Should I Divorce If I’m Miserable?
— Thursday, March 15th, 2012 —
Dear Dr. Moore,
My wife and I are at an impasse. There’s been no abandonment, no sexual immorality, and no abuse. We just don’t get along. We shouldn’t have married. We should have known we are incompatible. I know God hates divorce but I don’t have any other option. My pastor and some Christian counselors have told me that while God hates divorce, this is the lesser of two evils because God doesn’t want me to be miserable. What do you think?
Married but Miserable
Dear Miserable,
Here’s what I think (and I’m paraphrasing a pastor friend of mine here). With “Christian” pastors and counselors like these, who needs demons?
Divorce isn’t about you, and it’s not just about your marriage. Divorce is the repudiation of a covenant. It doesn’t start anything over again. It instead defaces the icon God has embedded in the creation of the union between Christ and his church (Eph. 5:22-31) .
I do believe that there are exceptions to Jesus’ prohibition against divorce: namely unrepentant sexual immorality or abandonment by a gospel-repudiating spouse. Neither of these, according to you, are present here and so you do not have reason to leave.
I plead with you to reconsider this and to understand that when you give account before the Judgment Seat of Christ, these “counselors” you have around you will not be present, and their cowardly justifications for sin will ring quite hollow.
Does God want you to be miserable? Long-term, no. And that’s why God has designed marriage as a life-long covenant signaling the gospel of Jesus Christ. In the long-term, God wants you to be deliriously happy. But by long-term, I mean the next trillion years, and beyond. In the short-term, one often must bear difficulty and, yes, even misery. Remaining faithful to a wife you wish you hadn’t married might seem miserable to you, but taking up a cross and following Jesus is “miserable,” in the short-run. That’s why the Book of Hebrews presents the life of faith in terms of not receiving what was promised (Heb. 11:39), but seeing it and embracing it from afar.
If you take the nuclear option of divorce off the table, you might find that you and your wife have more reason to seek help with your problems and make this work. But even if your marriage never becomes what you thought it might be, it is worth it to stand by your words and maintain fidelity to the wife of your youth.
What God has joined together, let no man separate (Mk. 10:9). And that includes the “shepherds” whose craven counsel leads to simply more chewable mutton for the wolves.
74 Responses to “Should I Divorce If I’m Miserable?”
Trackbacks
- Looking for a reason to divorce? « Bethel Abide
- Trevin’s Seven – Trevin Wax
- Sparks for Friday, March 16, 2012 | The Daily Disciple
- Should I Divorce If I’m Miserable — Russell Moore | F.O.B. Women
- Destinations « Luggaged
- Links of the Week « My World
- The Week in Review #20: Southern Gospel March Madness, Remembering Roger Bennett, and More… | Southern Gospel Yankee
- Shepherd Links – 3/10 | Pastoralized
- Monday Links and Bullets 3.19.12 « pastorkevinb
- Should I divorce if I am miserable? « Strengthened by Grace
- Weekly Commentary (March 17, 2012) | A Modern Exile...
- Friday’s for Family – Should I Divorce if I’m Miserable? |
- Bits & Pieces (3/23/12) | Better Things Ahead
- Take A Look: October Baby, Divorce, Non-Christians - Power of the Home - Power of the Home
- Let Me Direct You Elsewhere… | hisgracemygrowth
- The Goods « Core Fellowship – South Shores Church
- Devo me divorciar se estou infeliz? – Gospel MT News
- for everest
“I am miserable” is the phrase that sticks out here. We do not have all of the information to address “his” or “her” misery and how it came about. However, it does say something to the situation. If both are miserable and they are Christians the answer would lie in the desire of both trying to assist in solving the others misery before bringing up any form of separation. Since permanent separation is on the table now, there would have to be an equal desire to remove it first, then proceed to discover the other’s misery and make the challenge of their hearts to apply the principles of God’s word through faith to overcome each others misery. This is not a hill, it is Mt. Everest requiring everything that is within us to reach the summit. Preparation is life essential. The effort of the climbing may be the will of God more than just the marriage itself because God is to be glorified. What will the results be? The true desire of our heart!
@Bruce H.,
ALL too true. We cannot “super-impose” our own “will” over others. THAT is exactly why we must seek the will of HIM who made us. We can sit in McDonald’s all day and never be a “big-mac”. You can call yourself a “Christian” and never walk the walk. If that “other person” absolutely refuses to follow TRUE Godly counsel and goes their own way, then they have not just rejected their life-partner but the Word Himself. Again, Matthew 18 is explicit about “discipline.” If the “person” won’t listen, take a witness. If they STILL won’t, then take it to the church. If they STILL won’t, the “treat them as a heathen; a publican; a tax-collector; and a sinner.” Now, we love sinners but we don’t “run” with them and WE can’t change them….only JESUS can.
what if you are married to someone who has not been unfaithful but that tears you down emotionally? makes you feel less of a person or undesireable? I married my best friend from highschool but he says and does things that hurt far more than physical pain of bruises or scars. It has been a 17 year relationship and I have told him for years how it makes me feel. I finally told him I want a divorce and have always felt divorce was WRONG……but without counciling which he refuses…..I keep being hurt emotionally. It has become one of those “if you don’t help yourself how can I” kind of situations… does God (my Daddy) want me to be emotionally abused? How do you continue to say I love you (and mean it) to someone who breaks your heart daily?
@Beverly Martin, dear sister, I hope that in this awful time you are seeking the “intensive discipleship” of a biblical counselor. Are you in a community that practices biblical church discipline? If your husband is continually sinning against you and unrepentant, then he is behaving like an unbeliever and needs to be called to repentance and expelled by your congregation if he remains unrepentant. If you aren’t… well, can you find one that does practice church discipline? Divorce is an option open to you if your husband proves himself to be an unbeliever and no longer consents to live with you. But if your church refuses to call out his sin, and follow the commands of Scripture, you may be in the wrong community to be dealing with this situation.
Douglas Wilson, one of my favorite pastor/writers, has written a really wonderful series on the teaching on marriage and divorce in 1 Corinthians. I highly recommend reading it and showing it to your pastor(s). http://bit.ly/wv7uFF
@Beverly Martin, I am in the same situation. I never wanted to get divorced in my lifetime, but the time came where I could no longer accept the pain I was receiving. I finally prayed to God over and over again asking what I needed to do, He told me to leave. So Ms. Beverly, talk to God and ask Him what the right thing for you to do is. I’ll be praying for you.
@Beverly Martin,
If you’re in physical danger, that’s one thing. But…as one who thought she was a Christian when she did divorce her criticial, chronically unemployed, alcoholic husband 17 years ago and who suffered tremendously for it for 14 more years before Christ actually revealed Himself to me and saved me…and then more suffering for 3 more years after that (until the kids were grown and through the wedding of one of them)…the very first thing I was led to do through the conviction of the Holy Spirit was to ask my ex-husband to forgive me for my sin against him. I learned - by the conviction of the Holy Spirit and through Scripture - that my husband’s sin against me did not justify my sin against God by divorcing him. I broke faith, just as my husband broke faith. God tells us in His Word how to live as believing spouses with unbelieving, worldly spouses.
When your husband criticizes you and puts you down, that’s a very hard thing to live with. But it won’t destroy you if your true identity is found in your Heavenly Husband, Christ Himself. He is perfect and He will keep you. And think, how we as non-Christians shake our fists in God’s face and blaspheme Him by the way we live and walk and talk - and yet He still gave Himself to us completely in love through Christ because of that very sin in order to reconcile us to Him. That is what we who belong to Him are called to do not just with our neighbors, but also with our families - especially so.
Grace and peace to you, and my prayers go with you, sister.
Barbara Jackson,
You say God told you to leave your husband. How did God tell you that? What Bible verses did God use to tell you that is was ok to leave your husband?
@Beverly Martin,
i’m in the same situation as you for 16yrs, but the glory of God and my faithfullness to Him is far more important, i’d rather be miserable honoring Him, than happy dishonoring Him.
Love isn’t about feeling biblically speaking, it’s a choice, it’s action that we do. i promise to love her when i married her, and i will no matter what. we were Christ ennemies, and we crucified Him, yet He gave His life for us, loving us to the end <
@Beverly Martin,
Dear lady and sister - YES! SEEK out true Godly counsel. Draw CLOSE. Attach yourself to a WOMAN of God who is a STRONG believer. You need NO distraction. Temper this with Godly, Biblical counsel who wants you to stand for your family at all cost. Here it is - “I believe,” that God gives a way in 1 Corinthians 7 for you to, ” Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
I have personally known women who have taken their husbands to their pastors, (Godly and Bible believing men), and laid out their “misery” but also THEIR DESIRE to stand by what God ordained as marriage. I have seen on more than one instance where these men crumbled seeing the END is really a possibility. One man actually surrendered to the ministry later.
THERE IS HOPE sister. You can’t control your mate but you can stand. Gather close to your “Abba” Father. Shoulder with your Godly counsel. Find your sister in Christ Jesus who will weep with you but STAND with you and not let you bath in pity. You are NOT alone
Barbara Jackson,
I agree with Rob. Although I do believe God can speak to us supernaturally, these are isolated cases. God speaks to us through the Scriptures and through his Son (Heb. 1:1-2). We all need to be extremely careful with what we “hear” because the enemy will disguise himself as an angel of light (2 Cor. 11:14).
@Beverly Martin,
Suffering is going to come often in this life. While God gives joy even in the midst of it, it is not an earthly happiness. Happiness in this life is a pursuit that will leave us crushed and unfulfilled. Joy comes through obedience to his Word that He has given us for our edification, and it will come as we follow it. One of the gifts of the Spirit is long-suffering, and the implication to that is we will suffer long (obviously!). Follow his Word and joy will come whatever the outcome is, because it’s found only in the Creator of all things and not in anything this life can offer. He is faithful!!!!!!
“If Americans can be divorced for ‘incompatibility of temper,’ I cannot conceive why they are not all divorced. I have known many happy marriages, but never a compatible one. The whole aim of marriage is to fight through and survive the instant when incompatibility becomes unquestionable. For a man and a woman, as such, are incompatible.”
-G.K. Chesterton in What’s Wrong with the World (1910)
Thank you Dr. Moore for your faithfulness to Scripture and your wife! I am preparing a message about the state of marriage. It is a sad reality that we need to remind the church about biblical marriage. Also, I was recently reading a WSJ article about ‘gray divorce.’ In the article, ‘Dawn’ is noted as having ‘turned to my religion,’ and that her husband, ‘would never go to church.’ After her divorce, she found a boyfriend who was ‘very religious and compassionate, the things I was lacking in my former husband.’ She was Married but Miserable.
What a sad portrayal of the church.
Thank you for your ministry.
Dr Moore,
I appreciate this more than you know, as our family has dealt with this issue. I have also dealt with it as a pastor. It is not uncommon, sadly, for men or women to continue seeking “Christian” counsel until they hear what they want to hear. Many time, the “counselors” themselves have committed sin in marriage and have validated it for themselves and thus, for others. I would also add that most people I know in this situation have a warped view of the Gospel, grace, and marriage. They do not understand what a covenant is. Most also use the phrase “God wants me to be happy”, which we know is a manipulation tactic that a child uses on a parent. God calls us to be holy, not happy. This is a popular misconception of scripture. God did not create us for our pleasure but for His, and in keeping the marriage covenant we portray the Gospel and agape love. The final thing I would add is that I also tell people marriage is not something you “get through” just because you made a vow. We “get through” school, cable contracts, etc. Covenants are eternal. I always counsel people that if they stay in marriage just because they gave their word, then they will harbor resentment and just seek to get through instead of being the spouse scripture calls them to be. Make no mistake, I ALWAYS counsel against divorce especially without biblical reasons, I just exhort spouses to seek God in their marriage and to have the right motivation to make their marriage not only “work”, but to glorify God. I advise them to seek revival in their marriage and not just to endure but to see the blessing that comes with experiencing God’s blessing when they honor Him in their marriage covenant. Thanks again for your faithfulness and boldness in such issues.
Dr. Moore:
Thanks for sharing your letter.
What about abuse? My wife physically and emotionally abused me from the very night of marriage. Three years later when I lost my job, she told me to leave the house. (It was her family’s house).
I did. She never apologized, or showed any signs of repentance. I went ahead and filed for divorce.
Does her asking me to leave is the same as abandonment? Does abuse also a ground for divorce?
I would appreciate your response. Thanks!
Thanks for saying that there are times divorce is permissible such as “unrepentant sexual immorality.” My sister was forced to divorce her husband of 20 years due to the fact she found out he had been cheating on her their entire marriage. He still denies it. Some people think divorce is never okay even in such a situation, but they are wrong.
The judge’s gavel strikes the bench and you’re civilly divorced. Done.
What happens when your “ex” finally once-and-for-all repents the next day?
I have encountered situations that require separation as a necessary path of reconciliation to a marriage that honors God. Advising one to take this step is very serious and should only be done as necessary and with careful attention to God’s will. For those interested, I explain a 7 point plan for structured separation here: http://thinkpoint.wordpress.com/2008/02/13/troubled-marriages-fill-the-church-how-to-respond/
@Steve Cornell,
Steve, I would totally disagree with separation unless physical abuse is involved and then I would initiate the separation by involving law enforcement authorities. Use the government as the minister they are called to be.
Scripture only calls for sexual separation in 1 Corinthians 7 for the case of prayer, not separation for any other reason. The reason for this is sexual temptation. Sexual temptation is very great when a couple is separated.
I have watched separation just be a precursor to divorce many times. It nearly ended our marriage because my wife and I both realized how nice it was not to have the other one in our life. The separation did not allow us to work out the day in and day out issues of life together in a godly way. Scripture never calls us to run from the problems of life, but to face them in a godly way with godly/scriptural counsel.
What a great thought that the “counselors” will not stand with you before God one day!
I remember an interview with Mrs. Graham and the interviewer asked her if she had ever considered divorcing Billy. She said emphatically “No, never - murder maybe” I found her response humorous and I believe she meant it to be but she was also saying that marriage is work - hard work. I think every couple needs to realize not every day is going to be awesome….remain faithful and to the Lord.
A few things come to mind that may or may not apply in this case. The big one for my wife and I was when we realized we were looking for a perfection in one another only found in Christ; that our expectations of one another were not in line with the Biblical reality of who we are as, Christians, yes, but not yet fully redeemed Christians who struggle daily with sin. That realization allowed us to give each other space and grace and brought us to a much more healthy and fulfilling relationship. The expectations spouses have of one another becomes pretty critical. The question is are they realistic or are they driven more by a pop culture of emotional chemistry or a supposed view of a “Biblical idealism” that is actually sub-Biblical?
I have also seen some good friends go though a very difficult time in their marriage that would have and has destroyed more then a few marriages we’ve seen over a life time. In this case, the lesson that was driven home to me was that the permission to divorce in the case of adultery is a permission, not a command. How many cases have we seen where that permission was applied by a pastor our counseller as a command?
And to Steve Cornell’s point: I am aware of another case where temporary separation was a key factor in keeping a difficult marriage together.
Peace…
@Bill Newcomer,
Infidelity as a permision for divorce…not a command. Have you been in the position of the offended? I have been married over 25 years with grown children. I was in full time ministry until just after another affair. I didn’t care about anything, anymore, except my children…and that took all my effort. I wanted to die. I was in agreement with Ruth Graham re: murder for a few brief instances until I realized I would go to jail for her! No chance. We have lived in a “tolerating” mode for 20 years because God hates divorce. I know the theology, the Scriptures. I have said ALL these things to people I have counseled. It’s a whole new dynamic when you are on the other side of the desk. I went from being “in love” early on to desiring/loving/wanting…to struggling to “forgive & forget” (not hold it to her account or use it against her during an argument)…to doubt, fear of further betrayal, distrust, suspicion, more hurt from more infidelity…to accepting the reality that she did-not-want-me! She actually confirmed that after the second affair 5 years ago when she told me she had “had enough”.
At that point, I began throwing up the walls of defense to protect myself. I got tired of trying to be Hosea! I was tired of being betrayed, rejected, neglected, ignored. At that time, I decided that after my children were old enough to provide for themselves, I was done.
SO….what’s your advice here?
Marriage is the breaking of a promise; and you’re not just breaking your promise to your spouse, you’re breaking the vow you made to God as well.
When you don’t have a plan “B”, you just work harder at your marriage. Those looking for an easy out are simply falling in step with the spirit of this age: quick, easy everything.
Marriage is work, work that will sometimes drive us to our knees for God’s grace: it’s when we reach the end of ourselves that He can really start to help.
For those who are dealing with emotional and physical abuse, I can’t highly enough recommend the role of the local church in making that garbage stop. It’s just as anti-Biblical as wrongfully motivated divorce, and pastors and disciplers should be naturally available to step in and put a stop to it. If the abusive husband, or wife, refuses to be that involved with a Biblical and local church — instead treating such a church as optional, or at least only as a spiritual Walmart — then that is reason to suspect your spouse of being unfaithful to Christ’s bride. He/she might be saved, but desperately in need of growth, and currently in a state of abject rebellion.
Beverly:
Is you husband a church member? If so, what kinds of church discipline are taking place?
“…when you give account before the Judgment Seat of Christ, these “counselors” you have around you will not be present, and their cowardly justifications for sin will ring quite hollow.”
Who among us, who have remained married, have sins that are just as serious. If God has removed our sin then we are to stand before Him covered with Christ! Not to give an account for our innumerable sins.
Divorce is wrong… I understand this. But so are the “acceptable sins” allowed within the walls of Christianity: slander, gossip, back-biting, anger, SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS. I’m sure we all fit in one or more of the many categories listed in Scripture. These do nothing more than to reaffirm our sinful state.
The fact is… some marriages simply dissolve. This is sad but true and there is forgiveness there as well.
@Mitchell Hammonds, So because Christ will forgive other sins that grieve the Holy Spirit, we should counsel believers to commit this sin that also grieves the Holy Spirit? Please read Romans 6!! Our aim in this life as believers should be to remove all sin and sanctify our bodies, not to justify ourselves but to be imitators of our Father.
@Mitchell Hammonds,
Sin is sin, true. But that doesn’t mean that if all of it is sin, then none of it is sin. Which you aren’t explicitly saying, but you are hinting at it through implication.
If I turn a blind eye towards gossip, then I should also turn a blind eye towards divorce? Can we agree that Jesus said they are both sin? Shouldn’t I strive to call them both wrong? Does my failure (sin) to call one out NECESSITATE my refusal to call the other sin? That doesn’t make sense biblically or logically.
Yes, divorce and all sin can be forgiven. But to rush into a sin, relying on God’s grace after the fact, is a scary sort of rebellion. God may not grant you a repentant heart for that.
ZS
@Stephen Beck,
I didn’t say anything about not attempting to make the marriage work. You’d be wise to realize any marriage is susceptible to to failure… even Christians. Only a Pharisee would think they could rid themselves of sin in this life. You have an extremely weak view of sin my friend. Sin is present in your life as well as mine and every other believer in the church. Read Romans 6,7, and 8.
@Zack Skrip,
I’m not getting your riff with your opening statement. We all turn a blind eye to sin at some point. And yes… we should call it what it is… sin. You and everyone else in this blog has taken God’s grace for granted at some point or another… as Christians. ALL SIN IS WILLFUL. Nobody sins against their will. That is why we can’t cease to sin in this life. You also have a weak view of sin and your condition.
You think everyone simply wants to go through divorce as if they haven’t weighed out the consequence of it.
One last thought for “miserable.” The modern “church” (an oxymoron), has gotten WHERE it is by taking “the lesser of two evils.” Once we have CONTINUED to take “the lesser of two evils” all we have is…..”evil.” No, “Zach” had it right. Sin is sin and just because “everyone else” is doing it doesn’t make it any more “right.”
My wife and I were both told to get a divorce by two so-called “Christian counselors” after seven years of marriage. We did not like each other and were absolutely miserable. We realized the promise we made to the Lord in our marriage vows and have remained together. God has now blessed us with two children and we are now preparing to celebrate 25 years of marriage. I would encourage you to find a pastor who will give you godly counsel and not just the easy way out. I would also recommend the book “The Exemplary Husband” by Stuart Scott. As the husband you are to demonstrate unconditional love to your wife without being harsh with her (Colossians 3:19) regardless of how you are treated. This is how Jesus loves you!
Thank you Dr. Moore for your candid and biblical counsel. I struggled for years to find a good and thorough treatment of this subject. I finally just studied the issue and wrote it myself.
http://cafebiblia.com/?p=98
May God bless the wise counsel of His Word.
“Divorce is a grave offense against the natural law. It claims to break the contract, to which the spouses freely consented, to live with each other till death. Divorce does injury to the covenant of salvation, of which sacramental marriage is the sign. Contracting a new union, even if it is recognized by civil law, adds to the gravity of the rupture: the remarried spouse is then in a situation of public and permanent adultery:
“If a husband, separated from his wife, approaches another woman, he is an adulterer because he makes that woman commit adultery, and the woman who lives with him is an adulteress, because she has drawn another’s husband to herself.”
-CCC 2384 [http://www.scborromeo.org/ccc/para/2384.htm]
PRAISE GOD!!!!! PRAISE GOD BR. MOORE!!!!!! OH GLORY TO HIS NAME!!! SOMEONE has finally had the LEADERSHIP to say so. Indeed “who needs demons” with so called “counselors” like that. There is no “Biblical” divorce but EXACTLY HOW you have described it. 1 Cor. 7 is exact and explicit….KEY WORD here - “UN-repentant” sexual immorality. If a person’s “lifestyle” is indicative of a heathen, the Paul in 1 Cor 5 instructs us how to handle that. Matthew 18 is explicit on a “pattern” to follow to “help” someone back into repentance IF they are willing and what to do IF they are not. No, God is not so concerned about our “happy” as He is our OBEDIENCE. “Seeking FIRST” HIS kingdom, (Matt 6;33), will bring about “JOY” which will in turn PRODUCE your “happy.” I have been through it so I am not “arm-chairing” this. I have had five wonderful children ripped apart because of someone’s “happy.” But, we can all play the victim OR turn to the SAVIOR! THANK YOU DR. MOORE for not backing down to the culture but gently and firmly pointing to the truth!!
“Agape’ love…” That’s GOD’s kind of love. Available only through the indwelling power and love of the Holy Spirit. The kind of love that says “I love you in spite of you…in spite of the circumstances.” The kind of love that says, “I CHOOSE to love you, whether I can FEEL the warm fuzzies of love right now or not, whether or not you deserve it by your own actions.” And then you go about the daily choice, moment by moment of choosing to extend love in action (whether you feel love-y or not). Keep it up no matter how long it takes. Believe it or not, it will eventually evolve into true love! Remember, it is not YOU loving the person but Jesus loving him/her through you and He doesn’t have a problem with that! (Romans 5:8)
“duhhhr God will make you happy forever after you die, so be miserable in this lifetime. Yay!”
Worst advice I’ve ever heard. If you are miserable and she refuses to work on the marriage LEAVE HER. You will make everyone in your life (yourself and your children, especially) miserable if you don’t.
@Erin Reilly,
My dad was miserable with my mom - she was struggling with alcoholism and her temper and monetary issues all at once. At times, she would use divorce as an argument tool. I will never forget the testimony my dad lived for me and my sisters as he gently and humbly stood by her and worked to improve their relationship. Do they still have some rough patches? Of course! But because my dad showed through his actions that the promise he made to God was more important than his own short-term comfort, me and all three of my sisters have made the choice to make God all-important in our lives as well. What do we want our children to learn? That our happiness is all-important, even more than God? Or that sometimes we exercise discipline and sacrifice our short-term comfort to experience an eternal life with God?
I would far rather have people talk about me as a person with integrity and discipline and godliness than to have people say I was always happy.
@Erin Reilly,
“duhhhr God will make you happy forever after you die, so be miserable in this lifetime. Yay!”
Yes, that’s basically the gist of it. Moore just has a more spiritual way of putting it.
I am an example of someone who has been abandoned 3x -evidently I have a lousy ability to discern the character of a man - 1st time drug addict who got clean but did not return to God or the marriage - and told the marriage counselor he was not going to change and was not in love with me anymore (after 21 yrs of marriage and 5 kids). Second time, he forced me into a divorce because he was not happy and gave up on the marriage and began to seek another companion and told me that if I did not file for the divorce then he would. I tried with everything within me to save both marriages. Third time, I thought I was marrying the most sainted minister who loved God, the Bible and me in that order, only to have him change within 30 days of the marriage into a total and complete stranger. He stated that if I did not live the way he interpreted the Bible - that I must show him love and service first and then he would deign to consider my wants and needs, including where I could go, what I could watch, when I should pray or read the Bible or for how long (he wanted to be my God and judge). He did not want to financially support me or my son and told me plainly that he would put his needs first at all times. He also made it plain that he did not need to consult me regarding any decisions that might affect us such as a choice of job, income, location, traveling etc. but would make these decisions as he saw fit and it suited him. I am still married and when we went for counseling the pastor asked us to list 3 things we could to work on the marriage - I listed support him, repent- seek God and forgive. My husband put that I (me) should change, support him, and repent of disagreeing with him! He did not think he had any things that needed change. Even the pastor said this is not a marriage. After reading this do you believe that this could happen to one person? Do you wonder what is wrong with me? Do you believe I am being completely honest with you, myself and them? Is it possible that I am that naive and attract abusive men? Should I have stayed in any of these marriages? The first and the third one was/are willing to stay married to me for the sake of public opinion as long as he could live his own life on his own terms without being tied down. Is this what a covenantal marriage looks like? By the way, by this time my children are grown, my income is small, I walked away from each marriage with only what I came into it and I have less than 10 years working experience due to being a stay-at-home wife and mom most of my adult life. Do not think that I have benefited monetarily by any of these divorces. I am sadder, poorer and I hope to God wiser.
@Katherine Grace,
Relate to your situation. Praying for you. Other than saying it was not a marriage, what else did your pastor recommend? Do you have a support system of women to pray with you? God loves you. I have found comfort in that knowledge.
@Kevin above
I’m not the one who said God told her to leave her husband. I don’t believe that God ever tells us to go against His Word. I think you were referring to the reply above mine.
Barbara
This is an issue I have struggled with for years, and still struggle with to this day. My dad is a pastor and has been unfaithful to my mom on more than one occasion. The more than one occasion she doesn’t know about and it will continue to be a secret until my dad or I go to our graves. I have watched a mom with a life full of pain and full of heartache. I have watched the marriage vows be broken, and I have watched as someone is broken in a marriage. My mom is still with my dad to this day. As her response to all of this, “some of us were meant to suffer in this life”. I have watched as my mom has went through breast cancer. I have watched her have no support system in my dad. And yes, I did say my dad was a pastor and still is. Why did my mom stay with my dad? Because it was the “right” thing to do. Does my mom love my dad? No…But she still lingers on sometimes helpless and defeated. She still cries and hurts. She still hangs on one day at a time. Why? Because it was the “right” thing to do. Being raised in a Christian home does not mean we are exempt from sin or folly. My mom is one of the strongest Christians that I know. But, my mom is miserable. A miserable Christian? Seems like an oxymoron. But, because of what she believes she has stayed in this “covenant”.
Now, it has come to me facing a broken marriage. Was there infidelity? No. But my wife has some very serious issues that she will not deal with. We have sought out counseling. I have prayed and cried and prayed and cried until I almost can’t do it anymore. We were told that if my wife would take medication we would have some form of a “normal life”. But she refused. So, the cycle continues and now my child sees the effects that these issues have on my wife. And I see my child broken from all of this. So, how much longer do we allow the cycle to continue? In the words of my mom…”some of us were meant to suffer in this life”. So, Dr. Moore any thoughts??…
@Preacher’s Kid, Hi there. I’m a pastor, too, and I have sometimes advised a legal separation as a temporary or permanent solution to unbearable suffering caused by alcoholism, drug addiction or some types of mental illness. It is a fact that sometimes it is not possible to live with people who have these types of problems. Sometimes, living apart is the most loving thing to do, especially if there are children involved. Ideally, the separation should be for a relatively short period of time as people are encouraged to work through their problems.
As for your Dad, there are so many background issues I don’t know where to start with my comments. First and foremost, a Christian minister who is guilty of infidelity should be deposed. Second, if her church was a solidly Biblical church, the elders should have helped your mother deal with her husband. If unrepentant, they should have advised her to divorce him.
@Preacher’s Kid,
I’m so sorry for the situation you are dealing with. Coming out of another pastors home, I would think that your mother deserved to know about your father’s infidelity so she can make that choice as to whether to continue to “suffer” for herself. Especially as sexual infidelity is one of the only reasons the Bible gives for the other spouse being freed to go, as the former spouse is breaking their covenant. My mother struggled with an affair of the heart for several years. However, she brought it before my father, was daily repentant (she saw this guy at work and eventually had to leave), and she and Dad worked through it. It was tough; it really sucked. But now, their marriage is stronger. Mom exposed her weakness because she respected him, Dad covered it because he loved her, and they are stronger now for it. That is true repentance, and that allowed the marriage of over 30 years to overcome its trial.
There can be a desire not to get caught when infidelity is involved - when this is considered, the person who will not confess to their spouse isn’t really repentant. In the case of your dad, if he would confess and give your mother the dignity and respect of trying to work through it with him, it may become a healthier marriage. How can he lead his flock otherwise? Same thing for your wife. She needs to seek help - and you need to take a good look at yourself and ask yourself if you are doing anything which enables her. I daresay this will help both of you to move past this trying period in your life.
Incidentally, my father and another minister presided over my own marriage ceremony. We went to live with and get involved in the other minister’s church. Within six months, the minister told my husband to leave me because we disagreed on certain church doctrines (minor ones at that - I was “standing in the way of God’s plan for his life”). How ridiculous is that???? But we worked through the trying periods in our marriage to overcome them together, and are now stronger for it. (By the way, we both consider this minister now to be one of the most ungodly people we’ve ever met.) My husband is my bestie and I would never want to leave him. Temporary suffering for long-term happiness, realized in this lifetime as both spouses went before God and examined their hearts, standing by one another in hard times. I hope this helps or encourages in some small way. I will be thinking of you in prayer.
Dr. Moore,
You stopped short of the best answer. That answer is:
BOTH of them should be on their faces before God, BEGGING Him to help each of them change and fall in love again. And they BOTH need to be persistent in prayer and WILLING to let God change THEM – NOT the other person!
I remember a couple, years ago, with whom I was talking about marriage. She said, “He has to accept me as I am. I am not going to change for him.” I said, “If you both are not willing to change, your marriage will be on the rocks in less than a year. You both must be willing to change and sacrifice for each other.” They refused to do what I said and they were divorced in a year.
“Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for it …” In other words, husbands need to be willing to give up EVERYTHING for their wives. It is the selfishness in a marriage that destroys it. This ‘married but miserable’ person does not understand what God wants him to do. Like I said earlier, BOTH of them should be on their faces before God, begging Him to help each of them change and fall in love again. If they pursue this for a year, they will see miracles. But, they BOTH must be willing to change!
I agree with Dr. Moore’s perspective and I wish all Christian leaders were so forthright. However, in my experience, the “biblical grounds” for divorce are sometimes misunderstood. In Matthew 5, Jesus says that divorce is forbidden except in cases of sexual immorality. The Greek word for “sexual immorality” is porneia. This word does not mean adultery but any kind of sexual immorality including but not limited to adultery. If a person is addicted to pornography, that is porneia. If one goes to strip bars and has women do lap dances for him, that is porneia. If a married person goes to night clubs and partakes in sensual dancing with women or men, that is porneia, too. Etc. All these sorts of sins attack the essence of a marriage and are grounds for divorce. However, they don’t make divorce necessary.
I agree with Dr. Moore in that you should not run away at the first sign of trouble and that sometimes we have to go through misery to live a more fulfilled happier life and marriage. He is missing two very important points. One is that it takes two to try to make a marriage work. If both are not willing to make it work and you believe that you did everything that you can to make it work, then no, I do not believe god wants you to stay misarable ina marriage. The second point is that Jesus died for our sins. No it doesn’t give us free reign to sin and then ask for forgiveness. But it does give us the right to make our mistakes, correct them, learn from them and move on knowing that we are human and our forgiven. Often times the mistake was getting married to that person in the first place. Other times the mistake would be staying in the marriage.
While I agree with every bit of truth this article writes, I do not agree with the lack of consideration. We, who have been in a similar situation, or even we, who just know and believe the truth are called to communicate to the hurting in a different way. A list of facts, or even Biblical truth will have no effect on the reader if they are not given a testimony. Even Paul, Peter, and the others in the early church never gave a list of commands without authenticating it’s truth and relevance with experience. They never called on others to suffer without sharing how they too or Jesus had suffered.
My husband and I hated every minute of our marriage for 8 full years. He left, had an affair, and I filed for divorce. I too had an affair. We were done. Nothing in me felt it was right although we obviously had Biblical grounds. I knew I did not have permission from the Holy Spirit. He moved back in and we lived as roommates for 2 years. I finally pleaded with God to let me leave after several weeks of his apparent cheating again. God’s answer: no. He asked me to FULLY obey Him. And that meant keeping silent about my husband’s sin, to him and others. Not because my husband deserved anything from me, but because He deserved my very life. I did. I said nothing unkind, and even showed kindness and consideration after he had stayed out all night. I had never felt so much peace. I knew our lives were no longer in my hands. Over time, he stopped sinning against God, me and our child. No amount of hurting or pleading with him would have changed him. It couldn’t. God had to. And He did. Today we are both completely different people. God told me he would completely re-build our marriage, like after a fire…out of the ashes. And He did. It starts with one thing: surrender. What is God worth? What will He do when you obey? What did He do when Jesus did?
One more point: God will never ask you to live in a life of abuse. He does not want it and does not expect it. I personally helped create my situation of being mistreated over and over again. My contribution: Rebellion. I was beating my head against the wall trying to fix things myself. I argued with God over what was logical, right, and natural. I wanted things to change because of what “I” did. I figured out that if I have no real relationship with my Redeemer, I will be beating my head against that same wall forever. The issue was not my marriage. It was not my husband’s selfishness or sin. It was MY relationship with God. I basically wanted a “printed report” of what He wanted me to do, with a guaranteed outcome before I submitted to my Creator. It will NEVER work that way. We must come to a place with God where we can step out on the water, even if logically, we’ll sink. We must do things His way. Everyone’s way is different. He wants different things in different situations. You must listen to the Holy Spirit lead you individually. He will never ask you to go against His word. One other thing: This is a battle of Spirits and principalities. It is not flesh and blood. The only way to defeat a spirit is with the opposite spirit.
Question: You state one condition for divorce is “unrepentant sexual immorality” but could not and does not “porneia” (aka “adultery”) also include non-sexual immorality (e.g., physical abuse, such as beating one’s wife)? Indeed we have one instance of this in Jer 3:8. See my series Divorce and Remarriage.
19 For it is commendable if someone bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because they are conscious of God. 20 But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. 21 To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. 1 Peter 2:19-21
to any person who is in a completely miserable marriage - of which there are far too many, especially in the church - please, please, please - do yourself a favour and get out. it is not honour to God - no matter who tells you it is. do you think it is honouring to God to spend your life in misery because somebody has laid burdens on your shoulders.
@alice,
Alice,
Yours is one of the few responses with which I agree. I would ask the others of you including Dr. Moore to do as Jesus said, and not judge us.
Leave that up to God please.
To add - can’t we just stick to scripture. I Corinthians 7 is easy enough. If your spouse is an “unbeliever” BUT they are content to live with you…..
The fact is - if you want out…you’ll find a “reason.” The facts are - IF they are unrepentant - in most cases - they will leave…in the earlier part of chapter 7 - you can separate…for a time…but just to leave…to what end? For what purpose? It is statistical - 55-60% of ALL marriages end in divorce, (Christian) or other wise. I see where one is “abused” (a favorite term now-a-days), from the wedding night on” I find it difficult to believe that Houdini showed up - BAM- on the wedding night after successfully hiding it all the way up that point. I don’t mean to wax sarcastic but really. So, then what….well, second marriages - statistically 75% end in divorce. THIRD??? 80+%!! WHY would anyone, in their right mind….ah..now there is the crux….”in their right mind….” John 15 - Apart from ME you can do N-O-T-H-I-N-G…” OUR ENEMY -=-THE DEVIL…not our spouse…not our in laws- seeks to kill, steal, and destroy….he is not after YOU…he is after YOUR FAMILY…it represents what the kingdom is all about….read Chapter 7….”or your CHILDREN will be defiled….” It is the WHOLE unit…THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU/US/HER/HIM as individuals…we are a body OF CHILDREN….dear Lord help us to wake up and FIGHT BACK without being so SELFish
Very interesting and informative conversation.
I’m jumping into the fray as I struggle with divorce.
I have divorced my husband who used to be a very popular minister, who is currently serving a 17 year sentence for abuse of a girl in our church, as well as molestation of our daughter. This guy was charismatic, all loved him. There are blog posts innumerable that discuss his case, which made the media in 7 different states.
I don’t even know what to ask. Is there anything out there that would be helpful to read?
My four kids and I are doing well, putting our lives back together under the sheltering protection of our church. And I realize I am only standing by the grace of my God.
Thank you for posting this. I think these are important truths for all Christians, married or not, to hold onto.