Should We Marry If We’re Theologically Divided? My Response
— Thursday, May 13th, 2010 —
A while back I posted a question from Calvin, a Reformed dispensationalist fundamentalist, and Aimee, a Pentecostal, who have fallen in love and want to get married. Their question is too long to repost, but you can find it here. Y’all gave a spirited round of responses. Here are my thoughts on the question.
Dear Calvin and Aimee,
I’m tempted to start by saying your question has me singing a version of a great song as “Pentecostal Woman, Calvinistic Man, We Get Together Every Time We Can…” But I won’t do that, because that would be wrong.
First off, you’re not in danger of what the Scripture calls being “unequally yoked” (2 Cor. 6:14), since that passage is clearly about a joining of “righteousness with lawlessness…light to darkness…Christ to Belial.” You are both, it sounds like, godly people trusting in the blood of Christ and received by faith into the kingdom of God through the Holy Spirit.
Now, just because you can, morally, marry is no sign that you, wisely, should. Here are some questions to help you think it through ethically.
If you, Calvin, equate Calvinism or dispensationalism with the gospel, don’t marry Aimee. If you, Aimee, equate baptism with the Holy Spirit or the freedom of the will with the gospel, don’t marry Calvin. None of these things are to be equated with the gospel of Christ. The questions are important, no doubt, and Scripture speaks to them. But the gospel is both simpler and bigger than these systems.
That’s why, despite all our disagreements, an Arminian charismatic can recognize a Reformed cessationist as a brother or sister in Christ, and vice-versa. Pentecostals who know Christ and Bible Church folk who know Christ both participate in “one Lord, one faith, one baptism” (Eph. 4:5). We must typically be in different churches because in order to carry out a congregational mission, we must agree on the specifics of what what the mission is. That doesn’t mean we disagree on the gospel itself.
In order for a marriage to work, you will have to go into it assuming that the other will never change positions on these things. Now, you probably will grow closer together on these things. As committed Christian couples go from their parents’ homes to forming a new family (Gen. 2:24), they tend to grow in doctrinal unity as well as marital unity as they learn and are discipled together.
But you must assume, Calvin, that she will end her life believing in speaking in tongues and you must assume, Aimee, that he will end his life believing the reverse. If you are marrying thinking you will “change” the other, it will be better for both of you to dwell in the corner of the housetop than with each other (Prov. 21:9).
If the two of you marry, God has called Calvin to spiritually lead the home (Eph. 5:23, 25-28; 1 Cor. 11:3). Aimee, if you see Calvin as spiritually immature because he hasn’t experienced the “baptism of the Holy Ghost,” do not marry him. He will be leading you spiritually, and if you can’t respect him, as he is, move on. If you would plan to whisper to your children, “Don’t tell Daddy but really serious Christians get slain in the Spirit…” then call off the engagement.
Calvin, if you secretly think of Aimee’s background as nothing more than ridiculous “man-centered” “holy-rolling,” don’t marry her. She will be, if the Lord wills, the mother of your children, training them up in the sacred writings (2 Tim. 3:15). Your headship isn’t raw force of argument. It is modeled after the way our Lord Christ loved his church, cleansing her “by the washing of water with the word” (Eph. 5:25). How did our Lord Jesus do that with a foundation stone of his church, the Apostle Peter? By kneeling to serve, while teaching (Jn. 14:1-20). You must do likewise (and I would say the exact same thing if the roles here were reversed).
I would also say that a common congregation is essential. If you marry, you will be a one-flesh union. A church isn’t simply a place to go to learn about stuff and pool money for missions. The church becomes your identity, with you as one part of the larger body (1 Cor. 12:12-31). Aimee, if you believe being a part of Calvin’s church, and to do so without seeking to change it, would be a binding of your conscience, don’t marry him. If you believe exercising the gifts as you see them trumps other considerations, this will not be a happy marriage for you.
Many of the churches in Calvin’s tradition would probably gladly receive Aimee as a member, but many would restrict certain roles to her, especially teaching roles, because of her doctrinal beliefs at this point. Some of them, I don’t know, might even exclude Calvin from such roles. Count the cost, based on the worst possible scenario, not the best. If the two of you knew that you could never, say, teach Sunday school or direct the youth camp, would you still want to be with one another? If you ever desire any kind of formal ministry or missionary service together, this could be disqualifying. Is this worth all of that risk to you?
Calvin, if you marry, you’re going to be called to self-sacrifice, to love Aimee as your own flesh (Eph. 5:28-29). That doesn’t mean joining a Pentecostal church. It does mean looking for a place where your wife can be nourished spiritually. Aimee, if she’s the kind of woman she seems, will probably be willing to learn from your pastors and worship in our common Spirit together. I don’t know what kind of church you attend, but there might be some “incidental” factors that are more cultural than theological that actually may be even more of a sticking point than you think.
Someone from a Pentecostal background is probably going to wilt under a steady worship diet of slow, organ-dirge renditions of “How Sweet and Awful Is the Place” (and I’m with you on that one, sister). If you marry, you will have to take the same account of her spiritual growth and vibrancy as you take physically for your own heart or pancreas function.
You’re not necessarily predestined to heartbreak. If you’ve counted the costs laid out above, if you’re able to receive one another in the gospel, if you’re able to be unified in your church life and your child-rearing, if Aimee’s willing to follow cheerfully, if Calvin’s willing to lead self-sacrificially, then I now pronounce you husband and wife. Wait, that’s not what you asked me to do.
I wish you both happiness and joy, and love. Tongues, they will cease (1 Cor. 13:8), and so will the arguments about when tongues will cease. But “faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love” (1 Cor. 13:13).
35 Responses to “Should We Marry If We’re Theologically Divided? My Response”
Trackbacks
- Gospel Prism » Blog Archive » Should you marry if you have differing theologies? Yes. Maybe. No.
- Should We Marry If We’re Theologically Divided? – Justin Taylor
- Links I Like
- Recap (May 16-22) « bekahcubed
- Good Reads Rollup « Lord And Hearth
- contextless links | Teapot Theology
- Good Reads Rollup November 2010 | Lord And Hearth
Wonderful!! Wise words, well-spoken. A church is indeed more than a place to learn stuff, and ministry together is such a marital blessing.
Unique exceptions to this might be Billy and Ruth Graham, but I’m thinking God’s hand on their lives was so unusual that their love is a model but not necessarily their church lives.
Thanks for writing this. May many couples consider theological concerns as much - or way, way more - as they consider financial philosophies or who’s a night or morning person :-)
Excellent post!
Thank you for sharing this with us Dr. Moore!
What terrific counsel. Cut right to what is essential, set aside non-essentials without ignoring them… good stuff.
Great word, Dr. Moore. I always greatly appreciate when you answer these types of questions.
Great stuff as always Dr. Moore!
Great post.
But oh, please oh please, don’t pile onto “How Sweet and Awful Is the Place.” I recognize the “organ-dirge” element, but this is one my favorite hymns, so beautifully speaking of the wonders of electing love and the spread of the gospel to the ends of the earth.
=-)
part of your answer also includes a complementarian view of husband and wife. what if that can’t even be agreed upon? again, it is not a gospel issue, but do we answer the same way? you can still marry, but with”eyes wide open?”
Wise counsel Dr Moore.I think it basically boils down to how tightly each holds onto their believe systems.My parents have been married 30 years and they are exactly as different in theological believes and style as this couple(though in the opposite direction with my mom being the calvinist)and its never been an issue as far as i know.I OTOH dont think i can quite manage that,being that i hold on more tightly to my theological thoughts than both my parents.”Unified in a church life” would definitely be the hardest part.
Evers,
I don’t believe he was dissing the hymn…which is one of my favorites too! But you have to admit it can be sung that way (we use the Trinity hymnal but use alternate tunes frequently to avoid the tunes no one knows or the “dirges”).
And, actually….I’ve been known to raise my hands while singing hymns such as It is Well With My Soul and How Sweet and Awful is the Place. I’m such a bad Reformed Baptist ;-) And yes, I sit next to one of my elders and his family…
Oh, and great article! I think it would be easier for Calvin than Aimee (great choice of names!!) because of his headship. I have a friend at church who went to Virginia for a summer job, and she attended a PCA church while there, and one of her big prayer requests was that she wouldn’t fall for a Presbyterian man!
@MarieP,
I think that Calvin faces deep challenges that come with the package of headship. As the leader, this man is responsible for the family’s spiritual growth. If Calvin is wholly committed to his wife in love and truth, it’s going to be a difficult road in his mind and heart as he rightly divides the truth while always keeping in mind the deep differences in practice and tradition between him and his Wife. Calvin has to tread carefully so as to maintain that respectable, trustworthy and bride-honoring character of his through all his doings. I perceive that to be a potentially heavy burden. And I believe that Aimee faces the same thing as a husband-honoring Wife. They’re both in for a ride together on this one.
Great answer and apt wisdom!
I would add one thing: Every marriage faces difficulties and tangential differences like this are often where these difficulties are manifest. Mutual submission, she to his headship and he to her sanctification, is the key to meeting any of the difficulties in marriage and would be the key to keeping this issue from being a foothold.
Dr. Moore: I ABSOLUTELY loved your tone!!
We ‘fall’ into mu puddles - we choose to love.
Russell = the man. Great/ Helpful response. Thank you.
That last paragraph is pure gold.
This is a good response from Dr. Moore. Very balanced, wise, and Scriptural. The tone of the response was very good too.
The case would have been much more easier if Calvin said that Aimee was a member of a mainline liberal church and believed that Scripture was only a human document and that Jesus died not as a propitiatory sacrifice for our sins but as a victim of human injustice.
But, alas, we only get to tackle difficult cases in our spiritual ministry.
Dr. Moore, great answer!! Thank you for such a gospel-centered response. I do, however, wonder how Calvin may respond to Aimee’s speaking in tongues when, according to his theological conviction, he would believe she is lying or at best “making it up”? Maybe this was addressed in earlier posts, I haven’t read them all.
Dr. Moore, thank you for the good article. I, however, would lovingly disagree with you. I believe that a couple wanting to marry should largely agree about soteriology (at most disagreeing about the extent of the atonement).
To Aimee, you said “If you would plan to whisper to your children, “Don’t tell Daddy but really serious Christians get slain in the Spirit…” then call off the engagement.”
If Aimee should call off the engagement (and she should!) if she would contradict her husband’s beliefs on Spirit gifts to future children, then so much more should they call off the engagement if they would contradict each other about the way of salvation itself, right?
@Jordan,
I would have to agree with Jordan. Why not let the kids learn to think about their faith? No, there shouldn’t be covert operations put in place to sway a six-year-old one way or the other, but there should come a time where a kid will be helped by being exposed to people with different theological perspectives that express love to one another.
I work in a Christian college setting. It is astounding to me how many students are either spiteful toward people with other legitimate theological beliefs or cynical about Christianity because they have only heard one side their whole lives. They have never seen the unity that exists despite our diversity of theological perspectives. I mean, how beautiful could this marriage be? It would help if more Reformed churches viewed their PCA bretheren down the road like as united with them as a husband is to a wife, and vice versa.
Perfect theology doesn’t save us, a perfect Savior does. If they can agree on that, congrats to the new bride and groom.
@Jordan, I agree. Huge point in marriage, agreement of salvific doctrine….
Dr. Moore,
That was a very solid presentation you made and it gave me some insights that I will be able to use in my own life.
The only thing I would’ve changed would’ve been to change the song from Conway and Loretta to the tune of Johnny and June Cash’s, “Long-legged Guitar Pickin’ Man.” ‘You Pentecostal woman. You Calvinistic man. Well we can work this out, uh-huh, yes ma’am I think we can.’
In Christ,
John
Speaking as a former Pentecostal whose Biblical training as from a lot of Open (Plymouth) Brethren dispensationalists - concur mostly:
* You do need to be on the same page in terms of roles within the marriage (the complementarian thing)
* You do need to be on the same page as to which church you’ll go to
* You don’t necessarily have to be on the same page in terms of theological detail. No couple will agree on every jot and tittle of the law anyway, and there are a few churches around which are both reformed and Charismatic.
Agree with Mark….balanced ,wise and scriptural.
“Pentecostal Woman, Calvinistic Man, We Get Together Every Time We Can…”
“…no second tier doctrine is going to keep us apart;
there’s too much love in this Pentecostal heart.”
I was raised Presbyterian and my wife Lutheran. We have worshipped separately some but mostly together with the Lutherans. It works fine for us but occasionally the other Lutherans in a Bible class will cringe a little when I answer a question :-)
I agree that it would be wise to look for churches where you would both be comfortable. If intractable disagreements arise during the church search, that might be a sign of “no.” But if like-mindedness and agreement rises to the surface during the search, it’s a good sign they could continue to work together, find common ground, and lovingly compromise in the future.
I’m happy that you’re speaking about it so the rest of us can know! Will use for sure. But, the trick for me, you have to reignite the situation that first made it work early on and also stop doing a lot of bad steps we all naturally make if you want to help fix your marriage