Mothers Day and the Infertile
— Monday, May 7th, 2012 —
Mother’s Day is a particularly sensitive time in many congregations, and pastors and church leaders often don’t even know it. This is true even in congregations that don’t focus the entire service around the event as if it were a feast day on the church’s liturgical calendar. Infertile women, and often their husbands, are still often grieving in the shadows.
It is good and right to honor mothers. The Bible calls us to do so. Jesus does so with his own mother. We must recognize though that many infertile women find this day almost unbearable. This is not because these women are (necessarily) bitter or covetous or envious. The day is simply a reminder of unfulfilled longings, longings that are good.
Some pastors, commendably, mention in their sermons and prayers on this day those who want to be mothers but who have not had their prayers answered. Some recognize those who are mothers not to children, but to the rest of the congregation as they disciple spiritual daughters in the faith. This is more than a “shout-out” to those who don’t have children. It is a call to the congregation to rejoice in those who “mother” the church with wisdom, and it’s a call to the church to remember those who long desperately to hear “Mama” directed at them.
What if pastors and church leaders were to set aside a day for prayer for children for the infertile?
In too many churches ministry to infertile couples is relegated to support groups that meet in the church basement during the week, under cover of darkness. Now it’s true that infertile couples need each other. The time of prayer and counsel with people in similar circumstances can be helfpul.
But this alone can contribute to the sense of isolation and even shame experienced by those hurting in this way. Moreover, if the only time one talks about infertility is in a room with those who are currently infertile, one is probably going to frame the situation in rather hopeless terms.
In fact, almost every congregation is filled with previously infertile people, including lots and lots who were told by medical professionals that they would never have children! Most of those (most of us, I should say) who fit into that category don’t really talk about it much because they simply don’t think of themselves in those terms. The baby or babies are here, and the pain of the infertility has subsided. Infertile couples need to see others who were once where they are, but who have been granted the blessing they seek.
What if, at the end of a service, the pastor called any person or couple who wanted prayer for children to come forward and then asked others in the congregation to gather around them and pray? Not every person grappling with infertility will do this publicly, and that’s all right. But many will. And even those too embarrassed to come forward will be encouraged by a church willing to pray for those hurting this way. The pastor could pray for God’s gift of children for these couples, either through biological procreation or through adoption, whichever the Lord should desire in each case.
Regardless of how you do it, remember the infertile as the world around us celebrates motherhood. The Proverbs 31 woman needs our attention, but the 1 Samuel 1 woman does too.
This was originally posted on May 5, 2011.
27 Responses to “Mothers Day and the Infertile”
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Mother’s Day is not only hard on those who are infertile, but also for those who have lost a child or are allienated from one.
Cannot tell you just how much I appreciate this - thank you!! A hard day for sure….
My wife and I experienced two miscarriages prior to the birth of our oldest child and I can say from experience that those Mothers days that happened before our daughter Hannah was born were tough, especially for my wife.
Later my wife’s sister lost her firstborn to an infection 10 days after birth and even though she has subsequent children I know it is tough for her too.
Our church does an amazing job of exactly what you describe Dr. Moore by celebrating with those who celebrate and mourning with those who mourn. Our tradition is one where we honor and celebrate the mothers in our congregation and then we have a time of prayer where those to whom mothers day brings pain are invited forward and then the congregation is invited to surround them and lay hands on them in a time of prayer. It has been a powerful opportunity to love on those in our church at a time of difficulty.
This is such a blessing to hear. Thank you Dr. Moore for your continued heart for families that have such a strong desire for lots of “pitter-patter” down the hallway, but who don’t see this prayer answered by the Lord very quickly or even at all.
The Lord wrote quite the story for my husband and I to experience when it comes to our family growing…2 years of infertility, one miscarriage, starting the adoption process, getting pregnant by God’s miracle, postponing the adoption process, waiting for our little boy to be old enough to restart the adoption process, updating paperwork to adopt, receiving a referral by the adoption agency 2 weeks ago and then losing our hope of having this little girl join our family just last week later due to an awful mistake by the adoption agency, and now contemplating next steps as we wait for the fog of grief to rise.
Please continue to keep all of this in the forefront of evangelicals. It is reality for more people than we will ever know.
This is a very good and thoughtful article…as far as it goes. You mention praying for those that are infertile to be able to have children. I do believe prayer changes things and I have personally seen people who were thought by their doctors to be infertile become with child after such prayers. On the other hand, nothing was said about a couple who absolutely have NO hope of ever having a child naturally because the woman has had to have her uterus surgically removed for health reasons. What about these couples? I realize there is the possible option of adoption but even with that there is always the possibility they can’t afford to adopt. Or that they just somehow can’t deal with adoption because they can’t yet deal with their barren womb and empty arms! I can’t imagine how terribly hard this must be for women like that. I have someone that I love dearly who is going through just this situation right now. I love my three children that God blessed my husband and I with but for this loved one’s sake , I will be glad when Mother’s Day is over.
Sandra Turner is absolutely correct. When we are experiencing a prodigal child, it’s extremely painful to sit in the service and hear the virtues of motherhood extolled when we may feel like we have failed God in our parenting.
For many years, I have used Mother’s Day to thank God for mothers by asking them to stand and be prayed over. Then, I have asked infertile couples desiring children to stand and be prayed over - by those near them laying their hands on them. We have also used Mother’s Day as Parent-Child dedication - and without fail, each year, at least one couple will trace the conception and birth of their baby, or their adoption granted, to the prayer time. It is a win-win. Couples feel cared for, God is honored as the giver of life, and the congregation sees and hears of answered prayer. By the way, the idea originally came from Jim Henry, FBC, Orlando. Thanks. Sam Shaw, Orchard Fellowship, Memphis, TN
It is worth mentioning that some (many?) couples will never be able to have children, for whatever reason. Please offer us hope and please pray for us. Call us to Christ and His comforting hand. And please accept us as we are (and not as we might be): barren.
Thank you Dr. Moore for the reminder and the thoughtfulness to post.
Another group that may find Mother’s Day difficult are never-married women. I always hoped and expected to be married with 2-3 children. Now I am 40 and still single …
I agree with Colorado Girl that Mother’s Day is also particularly hard for the never married. Many friends and I approaching the 30s and 40s without husbands, much less the hope of children. It’s so easy to do a countdown and realize your years of fertility are dwindling. I don’t think churches know what to do with this demographic of women.
I am well past the age of expecting to bear a child now, and some Mother’s Day services have been harder for me than others. Last year I sat down, heard the visiting preacher say, “Please turn to 1 Samuel 1…” and I got up and left quickly before I fell apart - I’ve heard enough messages about Hannah. ;-) I agree that it can be a difficult day for many - although I’m married I have several single friends in their 40’s and 50’s whose dream had been marriage and children.
Thank you so much for your sensitivity.
My husband and I are desiring to have children, but it has not happened yet. Last year my husband and I skipped church on Mother’s and Father’s day, we just couldn’t handle it. The year before they had baby dedications on Mother’s day. That made the service 100% unbearable. I bawled the entire time and made somewhat of a spectical of myself. I couldn’t help it, the tears just came!
Thank you for this post!
Regarding single women on Mother’s Day, I completely agree. I am single, I’ll be 38 in a few days, and my birthday often falls on Mother’s Day. I am dreading church this weekend because it is one more reminder that God has not given me a husband and children, and with each passing year, kids are less likely to happen. I am grateful for his blessings — he’s given me a great career and home, but I don’t understand why he has withheld a family from me. I want to trust him, but I fear growing old alone.
I married late in life and was quite naive about infertility. After 5 years, we understood we couldnt have children and by that stage, I was 45 , we were not very financial missionaries and probably too old to adopt. So, it’s God’s grace over and over, sought after and applied at each time of tears - friends’ children marrying, friends becoming grandparents and so on. But I know that God’s grace is sufficient for me, tears or no tears, longings met or unmet. There’s an inspiring vimeo on facebook - Ian and Larissa - a young couple who know they cant have children and have a great perspective on marriage. Let us look to God to meet our needs, and be prepared for surprises from our loving Father.
I loved this article. It is so true. So many times, the infirtle seem to be forgotten about. Even my husband takes me being infertile lightly. He doesn’t understand why I don’t like walking through the baby section. I usually don’t go to baby showers because of all the feelings that come rushing around in my head.
Thank you for being sensitive to the Holy Spirit and writing this article. For a woman that suffers from infertility, I feel like someone took my words and posted them. I’ve known since a young age (15 or 16) I’d not be able to conceive children. Thank you for having a heart that’s sensitive to couples that are dealing in infertility. God bless.