iPhones, iPads, and Christian Parenting
— Monday, November 5th, 2012 —
Here’s what I just don’t understand: the trend among professing Christian families to give their pre-teen children iPhones and iPads or their equivalent devices, with unrestricted Internet access.
It’s not that we don’t have the data to know what happens when sexually-forming minds are exposed to pornography. And it’s not that we don’t know the kind of pull to temptation, especially among young males, that comes with the promise of sexual “fulfillment” with the illusion of anonymity. It’s not that we don’t know, moreover, the way that unsavory characters use the Internet to troll for naive children to exploit.
Why would you put your child in a situation of that kind of peril?
Given what we know about a.) sexually developing adolescents and pre-adolescents and b.) the Internet itself, it is impossible to rank unrestricted access to the World Wide Web in a category with watching television or freely roaming the neighborhood. This is more like sending your adolescent male to spend the night in an adult movie theater because you trust him not to look up from his Bible, or allowing your daughter to grow marijuana in her room because she likes the bud as decoration.
This is astounding not primarily because it militates against the higher standards of Christian parenting but because it militates against the natural ordering of human parenting itself.
Jesus, in describing the Fatherhood of God, told the crowd that no one, even being evil, would give his son a serpent when he asked for a fish (Matt. 7:10). Why not? It’s because natural affection impels a father to seek to protect his child from something harmful. In this case, we see a culture, even among Christians sometimes, that’s quite willing to give a child a serpent, as long as he really wants it, and we think he’s trustworthy as a snake-charmer.
Don’t get me wrong. I think the digital revolution is largely a good thing, and I think children need to be raised up to use technology as a gift for dominion. But there’s too much at stake to turn a child loose, with no boundaries, with a technology that could psychically cripple him or her (and his or her future family), for a lifetime and thereafter.
What do you think are some wise practical guidelines for helping parents make decisions about using technology, without turning their children over to the cyber-wilderness?
23 Responses to “iPhones, iPads, and Christian Parenting”
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Agreed, primarily because your post is about turning kids loose on the Internet. Ours each has an iPad, purchased for them primarily to make easier a fifteen-day, 6,000+ mile trip we took in 2011 through Yellowstone, the Cascades, Yosemite, the Grand Canyon, and a bunch of other places. But we do not give them Internet access with these devices.
My main reason for commenting was to share this experience and observation: The Parental Controls in iOS are painfully blunt. The Parental Controls on the MacOS are much, much better. On MacOS, I can give my children some Internet access, but I can specify which web sites they can visit, or see a report of all that they have visited. With iOS, Safari is either on or it is off.
The kids both have email addresses that go through a server that I manage. They don’t realize yet that every email they send or receive gets copied to Dad, the brazen überspy. ;-)
1. There is no reason why a teen/pre-teen needs a phone before they can drive. That’s what adult chaperones are for.
2. For the other devices, like ipads, kindles, etc. treat them like a loaded gun. Assume they will look at porn. Not the other way around. I saw a pornographic image at the age of 9 and that was before the internet (and totally by accident, btw). If they haven’t seen one yet, their first time will be on the device you buy them.
3. Make yourself an expert on ALL the parental control options. Lock them out of whatever default web browser comes on that device. Never let them use it.
4. Download Covenant Eyes (about $90 a year. if you can afford a smart phone, you can afford this). Let them use their web browser.
5. Lock them out of EVER downloading an app from the app store. If they want an app, they must get you to download it. Keep in mind an unguarded Iphone App Store has default settings that allow a person to continue downloading apps for 15 minutes before it asks for the account password again (although this has changed somewhat with ios 6).
6. Youtube app is not safe. Pintrest app is not safe. Wikipedia app is not safe. Google search app is certainly not safe. Any app that allows you to view photos or webpages without restriction is not safe. Do not let your kids have these apps or others like it.
7. Monitor their text messages. There are apps for that if your phone company doesn’t provide a service for it.
8. Be consistent. The same rules that apply for the idevice apply to the family computer as well.
If you think this is a bit much, let me assure you, it is not. I have all the restrictions listed here on my iphone and I thank God for them because of the amount of REAL FREEDOM it gives me to enjoy a piece of technology in a way that is pleasing to God- without a hint of accusation or temptation.
If you as a parent do not follow the kind of advice given here in this article and your son (or daughter- girls are not immuned) is caught looking at or reading porn on their idevice, you share in culpability because of your lack of action.
On the other hand, follow this advice and you can enjoy the technology with your child with a solid peace of mind.
I agree wholeheartedly! My husband and I both love technology. Our children have grown up with that same love, but we’ve taught them to be wary. We have installed monitoring software on our computers and now also on their iPads. I thought I’d share the site for those who might be interested. I am in no way affiliated with this company, I just appreciate their FREE product and have been using it for many, many years. Check them out at http://www1.k9webprotection.com/
I am currently working on my degree in computer science. I grow up in a Christian home but I wasn’t saved until late high school. But to get to the point, I do believe there should be some amount of control/little monitoring. However parents need to treat this just like they would any real world situation. everything a teenager has access to online they have access to offline. Yes it might be easier to find crass content online, but The heart is desperately wicked (jerm 17:9). In other words if you limit the internet of your children they can very easily go else where for “explicit sexual content.” The internet should in no ways changes parenting. The parent’s should gradually build up trust and guide them so that when their children are “free” in the world by themselves they don’t go crazy with what the world offers.
Obviously God is what children need and you can’t make them Christians. We should view the internet like we view your children’s friends. You can’t change who their friends are but you can help them see which way to use friendships. Same thing with the internet you can show them how to use it correctly.
I guess my point is that parents need to monitor and limit the internet the exact same as they would with other things like staying out late etc…
The internet is an amazing resource for so much limiting and blocking things doesn’t make a person who can avoid the bad things when they become available later on in life.
maybe not completely biblically based right now but with more time I could throw a few more passages in (maybe tomorrow).
Sorry for the lack of proof reading.
@Mylo Page, I agree with you.
Don’t leave parenting up to the control and discretion of technological content filtering provisions. You can’t equate this example to an adult movie theater, or pot grown in your daughter’s room. The slider on the lock screen does not automatically load porn on their mobile device.
Do this:
- Pray for your children
- Love your children
- Know your children
- Watch your children
- Invest in your children
They will make mistakes (just like you did), but the important thing is that you are there and aware of those mistakes. That takes parenting, not parental controls.
As a youth minister I get this question a lot from parents of a variety of age ranges. I generally point to a couple of articles:
For Windows users, this is an article for a free, downloadable application that will allow you a great deal of control over web browsing on a computer (there is a link to download the program at the bottom of the page): http://www.addictivetips.com/windows-tips/customize-website-access-for-your-child-with-weblock-for-kids/
For other devices, Thorin Klosowski at Lifehacker wrote a nice article (below) with helpful links about securing things like iPhones, iPods and other web-based tech that you may have. It gets a bit technical toward the end of the article, but a quick google search for some terms will aid in clarification.
http://lifehacker.com/5868750/how-do-i-set-up-non+annoying-parental-controls-on-all-my-devices*
*addendum to the Android app listed on that website…this one is better:
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.sp.protector.free&feature=related_apps#?t=W251bGwsMSwxLDEwOSwiY29tLnNwLnByb3RlY3Rvci5mcmVlIl0.
**Note**
There are ALWAYS ways around security. You kids CAN view pornography on Facebook…it’s not even that difficult (did you sign out of your account before leaving your child in front of a computer/device?). There is no substitute for simply restricting time on devices, carefully observing patterns of behavior and (I recommend this to all my parents) take away the phone/device when it’s bed time. It hurts at first, but I’ve seen kids not be able to do ministry projects and keep coherent thoughts due to lack of sleep (texting till 4am, ect).
Some tips:
-Check browser history. Each web browser will, most likely, contain every website ever visited and the time it was accessed. This history can be deleted easily so ensure you make notes on when it’s deleted so you can ask questions.
-Let technology be your alley in this particular battle. No need to go Hutterite, just take a little time to sit down with the tech you already posses and learn the in’s and out’s. The software in the articles above is safe for your devices and computer (I’ve vetted it and many others have as well).
-Assume you child has already seen some bad stuff. I have a 5 years old and am happy to report I have been able to guard her from what is accessible online. Things will change as she approaches the teen years. Most reports say that pornography will most often be viewed by young boys by the time they are 10 (some put the number lower!). Your role as a parent is to set clear definitions of what is/is not acceptable to God and follow through with your preferred discipline.
-Teach and guide your family. A member of [a] church gave me an old computer he had lying around that he had not used for some time. His daughter, 14, did use it and needless to say there were some very inappropriate things on the hard drive. After a difficult talk with dad, he discovered some of the this had leaked online and authorities had to be contacted. His moment of realization about the entire situation was “I don’t know how this happened. What did I do wrong?”
I am not saying do a better job of hiding porn…I am saying ensure that you know what you must know to keep your family safe and protect their dignity. Don’t just keep porn out of your view, subvert it by knowing the access your family already has and preventing it wholesale. Not doing so is the equivalent of allowing your kids to ride without seat-belts and then wondering what you could have done differently after a horrible accident.
Does your family know what is right/wrong on the internet? If so GREAT! Still put the filters on there and stay vigilant to protect and be the houses information technology network administrator that God calls you to be.
Hope this helps and please, feel free to add additional tips.
Coupling a “family iPad” (NOT an iPhone with cellular data access) with a service like OpenDNS (the most effective website blocker I know of), and not giving kids the unrestricted right to download apps, can be a safer option than a laptop. You can use OpenDNS to even blacklist specific sites that you don’t want them using from home. The device in this setting is fairly well locked down.
I agree wholeheartedly with the blog post, not as much with some of the commenters. Almost no one is going to disagree that the battle with pornography is a serious issue concerning today’s teens and pre-teens. However, when teens are overly-restricted their natural tendency is often to rebel by over-emersing themselves in the actions they are restricted from. You can see this on any college campus in America. When students are eventually let loose after being mostly shielded to the evils of the world, they are inevitably introduced to a world they are utterly unprepared for. After all, we are charged with being in the world, but not of the world. Instead of shielding our kids from all possible evil until they eventually move out, it would seem much more biblical to allow them to experience the world while educating them from a Christian perspective. For example, as a pre-teen perhaps it would not be a bad thing to allow them to have a basic phone (not a smartphone, but one that simply makes calls). Progressively, as they mature in both wisdom and faith you could move towards a smartphone. Ultimately, the goal would be to have them restrict themselves under the strength of their own personal faith in conjunction with the encouragement of a faith community. Certainly, their would be exceptions. Every child is different and kids don’t come with a manual. However, as a generalization, I believe this is a biblical and practical way to deal with the issue.
I agree with this post. The analogy of giving your child a serpent was right on. Thanks for sharing your concern and helping to raise ours.
One simple thing you can do is check in. Hold all your children’s passwords. The bank will not allow your child to open an account without mom or dad having access to it. How much more valuable is their hearts than their money. Let your children know that you will check in on them. This sets them off to a good start in understanding the value of accountability.
Thanks again!
Based on my experience and training as a prosecutor who spends entirely too much time prosecuting sex crimes, I agree 100%.
“Sexting” (sending sexually suggestive or explicit photos) is commonplace among teens. It’s viewed as no big deal, even though some of those images are technically child pornography. Even more nefarious, pedophiles like to reach out to kids using their phones, their computers, or their iPods. (an iPod touch can be used as a full cell phone, as long as it has a wifi connection, and you’d better believe your teens know how to do it.)
As a federal prosecutor, I can identify the problem. As a new father, I’m not qualified to opine on solutions.
YES! I too am completely baffled by this widespread ignorance, or naivete by parents - even the christian ones. My kids all have iPod touchs but Safari and YouTube are disabled and protected with a passcode. There are some good suggestions here and we do many of them. One problem I’ve encountered is that the kids can get wi-fi from places other than home, so just password-protecting your own wi-fi may not be enough. Your next door neighbor may unprotected wi-fi they can link into.
I am SO thankful to read this! As a parent of a 10 year old, fifth-grade son, I feel most days like We are the only parents who thinks about these things! I feel very strongly against these devices, or anything with free Internet access/texting. It’s not worth the risk of my innocent child seeing something we aren’t prepared to handle as adults. I’ve accidentally stumbled across some horrifically disturbing sexual images while doing completely innocent Internet searches, so you definitely do not have to be seeking something sexual for it to pop up now. Predators put that out there now - I’m not even as worried about sites with disclaimers. It’s on the everyday. On a google search, etc. thank you for reinforcing what I know to be truth.