the Gospel is the answer.
Fighting sin with law rarely works for very long. The Gospel reminds us that we are accepted by God not on the basis of our goodness, but solely on the basis of God’s free grace.
I would encourage this brother to fight the fight of temptation with a strong diet of Gospel-based counsel based on God’s Word. The blood of Jesus was shed for sins like this one and the Holy Spirit was sent to fight the battle for/with us. This is not a sin which is beyond the power of God. There is hope.
As a pastor, my counsel to this woman would be to fight this battle along side her fiance and provide him with a model of loving, grace-filled acceptance as he struggles with this sin. Marry him when you’re sure he’s committed to fighting along side you against temptation and not hiding from you.
Was it Bonhoeffer who said you’ll never know true love until you know the love of another sinner?
As for those who counseled that this woman shouldn’t marry the man because he has committed adultery…it would perhaps be well to remember that all of us are guilty of spiritual adultery - a key message for the prophets of the Old Testament and one of the things Jesus said regarding the generation he lived among (see Mark 8:38). James also equates friendship with the world with spiritual adulter (see James 4:4). Which of us are not guilty of adultery?
Blessings on you, Dr. Moore, as you seek to counsel!
@Doug Johnson,
I hear what you are saying, and I wholeheartedly agree that our own power is not the answer. Even so, I would caution that this dichotomy of law and gospel sometimes creates a false choice.
To be clear, the law can’t save us. But, and this is a big but, our inability to fulfill the requirements of the law does not conflict with our new ability to fight sin because of the blessings of the gospel, that is our union with Christ.
As new creatures in Christ (2 Cor 5:17), we have both recourse and responsibility. The man who overcomes by his will does so because God works in him (Phil 2:13). The man who removes access to that which tempts him, does so in obedience to Jesus (Matt 5:29). And the man who gets married to ease the burn has Paul’s approval (1 Cor 7:9 - and I mean really married, not just a certificate and the expectation that sex changes everything).
Gospel benefits extend to our will, behavior, and discipline, not simply our justification. When we pit the law against the gospel in a way that neglects our new union with Christ, some people fail to take the steps God has graciously allowed to lay aside sin for fear of trying to change in their own power.
Dear Engaged & Confused,
You may want to hold on off marriage for a while, but not because your fiancé struggles with sin. You do not seem to understand human depravity, redemption, and the role of a life partner. If you’re current fiancé is genuinely interested in repentance and putting the old man behind him, he is going to need a partner who understands the fallenness of humanity and who can look at human sin for what it is. An injured man needs a doctor who is not alarmed by his injury, and sinners need partners who can and will bear any burden as they seek to crucify the flesh.
Your confusion about your fiancés sin suggests that you don’t get it. You still think there are acceptable sins and gross sins. I’m going to take a wild guess here and assume you believe something like the following: vanity, pride, gossip, envy, ingratitude and the love of money are little, understandable sins, but pornography, adultery, rage, and vulgar language are gross sins. If you think anything like this, you don’t get it. You need a Christian version of a Ken doll with the real potential for stardom in the evangelical community to be “happy” in your marriage. You also need someone who will collude with you in the denial, excuse, and justification in the many out workings of your own of fallenness. I’m not saying that every sin is “equal in the sight of God,” but there are no righteous sinners. Moreover, I have met women who “get it,” who understand sin and it’s deceitfulness, and when faced with it they respond to it like a triage nurse on a battlefield. They make tremendous, transformational, wives, mothers, and friends. They’re rare, however. You’re current fiancé may need this type of character in a partner, but it may be a cross that is too heavy for you to bear. If you had learned to hate your own sin the way I suppose your fiancé hates his sin, your question would have been “how do I help?” not, “should I reject?”.
As a practical matter, you and your current fiancé run the risk of having you coming to see pornography as the source of every problem that will emerge in your marriage. If he works late, you think he’s looking at porn. If he gets annoyed you and doesn’t feel like being intimate, you’ll think he’s looking at porn. If he get’s impatient, you’ll think it’s because he’s looking at porn. If this happens you’ll both lose, and you’ll think he’s looking at porn.
In short, I think you should wait until you’re mature enough to live with a sinner.
Just a sinner saved by grace,
Rob.
@Ron Bonzetti, let me get this straight. According to you, the letter-writer a) has an unbiblical view of sin, b) is seeking a partner in collusion and deception so she can continue to live with her comfortable sins, c) is so shallow as to want a “Christian Ken doll,” d) prefers happiness and stardom to holiness, and e) is probably too immature for marriage. You got all that from two paragraphs, huh?
A woman discovers *in premarital counseling* (within a few months of the wedding, in other words) that her fiance struggles with pornography. She is shocked and confused. She asks for help in determining whether such an 11th-hour confession should change their relationship path. What part of that indicates ANY of what you said above?
@Ron Bonzetti, I am amazed at how you’re able to extrapolate all of this woman’s serious (as you’ve characterized them!) sin problems — idolatry of happiness, falsely categorizing sin, being willing to overlook “comfortable” sin, immaturity, etc., not to mention that she needs someone to “collude” with her in self-deception — from two paragraphs! You must be exhausted from jumping to all those conclusions!
Let’s flip this around. Say this is a young man writing in to ask for guidance because his fiance just revealed that she struggles with fooling around with strangers, and he’s not sure what his next step is, or if it’s wise to continue the relationship. Would your immediate response be to question his maturity, accuse him of shallowness, insinuate that he has a wildly unbiblical view of sin, that he’s weak and self-deceived about his own sin, that he should respond to his fiancee’s cheating with clinical dispassion, and generally rake him over the coals as you’ve done with this woman? My gracious.
Dear Engaged and Confused:
From a practical standpoint, it may be wise to postpone the wedding plans to take some of the time pressure off you. This is a serious question that needs enough time to deal with properly. If you don’t investigate it enough, you will always doubt yourself and your fiance/husband. If at all possible move the wedding date back so you have time to talk about this with your pastor.
As for the question itself, pornography is one of several ways we can sin sexually. Within the context of a marriage (or I would include engagement), it is being unfaithful to that spouse or fiance. Scripture speaks to this possibly being grounds for divorce (Matthew 19), but that does not mean it has to lead to divorce. I have counseled with several couples in this situation and have encouraged them to seek healing, forgiveness and reconciliation. Divorce may solve one problem (i.e. not having to be married to someone who hurt you), but in most cases, it brings several other problems (child custody, etc.) which is why I encourage them to stay together and try to improve the marriage.
The difference in your situation is that you are not yet married to him, so you have time to investigate further before you say “I do”. It is vitally important that you and your pastor work with your fiance to define what he means by “ongoing struggles”, as well as what steps in his life he has taken to battle these struggles. Also, seek to get at the root of the problem. When did this begin? How long has it been since his last episode? What forms (magazine, computer, movies) has he had exposure with and what is most dangerous? Who else in his life is aware of his struggles? These are just a few of the questions that I believe are worth investigating. It is too important a step (getting married) to not take the time and make sure he is worthy of your hand in marriage.
One last thing I would say, do not be attracted to him on the basis of his call to ministry. Unfortunately, there is a high percentage of pastors that struggle with pornography, so the fact that he feels called does not mean he is a saint. It may mean that he is going to be subject to greater testing by Satan, knowing that if he falls from ministry, the impact can be terrible on the life of a church. However, it may be that he is merely being honest about temptations in his life and he is willing to fight, with God’s help, “Every Man’s Battle.”
May God grant you wisdom as you prayerfully seek His will!
I would counsel Engaged & Confused to be very cautious and prayerful before proceeding with the wedding. While many many have gained victory in this area, others continue to struggle with it for years and only slide further into this pit.
I personally know of a well-known Christian family where the oldest son became addicted to porn in his teens and went on to molest at least one of his younger sisters. I am not certain if he made this sordid past clear to his fiancee, but he went on to marry and now has children of his own. In a different Christian family I know, the father had also struggled with porn since his early years, claimed to have victory, then proceeded to molest all of his daughters. He is now in prison for his crimes.
Surely not all porn addicts commit sins against others, but sadly the numbers are probably much higher than we would like to think.
As Ronald Reagan once said, “Trust but verify.” If he really loves you, he will be fully accountable and willing to wait as clarification and counsel are sought. Don’t be afraid to ask the hard questions and seek help from others who have had experience in this area.
May the Lord truly guide and bless you as you seek His will.
Put off the wedding. Work through the issue. Ask the Lord to give you discernment as to whether your fiance loves the Lord more than he loves himself. Don’t marry him until you know. Pornography is all about self love. There are godly men to marry. Some marriages are worse than being single.
Wow, there are wayyy too many excuses being voiced here.
Using Porn is adultery, period, end of story, do not pass GO.
The question is, should a daughter of God live with that?
The ‘Male in a fallen world’ bit, is old and an insult to women everywhere.
Addition is broken when a decision is made and the addict surrenders.
Would you marry a drug-addict or alcoholic?Because women who do and are willing to carry that burden, most often end up taking on the role of ‘moral police officer’- constantly checking for evident of ‘use’. It’s consuming. And no one can ‘rescue’ an addict.
People can and DO change- but it is their own journey, with Christ, that takes them through and restores them to the person God created them to be. But even God, will not force a person’s surrender.
Using porn is adultery, lets call it what it is, and I pray that Men stop making excuses (for themselves and for others) so they can become the Men they want to be.
To any man reading who uses porn-I’ll be blunt: If sex with your wife isn’t enough, you don’t deserve her. That’s the Fathers daughter you’re wounding, and He wants to talk to you about that. And please, folks in ministry-don’t council women to tolerate it, that’s not biblical and only adds to the pain.
Deborah
P.S.
Re: “…If sex with your wife isn’t enough, you don’t deserve her.”
What I mean is this: If sex with your wife isn’t enough, and you seek gratification elsewhere, you are saying, without words, that you are willing to take from her – the experience of being loved fully. You’re taking from her, every time she gives of ’herself’ weather it be a kind word, support, dinner, conversation, sex- all that she brings to your life together and you’re saying “Who you are is not valuable enough to give up my need to receive without having to give back” : which is what happens every time porn is used. You ‘get’ without giving. Your marriage is not only about you: What you allow in your life touches her.
Sound ‘over the top’? It’s not.
God loves us deeply. Grace and mercy is extended to all people and transformation comes through relationship with God. A relationship made possible by Jesus giving all -on the cross. I believe in restoration and living in a fallen world can’t stop restoration. If it could, we would have to say that what Jesus did, didn’t actually change anything. Men are not powerless over porn or lust, that’s a lie and an excuse that needs to be confronted. It has been used to avoid giving it up. I think we have to start being honest.
are you ever actually going to weigh in on this?
@Carolyn Morris, I second your motion.
@Carolyn Morris, I concur. Please advise us of your thoughts on the matter Mr. Moore.
My husband and I have been together for 10 years. When we first got together, I thought that he was a follower of Christ–that’s what he knew I wanted, so that’s how he portrayed himself. Two weeks before our wedding, he confessed to me that he was in the repentance process with our bishop. I overlooked that and I figured that he was trying his best because he wanted to make a change. Boy was I wrong. No sooner had we gotten married, he stopped going to church, stopped serving others, stopped reading scriptures. Being a Christian became a Sunday-only type of thing for him, whereas before, I thought it was his life. I was deceived.
4 years into our marriage, I found out he had a problem with pornography (something he’d always struggled with). I kind of felt that something wasn’t right about him, but I didn’t know what it was and I didn’t know it was that bad. He confessed his problem to me and I didn’t judge him. Little did I know, that most all of his judgements of me or women in general are based on pornography. I am not the beauty that I once was after having 3 children. He basically only uses a part of me to pleasure himself because he has admitted to me in the past that he’s not attracted to my body because I am overweight. He even had a “favorite” porn star that he would go to because he said her face kind of looked like me (but her body was of course–like a porn star). I was very hurt and offended, but I tried to be understanding. I tried to compare the hold of his addiction to the sins that I struggle with. But honestly, I think that the things that I struggle with are nothing in comparison to the hold that porn has on my husband. It has tainted his entire world view. Even though I don’t think he views it anymore (or maybe not as often) it has ruined our relationship and I’m still not sure how to recover from the lasting effects of it. We’ve been to counseling, but no one can change how he thinks. In his mind, he believes that he is ENTITLED to a sexy curvy woman who will have sex with him any time he wants. He believes it’s his right. I don’t think so. I’m so disgusted with him that I can’t even bring myself to allow him to touch me. I am literally hanging on by a thread in this relationship and I am a prayer away from getting drunk everyday because of the way he treats me (and I don’t even drink!!! and I was never attracted to alcohol before I met my husband).
I really feel sorry for my little ones. They know that our relationship is on the rocks (even though my husband and I don’t yell at each other). They are sad for their mommy, but I’m not sure how much longer I can last. Marriage to this man is torture and a prison for me.
Your fiance might not be as bad as my husband, but my life could very possibly be your future. Just think of how your fiance’s current habit will affect you and your future children.